


I'll Crawl Home To Her

by JagoOrgana



Series: How Many Lives [3]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Coast Guard, Conspiracy, Doctor Clarke, Eventual Romance, F/F, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, Happy Ending, Illegal Activities, Navy, Past Drug Use, Pilot Lexa, Plot Twist, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Search and Rescue, Soulmates, Surgeon Clarke, True Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-16
Updated: 2019-05-14
Packaged: 2019-06-28 01:41:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 12
Words: 43,895
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15697551
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JagoOrgana/pseuds/JagoOrgana
Summary: After her father passed, Clarke Griffin's life was set on a predestined path that she could never have anticipated.After leaving the Navy, she agrees to transfer to a new Coast Guard base in Alaska in desperate need of a flight surgeon. What she finds in Alaska are rivalries, hostility, new and unwavering friendships, and a bond that alters her understanding of inevitability.





	1. Run Until You Feel Your Lungs Bleeding

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ALL my stories have happy endings - have no fear.

Clarke grew up on the coast of New Hampshire - a true sea baby. She was awfully close with her father, especially with the hours her mother kept at the hospital. Jake fancied himself as an ‘expert survivalist’ after his retirement and years in the Navy. He taught Clarke everything he possibly could about reading the stars, ocean charts, camping, etc. Clarke loved hiking in the woods almost as much as she loved being on the ocean, but not as much as she loved her father. Her spirit always felt balanced out there on the choppy seas, especially after he passed. 

 

Jake died from drowning after suffering a massive heart attack while out fishing by himself. Clarke was only 17. The waves had gotten a little choppy with the afternoon winds but by the time the local Coast Guard saddled up next to his skiff, Jake was face down in just enough water to drown. Clarke remembers the exact moment the principal entered her AP Biology class. She remembers the knocking on the classroom door and she remembers the painful silence that signaled her to look up. Principle Jaha’s eyes were piercing through her own and he had a gut-twisting look of pure pity and sorrow - a look she would grow to resent.

 

Dr. Abby Griffin arrived soon after to pick up Clarke from school. She wrapped the young girl in her arms tighter than she had in a long time. “I’m so sorry, Clarke. I’m so, so sorry.” When Clarke was able to compartmentalize her emotions, she thought back to that moment and how strangely heartfelt it seemed. It felt like Clarke’s mother was acknowledging how devastating this loss was for her. Jake raised Clarke like he was a single parent and her mother was finally recognizing this. However, Clarke silently resented that it took her father’s death for Abby to be a mother to her.

 

Despite Dr. Griffin’s adamant condemnation, Clarke took two years off after graduating high school. She traveled all over the country and slept on people’s couches, sometimes she even slept in the woods. She smoked, she drank, she experimented with sex, drugs - you name it. There were a few close calls and Clarke wasn’t exactly proud of those moments but she knew it was a necessary evil. All she knew was that she lost herself after her father died and she needed to find herself before she made any career or life-altering decisions. 

 

When Clarke finally called and asked her mother for money for a ticket to come back home, Dr. Griffin just about fainted. Her relief turned to excited screaming when Clarke told her that she wanted to go to med school. But Clarke had braced herself for the shift - “Mom, I want to join the Commissioned Corps as a surgeon so I can be a flight surgeon for the Navy...” 

 

Her mother hadn’t stepped foot near a boat after Jake’s heart attack and the thought of her daughter following in Jake’s footsteps, in any capacity, frightened her to her core. Abby was less than pleased but Clarke had several years of school to convince her mother that this was everything to her.  

  
  


**Years Later ---**

 

Clarke finished medical school and immediately joined the Navy. She survived basic and was immediately sent to the Naval Aerospace Medical Institute to complete the flight surgeon course. It was unlike anything she ever expected. In her residency, you learn to react to most medical emergencies as if they are abnormal and infrequent while you are in a normal environment, but when you are flying in a helicopter, everything is normal in an abnormal environment.   
  
She served overseas in Syria and after two years of seeing the faces of bloodied children who lost their families to the constant bombing of their own governments, supported with weapons from hers - she couldn’t do it. She wanted to save them all and every day, every mission - she failed someone. She knew it was out of her hands and she did her absolute best but… it would never be enough.   
  
After her second tour abroad, she contacted the U.S. Public Health Service and asked to be transferred to the U.S. Coast Guard as a flight surgeon. Once the Navy released her paperwork, she was saddled up to go straight to a relatively new base in Alaska. She really didn’t think this would unfold itself so quickly but there was an opening, she went for it, and it was hers. 

 

The Commander of the base, Kane, seemed like a good man, stern but warm. He called to tell her that he personally requested her from the Commissioned Corps. Clarke was flattered up until the part where Kane grew very serious and said, “You’re going to hate it here at first. Don’t kid yourself. The weather is shit and the people can be too - until they warm up to you at least - then they’ll become family like you’ve never known before. It’s a tight knit group up here. We have to depend on each other to survive. They will wait until they know what you are made of - they need to trust you with their life.” Clarke was erupting with emotion; fear, excitement, sadness, but most of all she felt relieved to not have to go back to the reason she had nightmares.   
  
Her mother speedily turned the corner at the hospital with a chart in her hand and froze when she saw Clarke’s expression and the phone in her hand.    
  
“M-mom?” tears were brimming in Clarke’s eyes.

 

“OH! YOU GOT THE JOB!?” 

 

Clarke nodded. 

 

Abby ran up to her daughter and pulled her into a tight embrace. Merely knowing Clarke would never see a battlefield again was enough for her to give her daughter all of her support to leave the Navy for the Coast Guard. However, that did not prevent Abby from asking Clarke why she wasn’t trying to go to the beach or someplace else on the East Coast. 

 

“You know why, mom,” Clarke would mumble. 

 

It was because of her Dad. He instilled the love of a deep green forest and a cold, choppy ocean deep within her soul but she needed it to be a different ocean… 

 

Alaska was calling and she would soon find out it was exactly where she belonged.


	2. A Shame Without a Sin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Know what it is to grow  
> Beneath her sky, her punishing cold  
> To slowly learn of her ancient misery

Clarke flew to Anchorage and then slowly made her way down the Aleutian Islands by seaplane  until she reached Unalaska, Alaska - her new home - which she had to reassure her mother several times that it was, in fact, a real place.

 

She didn’t have much time to do a lot of research about the town because she was trying to tie up any loose ends back home - she had bills to cut off and a lease to get out of, as well as a mountain of paperwork for the actual transfer. She got as far as learning that the population hovered somewhere below 5,000 and the town was made up primarily of either Coast Guard employees or fisherman.

 

“I guess I’ll figure it out when I get there,” she huffed at her laptop screen before shutting it and shoving it in her suitcase.

 

Seeing the mountains and the water from the plane was a completely different experience from when she finally stepped on the island and looked around. It was magnificent. The enormous green mountains capped in shimmering white crystals caused her breath to get caught in her throat.

 

“Take it in now. In two months this will all be a frigid, white wasteland.” Clarke smiled before turning to salute the approaching Commander.

 

“Commander Kane, good to finally meet you, sir.”

 

“At ease - and likewise. The years have made me jaded but it is refreshing to revisit the landscape through fresh eyes.” His smile was big and the wrinkles in the corners of his eyes gave away his age and his experience. “Let me show you where you’ll be staying. Anya has your room ready.”

 

Clarke’s eyebrows crinkled slightly because they had never discussed accommodations. She assumed she would just be staying on the base but Kane answered her question before she could even ask it, “You are technically on the Coast Guard payroll but there are extenuating circumstances that led me to feeling like it would be best for you to stay close but off base. Consider yourself lucky for that. Anya owns the best and _ONLY_ bar restaurant in town. She’s offered for you to stay in the apartment above.”  
  
_Welp, I guess that’ll be a quick way to get to know some of the locals,_ Clarke shrugged.  
  
He turned his head slightly to see Clarke still absorbing her new home with wide, innocent eyes. “Another piece of advice, you’ll need to get rid of that twinkle in your eye. Everyone already knows who you are, Doc. You’ve been the talk of the town for the last 3 weeks.” He offered the rookie a teasing wink causing Clarke’s smile to immediately drop as she swallowed a rock the size of her fist. She was warned but that didn’t lessen the feeling in her stomach that she was walking into a bear’s den. “Don’t worry - I haven’t told them anything about you or anything that is in your file. You are just a fresh face in a sea of hungry piranhas.”

 

Before they got to Anya’s bar, Commander Kane turned to Clarke and gripped her by the shoulders. He looked deep into her tortured blue eyes, “Look firm. Be steely and demanding. If you don’t try to be their friend, they’ll like you more.” All Clarke could do to respond was nod. Everything coming out of Kane’s mouth sounded like a bad idea in any other situation, but right now, it seemed like sage advice.

 

_Anything is better than that fucking desert..._

 

Commander Kane opened the door to The Salty Dog and ushered for Clarke to go inside. Inside was a tall woman with a sharp nose, high cheekbones, long braided hair and tribal tattoos traveling from her shoulder blades to her elbows. She was wiping down the bar in a t-shirt with arm holes cut out while Clarke was wearing a sub zero parka.

 

“Anya, this is Doctor Clarke Griffin. Clarke this is your new landlord.”

 

Clarke immediately hiked her duffel bag higher on her shoulder as she leaned in to shake the older woman’s hand. Anya didn’t immediately respond and Clarke admonished herself for seeming too eager. The tall brunette sized up the short blonde with a steely gaze before her eyes shifted to Kane, “You think she’ll last longer than the last?” Clarke didn’t know it yet but what Anya was really asking was, ‘ _Can our people depend on her?’_

 

Kane nodded, “She’s the daughter of an old friend and if she’s anything like him, she’ll do great.”

 

 _What?_ Clarke’s expression displayed her surprise and confusion. _How does he know my father?_

 

Anya’s serious eyes shifted, like she understood Clarke on an entirely new level. She reached out her hand to meet Clarke’s but gripped her at the elbow instead, “It’s a honor to meet you, Doctor Griffin.”

 

“Uh. Uh - yeah, thanks.” Clarke breathed out any apprehension she’d been holding in. _I save lives and jump out of helicopters, why am I nervous?!_

 

Before Clarke could ask any questions, Anya was already walking around the bar, “Let me show you to your apartment and then, when you’re ready, you can come downstairs and I’ll whip you up some dinner.”

 

“Clarke, I’ll be here at 0600 to give you the keys to the clinic and show you about town. Have a good night and - welcome to to the Middle of Nowhere,” Kane slapped his U.S. Coast Guard cap back on his greying, curly hair and was out the door. When Clarke turned back around Anya was already halfway up the stairs at the back of the bar.

 

_An apartment above the ONLY bar in town and I’ll need to be up by 5am every day… this will be great…_

 

“This is your new place,” Anya motioned around to the large, fully-furnished living room. The kitchen was off to the right and the two bedrooms were on the left. “Each bedroom has its own bathroom but they do share a wall. You should also know, in the winter months, when there’s too much ice in the water, we’ll have another guest staying in the spare bedroom over there - pick whichever you’d like. In the meantime, I will do my best to keep the patrons from getting too rowdy after midnight but you’ll need to understand that when there’s something worth celebrating, we try not to rain on the parade… there is only a few of us up here, Clarke, and it can get very…”

 

“Isolating,” Clarke thought back to how she felt after her dad died and when she went back to New Hampshire in between tours overseas - home just never felt like home again. Despite all the places she has been able to travel and the positive experiences she has had, she could never shake that underlying pang of loneliness.

 

Anya shoved her tongue in her cheek, taking note of the myriad of subtle expressions on Clarke’s face, “Kane didn’t tell you he knew your dad, did he?”

 

Clarke avoided Anya’s eyes in attempt to appear unaffected by Kane’s earlier admission, “No, it never came up.”

 

Anya is no rookie though, “Kane is not the kind of guy to give you a job because you’re the daughter of an old buddy.” Clarke finally meets Anya’s eyes, frightened that the older woman picked up on her insecurity so easily. “Kane gave you the job because he believes he can trust you.” Clarke averted her eyes again, feeling anxious. “God damn it. Kane gave you the ‘ _Don’t let them see your weakness speech’_ too, didn’t he?”

 

_Is she a mind reader or am I just that easy to read?! You are losing your touch, Griff!_

 

Clarke cleared her throat and managed a weak, forced smile, “Yeah, he might’ve…”

 

“Did he also tell you The Salty Dog was the _only_ bar and restaurant in town, too?”

 

“Yeah?” Clarke said timidly as she was starting to notice a pattern.

 

Anya chuckled, “Bastard. He likes to scare the rookies! He thinks if he scares you to death, everything will seem like picking daisies afterwards. We aren’t that bad of a group and this is definitely not the only bar…. Just the most important one,” she winked. “Come on down once you get comfortable and I’ll give you the REAL low down before the bar gets busy.”

 

Clarke managed a smirk. _So much for calling it an early night._

 

\----

 

Thirty minutes later, Clarke returned to the main floor wearing her Dartmouth sweatpants and her parka. She knew it would take her a while to adjust to the frigid coastal temperatures but she only wished she didn’t have to look like such a fool by wearing a parka indoors to keep warm.

 

Anya had yet to look up or acknowledge Clarke’s presence downstairs but motioned with the knife in her hand for Clarke to take a seat on one of the torn barstools.

 

“You know, I don’t know what kind of arrangement Kane or the Coast Guard made with you as far as my staying here but I can earn my keep by helping out when you need it. I used to work at a bar during med school.”

 

Anya allowed the hint of a smirk to appear on her face, _+2 brownie points for the Doc!_  

 

“Well Doc, your housing is taken care of and I can’t afford to pay you. BUT if you want some extra cash, you can work under the table and keep the tips. And yes, while Kane might have lied to you about our _not-so-little_ village, this IS the Coast Guard go-to bar. We get busy every night after 8 o’clock and we are particularly busy on Wednesday chili nights and any time the Seahawks play - wait,” Anya gripped the knife a little tighter and finally looked at Clarke, “You’re not a Patriots fan, are you?” she shot Clarke her famous steely gaze.

 

“What?! Ew! I’m disgusted you would think such a thing!” Clarke touted with a sarcastic edge.  

 

A slow grin spread across Anya’s face and she pointed the knife at Clarke, “You catch on quick. The others are gonna love you!”

 

_Others?_

 

Clarke is not an unfriendly person but over the ears, she’s grown anxious and touchy. Loud noises, crowds, and intimacy cause her feet to move faster than her brain can think.

 

 _Perhaps living above a bar and being surrounded by people will be like immersion therapy?_ Clarke considered.

 

Anya finished up their meal and sat down beside Clarke.  It was a spinach and feta omelette with sourdough toast. It was DIVINE! Anya explained that she bakes all the breads in-house; not only is it cheaper but it is faster than waiting for a shipment of artisan breads from the mainland.

 

She also said that if there is something the island cannot provide, Clarke should expect shipping to take at least a week and a half, even for Amazon Prime. “You eventually get used to living without stuff pretty quickly - but we have fast internet - FINALLY!”

 

After a few minutes of silent eating, a crease formed in Anya’s brow, “You landed at the U.S. Coast Guard airport and my bar is just off the bases property. However, I’m still surprised you missed seeing the rest of the city when you were coming in....”

 

“Uh… yeah… I probably still had my fucking eyes squeezed shut. That pilot was more concerned with me than keeping it steady…”

 

Anya leaned her head back and laughed, “You probably had Bellamy flying you! I’d have my eyes shut tight, too! Tall? Surprisingly tan? Curly brown hair? Flirty as all hell?”

 

“Ye _p_!” Clarke took a swig of the beer Anya poured her.

 

“Bell is an Aviation Maintenance Technician but he flies passengers to and from the mainland in his spare time. His sister, Octavia, is a Boatswain’s Mate and…Oh, being a doc you probably don’t know what any of that means, do you?”

 

“Uh - I um - I actually served in the Navy before this so…”

 

Anya noticed the little dip in Clarke’s voice, “Oh, so it’s pretty similar then.”

 

Anya knew Clarke understood what titles were, you memorize that shit in basic. She was just fishing for information from the new recruit and Clarke gave it up like candy which means she is naturally trusting but is working overtime at keeping her guard up… _Interesting_.

 

Clarke felt Anya’s eyes searing into her own so she wanted off this topic immediately, “So Bellamy is an AMT, he fixes and flies planes. Octavia does patrols and rescues?”

 

Anya got the message loud and clear - no Dad talk, no Navy talk - yet. “Yeah, O’s basically the law enforcement on the water. My wife, Raven, who you’ll meet any minute, is a Machinery Technician and engineering god. If there’s something broken, she can fix it, if there’s something not broken, she can break it and make it better.” This pulls a chuckle from Clarke.

 

“By the way, I’m grateful you are writing this all down,” Clarke peers over at the paper Anya is scribbingling on. She sees next to Bellamy’s name ‘ _single_ ’, next to Octavia’s name ‘s _oon to not be  single if Linc would just grow some damn balls’_ , and next to Raven’s name ‘ _super hot, super taken - hands off blondie!’_

 

“Wow - and in such detail! Thank you!” Clarke says sarcastically.

 

Anya preens, “There’s more…”

 

Her smile drops, “Oh…”

 

“Then there’s Lincoln. He’s the newest rescue swimmer recruit after the acci- ….um,” Anya swallows. “He’s been here about 10 months. He and O have been circling each other for about as long. It was cute at first but everyone is just UGH about it now,” Anya drags her finger across her throat like a knife.

 

“How did you all meet?” Clarke asks curiously. “You all seem like a very tight knit group.”

 

“My sister and I are from here - we are Alutiiq. Born and raised by the season of the seas! Our parents died when we were young but our community took us in and raised us here. We both joined the Coast Guard but I’m retired. About 5 years ago I did a rescue of a fishing vessel and got my leg pinned by the hatch door. Too much nerve damage to go back.”

 

A reverent silence fell between the two. They understood that they both had wounds from serving but it’s the job. A job you have to love in order to do. Even if the job is killing you from the inside out, giving it up is like cutting off a piece of yourself, “Do you miss it?” Clarke asked as she stared into her glass.

 

“Not anymore - sometimes I miss it. But now I get to do all the fun stuff of living by the ocean without having to do any of the hard work! Best thing that ever happened to me. I started working here and the owner gave it to me to run and now its ALL MINE!” She rubbed the bartop like it was a purring kitten.

 

The door to the bar suddenly opened and in walked a very beautiful, full bodied latina with hair down to her- “What did I say?! Hands off, Clarke!” Anya teasingly yelled.

 

Clarke’s mouth fell open and then clamped shut like a fish, “I - I wasn’t - I”

 

Anya wrapped her arms around the latina’s waist and they shuffled together towards Clarke. With her only free hand, the other was pinned by Anya’s unyielding hug, Raven reached out to shake Clarke’s, “Hi, you must be Clarke. Ignore Anya’s teases, she’s just fucking with you - you absolutely can look!” Raven winked and Clarke’s face turned as bright as a Michigan cherry.  

 

Once the couple was done saying their hello’s, Clarke could barely manage a timid smile, still unsure of how to read these people, “How long have you two been together?”

 

“You hear that, hon? Our guest wants to know how long we’ve been together!” Raven teased her wife as she took the seat on the other side of Clarke. “She always forgets,” she adds with an eye roll.

 

“Five years!”

 

“Nope.”

 

Anya’s brow furrowed, “..................six?”

 

“No _p_ e,” Raven’s eyebrow raised dangerous high.

 

Anya stopped what she was doing and started counting on her hands, “It’s definitely five…. Right? It’s five! You were testing me! You punk ass!!”

 

Raven laughs and catches the dish towel that was thrown her way. “So what have we here?” Raven pulls the abandoned piece of paper left on the bar closer.

 

Clarke spoke first, “Anya was telling me about everyone in your family and trying to get me acclimated to the area before I start at the clinic tomorrow.”

 

“Ohhhh…. Good idea, babe, but you forgot Lexa though!” Raven grabbed the pencil and started scribbling.

  
_Sexy Lexi - grumpy grandpa, loves blondes, dark & twisty - BEWARE! _

 

Anya’s jaw flexed and her grip on the spatula tightened. She took a deep breath before coming around the corner and serving her wife dinner.

 

“You made our guest an omelette at 7 o’clock at night?” Raven laughed, not recognizing the shift in her wife’s mood but Clarke definitely did.

 

Anya smiled anyways, “What? She loved it!”

 

“I did. It was very good! Thank you again,” Clarke could sense the tense feeling in the air and she decided to prod the same way Anya had. “Is - Is Lexa your sister or… just another friend?”

 

Anya shot a low-lidded glare at Raven, who instantly realized why Anya had left Lexa off the list.

 

Anya took a long, slow breath, “Yeah, she’s my sister. She um - Look, Clarke. You’ve not been here long enough for all of us to trust you… but we are going to have to. Lexa is - she’s - she’s special. She’s the glue but she’s got a lot on her plate right now.”

 

 _I can tell this conversation is too much, too serious, too fast._ “You don’t need to tell me the details - It’s fine. I genuinely do not want to be in the middle of any strife or issue,” Clarke said seriously.

 

Raven rolled her eyes and interjected quickly, “Look - Lexa’s wife died a little over a year ago and it was… horrible. It really was. But she doesn’t talk about it - she barely even talks to us anymore period. She’s just… She’s just not the same person. The last doc up here running the clinic kept prescribing Lex whatever she wanted to feel better; anti-depressants, anti-anxiety, opioids for phantom pains - you name it. Kid’s been around the ringer. About a month ago, Commander Kane found out she was coming to work high on Vicodin and shit,” Anya glanced at Raven for a millisecond, her eyes screamed ‘ _overshare much, babe!?’_

 

Clarke assumes it was one of them who ratted the sister out to the Commander - maybe even Anya based on the tortured look in her eyes.

 

Raven continued, “He agreed not to fire her but suspended her for a month to get clean and then he got the old doc fired. That’s whose job you’re taking. That’s why you’re here.”

 

_Fuck - what have I gotten myself into?_

 

Clarke went straight into her stern doctor mode, “This is a major violation of her privacy, us talking about this. You both know that, right?”

 

Anya and Raven both nodded with pleading eyes.

 

 _Fuuuuuuuuck._ The blonde bit the inside of her cheek and shrugged heavily, “And you suspect she’s clean by now since the doc’s been gone?”

 

“She’s sure acting like it…” Raven noted under her breath before she took a sip from her beer.

 

“Yeah, she’s been a real daisy to be around lately,” Anya nods and says sarcastically. “She’s also been asking when the new doc was arriving. I'm worried she’s run out of whatever stash she had at the house. I think her asking about you is a sign that she hasn’t turned to anything harder - which is obviously good.” Anya paused and swallowed hard, “What happened was… horrifying, Clarke. Y-you can’t even imagine.”

 

 _Oh, I bet I could._ Clarke thought bitterly.  
  
“No one should go through what she’s been through, but she’s killing herself over it,” added Raven with a slightly more compassionate and remorseful tone.

 

Clarke could see their exhaustion plainly on their faces. They are ready to move on from the trauma but they won’t be able to until Lexa does. Clarke knows there’s more to the story and, if she were honest with herself - which she won’t be - she’d relate to Lexa a lot more than she’s willing to admit. But _god damn,_ she really doesn’t want to get involved in this shit! It’s asking for complicated and Clarke came here to get away from complicated.

The blonde doctor’s hesitation was written all over her face, “I’m - I’m not a therapist and besides watching what I prescribe her… I - I just don’t know what you expect from me.”

 

Anya sighed, “Just keep an eye on her. She’s a rescue swimmer so any time they are in the water, they have to undergo a physical afterwards because hypothermia is a huge risk up here. You’ll probably get more one-on-one time with her than what we’ve gotten in the last six months.”  
  
_Fuck. Obviously I wouldn’t prescribe her more than what she needs, but what the hell am I supposed to do? Be her friend? Be their watchdog? This is so unethical…_ _I’m supposed to be getting acclimated to a new town, new job, new environment, new... everything - and this,_ Clarke whines internally.

  
“ANYYYYWAYS, everyone will be getting off shift in the next 15 minutes so let’s change the subject to something less depressing,” said Anya breaking the silence.

 

Everyone smiled in agreement.

 

Raven was easily able to change the subject to something more her speed, “So Clarke, you fuck boys or girls?”

 

Clarke choked on her beer. _Fucking Jesus H. Christ._

 

\----------------------------

 

The night went really well. Clarke actually enjoyed Octavia and Lincoln just as much as Ray and Anya said she would. Linc DID finally ask O out and the entire bar embarrassed them by cheering. Bellamy, of course, spent most of the night hitting on Clarke as did some tall blonde he came with… Niylah.

 

They were both very attractive and charming but Clarke was focused on the job and rebuilding herself. She refused to jeopardize herself in any way and above all else, she did not want complicated and all love was, was complicated.

 

At some point, word got around that the new doc was in town and that she was a total bombshell. Loads of crewmen started showing up and edging in to introduce themselves. The attention was like razor blades on her skin so she hopped behind the bar to help Anya out, but really it was to put a barrier between her and the eager boys and girls.

 

Raven leaned in, “I’m sorry for all of them, bunch of sexist horndogs. Things’ll calm down in a week. I’ll have Kane talk to them in morning meeting.”

 

Clarke was grateful - she was happy to be friends with Anya’s people but she needed the majority of the Coast Guardsman to respect her not only as an individual and as a woman, but as a professional in her field.

 

\----------------------------

 

The next morning, Commander Kane was downstairs at 0600 on the nose. He drove Clarke around the city after she had accused him of exaggerating about how small the town had actually been. “Clarke, look, I did you a favor. Our post office is the size of a closet but now it’ll seem like a four bedroom house!” He joked but he was actually kind of right. Her expectations were so low that when she saw the various restaurants, the couple of grocery markets, and one department store, she thought for a moment that this might not be so bad after all.

 

They returned to base and he gave her a tour of their relatively new digs. After a while, Clarke noticed that every Guardsmen they passed would stop and salute the Commander and then turn to Clarke, salute her, and say, “my apologies, ma’am.” Clarke began recognizing a few of the rookies from the bar last night but she knows for a fact that some of them were not there… so why were they?

 

Commander Kane stopped walking and turned to Clarke, picking up on her unasked question, “If my team does not treat everyone with respect, they will not respect the team. If the team has a weak link, the whole chain is weak. When one fails, we all fail. It is my responsibility to ensure that everyone can depend on each other - in our line of work, lives are always at stake… I’m very sorry for their behavior last night, Doctor, and I assure you it will never happen again.”

 

Clarke was pleasantly shocked, “Thank you, sir.” What he said about respecting the team made perfect sense to her. Though, she was genuinely surprised that the hoots, hollers, and sexist bullshit that occured last night was addressed so severely and so quickly. Sexual harassment and sexism is handled VERY differently in the Navy and it is usually the victim who winds up feeling more turmoil afterwards.

 

The Commander quickly resumes their tour and brings her to his office where she is provided with official security clearance. He then hands her an enormous binder which includes a map of the entire base. “Familiarize yourself with this map and the daily routine training schedule immediately. I like my teams to stay fresh and ready but sometimes those drills don’t go as planned - you’ll need to be prepared at any time. You are going to be given a pager and every time a Code Red emergency call comes in, you will be required on site. You will have a small team of medical staff who will be capable of handling minor needs in your absence. If you plan to go on vacation or fly home…” he was cut off.

 

“I won’t… go home… sir.”

 

He stared, “But if you do… we will need at least a months notice to prepare our teams to be to fly to the mainland for surgeries. Finally, there is a written list of the codes, procedures, and processes for running the clinic in the back. Any questions so far?”

 

Clarke shoved the binder under her arm and met his eyes, hiding the overwhelmed feeling she had deep in her gut, “No, sir. It all seems pretty standard.”

 

“Good - now let me explain why we hired a combat/trauma surgeon rather than a Coast Guard physician,” Commander Kane takes a seat in his large office chair and motions for Clarke to take the  seat opposite him. “We are FAR out on the islands. We get landlocked in the ice for about two months and it can become very brutal. We needed someone who can care for the crew AND the village in any extreme situations. A few years ago, one of our crewmen was trapped and it caused a huge laceration on her thigh. By the time we got through the ice and got her to the mainland, there was too much damage and she…”

 

“Anya?” Clarke interrupted.

 

“Wow. She really told you? Gosh, they really are getting soft!” Kane joked.

 

“Again, thanks a lot for the fear exaggeration, sir,” Clarke smiled while she rolled her eyes. “In all seriousness though, they seem to be really good people. I like them. They care about each other - a lot.... I just hope I can meet their expectations,” Clarke added dejectedly.

 

Clarke was looking down at her hands causing her to miss the way Kane’s eye twitched. He understood immediately that Anya told Clarke much, much more than he anticipated. He wasn’t disappointed in the least - just wary. He cared about his Lieutenant Commander like she was his family but, ultimately, he and the team needed to be able to depend on Lexa.

They wrapped up any preliminary paperwork necessary for her and then he brought her to the center of base, “Alright, so, this is the clinic. You’ve got three beds on the left and three on the right. Through that door is a storage room and through that other door is a small, very _small_ , operating room. The crew cleans and sterilizes it every morning and after it is used - so you don’t have to worry about that. Your nursing staff is Eric Jackson and David Miller. Your desk and computer is just there. Once a week, you send me your list of supplies; vitamins, narcotics, gauze, whatever - I’ll order it. Good luck,” he smiled and offered that encouraging, fatherly wink and was gone.

 

This was it. She’s here. In Alaska. Running a clinic. Alone.

 

With a deep huff she walked towards the cabinet and began making a list of all the supplies she would need.

\----------------------------

 

It wasn’t but five hours into her shift before the doors to her clinic opened. It was Raven and Octavia coming by to check on her.

 

“What’s up, Doc?” Octavia asked through her own laughter as she plopped down on one of the beds.

 

Every doctor universally has to suffer through the same damn Bugs Bunny joke and Clarke just rolled her eyes every time, “Not bad… had a few cuts and bruises. An ensign came in with moderate hypothermia because someone,” she glares at Raven, “had him in the training pool for too long.”

 

“He had it coming! He is the most disrespectful little grunt-fuck I’ve seen this year!”

 

“Are you talking about PO Murphy?” Octavia questioned.

 

“YES!”

 

“OH! He’s the fucking worst. I was at the post office the other day and I saw him hanging at Nia’s bar with Queen Kru.”

 

“Queen... crew?” Clarke confusedly asks.

 

Raven chimes in, “Oh yeah! So everyone here is on a patrol team, sort of like an A Team, B Team, etc. But up here, we call each team a KRU; it comes from Anya and Lexa being Alutiiq. Everyone lives and breathes for their Kru. We respect and depend on each other inside and outside of the job. It is a bond beyond blood - it’s a clan.”

 

Clarke nodded as she was finally beginning to understand what Commander Kane and Anya were saying about them being more than just family. “So who is on what Kru and why don’t you like the Queen K _ru_ ?” Clarke’s tongue struggled around the rolled _r_ that Raven and Octavia were able to pronounce so flippantly.  
  
“Bell runs WonKru which has Monty, Jasper, Luna, Miller, and Niylah - who you met last night,” Octavia raises her eyebrows and shoots Clarke a mischievous grin.

 

Clarke’s face immediately reddened, “For the record - I am NOT looking to get into anything here. I want people to trust me. The drama and complications of dating is just a distraction that I’m not willing to allow.”

 

“We get that and I think that’s a wise decision,” Raven’s face broke into a wider smile, “but don’t kid yourself, Niylah and Bellamy are going to thirst after you until one of them dies from dehydration. Consider this a friendly warning.”

 

“Believe me, I won’t reciprocate,” Clarke clarified with a clipped tone, wanting this conversation to end.

 

Raven’s eyes narrowed menacingly and Clarke was preparing for a barrage of questions that strangely never came. _This inquiry isn’t over, I can tell…_

 

Octavia cleared her throat, “So back to the Kru’s… TriKru. The cream of the crop. The best fucking Kru up and down the west coast.” Raven and Octavia both begin to holler and beat their fist on their chests.

 

Clarke’s eyes are wide - she has no idea what is happening.

 

“TriKru is our Kru.”  
  
“Yeah, O, I kind of got that,” Clarke said sarcastic tease.

 

“It was run by Anya before she retired and is now run by _Heda_ \- err - Lieutenant Commander. It’s me, O, Lincoln, Jackson, and Harper. When Lexa was… out… Commander Kane ran the show but it’s not the same without her. She just - she has a way of leading people that would make anyone sail into a storm without question.”

 

_‘Heda’? This is so weird. They talk about this woman like she’s some sort of queen._

 

“And then the Queen Kru - they call themselves the Azgeda Kru but we call them the Queen Kru because they hang out at Nia Queen’s bar and her son, Roan, is the Kru leader. It’s him, that Emori girl, now Murphy - yuck - and Ontari, the biggest bitch in the worrrrrld,” Raven seethed.

 

“Her goal in life is to be the best, make sure everyone knows it, and to be just an absolutely terrible fucking person. She once cut the rope to my response boat during drill so I lapsed in time behind her because I couldn’t tie the fucking thing off!” Octavia admitted through gritted teeth.

 

“We can’t prove it but I’m almost positive it was their Kru’s negligence that led to Anya’s accident…” Raven seethed.

 

Clarke was speechless. She genuinely didn’t know what to say but she clearly understood that she was meant to be wary of these Queen people. They seemed to have a steady track record for disregarding general safety practices in order to make a fool of or to show up the other Kru’s.

 

“OK. We best be getting back to work. Lexa is probably looking for us by now. We’ll see you back at home.” Raven said causing Octavia to roll off the bed with a groan.

 

Clarke waved at them but the word stuck in her head. _Home._ It was obviously her home because she lived upstairs but it was their home too. They spend so much of their time there, their family is there - it IS their home and without even meeting Clarke, they invited her into it.

 

She felt incredible warmth and happiness and she desperately hoped she wouldn’t let them down. But if there’s been one constant in her life - it’s that she fails people no matter how hard she tries to keep them at arm’s length.

 

_*clears throat*_

 

Clarke looked up from where she was staring blankly at the wall. Her bright blue eyes were as wide as saucers. _Holy... shit._ Clarke took in such a quick breath that it felt like she had almost swallowed her tongue and she began to violently choke. The woman that entered the clinic rushed to the sink and filled a small paper cup with water. The stranger shoved it in the doctor’s hands and Clarke downed the drink in a millisecond.

 

Turns out - Clarke was thirstier than she thought.

 

The brunette took the cup from the doctor’s hands and helped raise her arms over her head, “Breathe as deeply as you can and cough. It should help.” Her voice was soft and delicate but her tone was clipped.

 

Clarke followed the woman’s instructions and after a few more moments she was able to breathe normally, “T-Thank you. You snuck up on me and I just… inhaled my own tongue… I guess.”

 

The brunette almost let a smirk tug at the corner of her lips. She was surprised by how very beautiful the new doctor was - _No._ The woman clenched her fists at her side but made no move to acknowledge Clarke’s words for fear of losing her resolve.

 

The uncomfortable silence from the other woman led Clarke to finally look up and meet the blank, hazy green eyes that were staring back at her. The woman was wearing a standard flight suit with the sleeves rolled up to her elbows, revealing more of her caramel skin and rippling forearms.

 

 _Oh geez - Is there anymore water left in that cup?_ Clarke’s throat was suddenly scratchy again.

 

Clarke squirmed under the brunette’s silent gaze but she forced herself to stand and introduce herself properly, “I’m Doctor Clarke Griffin, it’s nice to meet you…?”

 

“Pleasure. I am Lieutenant Commander Lexa Woods. Commander Kane asked me to make time to introduce myself to you. I would have come earlier but you were busy with Ensign Murphy...”

 

_Oh fuck, it’s her! It’s the sister!!_

 

Clarke was remarkably unskilled in masking her thoughts and feelings as they crossed her face. It was a look of surprise - no, it seemed more like fear to Lexa and it caused the hair on her neck to bristle at the doctor’s widening recognition.

 

_She must already know who I am - I’m going to fucking kill Anya._

 

“Yeah, he was…. quite a character, though I suspect it wasn’t entirely his own fault.” Lexa, again, made no response to Clarke’s attempt at smalltalk. She just continued to stand there like she was in agony.

 

Clarke was growing more and more antsy by the minute under the brunette’s scrutinizing eyes. Everything that anyone has told her about Lexa is swirling around in her head; widow, drug addict, unstable, emotional outbursts. The person standing in front of her did not look like any of those things, she just looked… broken.

 

“Is there... something I can do for you, Lieutenant Commander?” Clarke asks tentatively.

 

Lexa hadn’t realized that her mind had gotten away from her again. Her attention to the doctor was not meant to be lewd, though it would be impossible to not notice that Clarke had a strong, curvaceous figure; however, Lexa was also watching the way the doctor wrapped her fingers around the pen in her hand, signaling that she was left handed, and the way she shifted her weight away from her right knee when she was both sitting and standing, suggesting she may have an old injury. Lexa was trapped in her curiosity, wondering how it happened, how long ago, if it still pained her…

 

 ***ahem*** “L-Lieutenant?” Clarke shyly asked.

 

The once hazy, olive eyes lept from studying the curve of Clarke’s thin wrist to meet her eyes.

 

The only reaction Clarke could decipher from Lexa was the tinge of pink on the woman’s cheek just before she began rolling up her pant leg to reveal a large gash on her left leg, “I, uh, I figured now would be as good a time as any to introduce myself.” Lexa spoke without emotion or any flicker of pain but just from looking at the wound Clarke knew it had to be excruciating.

 

“Holy shit, Lexa,” Clarke said softly before continuing more firmly, “Have a seat right there and let me take a look at that.”

 

The brunette’s heart fluttered at sound of the doctor breaking protocol by saying her name. _Stop it, get it together. This is weakness!_ Lexa clenched her fists and dug her nails into her palms.

 

The doctor led Lexa over to the nearest bed and that is when Clarke finally noticed the brunette limping. _Well, at least I know she’s a human and not a robot - maybe…_

 

Lexa refused to lay back onto the bed and instead, propped herself up on her elbows to watch Clarke.

 

Clarke smirked, “You can lay down and relax - It is going to take a minute and will be quite painful.” Lexa made no moves to lay down or even respond to Clarke but instead kept staring stiffly at her own wound.

 

 _Alllllllrighty then… I guess Doctor doesn’t know best…_ Clarke internally rolled her eyes.

 

She began cleaning the wound and got a better look at it, “You missed the tendon but it definitely went through a good bit of muscle. You’ll need a lot of stitches, if not staples, but I’ll get you some -” As Clarke stood to retrieve the necessary tools, she felt an iron grip on her wrist. When she turned back around, Lexa’s green eyes were as vibrant as the trees on the side of the mountains.

 

“No. Don’t. I - please no drugs.” There was a tinge of panic in the brunette’s voice.

 

Clarke felt lost in Lexa’s eyes as her mind swirled with questions about the mysterious woman sitting in her clinic, “Ok. I - I can get you just a local anesthetic for the stitches then…”

 

Lexa’s eyes were pleading. Distress was the first clear emotion Clarke could discern from the brunette since she walked into her clinic and it set the doctor’s skin on fire. This was not the woman Anya made her out to be.  
  
“O-Ok… no drugs then.”  

 

Lexa immediately released the doctor’s wrist and went back to propping herself up on the bed. Within seconds, her face was back to stone.

 

Clarke shakily continued toward the cabinet to grab a suture kit and supplies. She quickly glanced down to see the imprint of the brunette’s fingers wrapped around her wrist. It didn’t hurt so much as it set her on edge. Clarke felt like maybe she SHOULD fear the woman on the other side of the room but she couldn’t bring herself to do it.  
  
Lexa reminded Clarke of an animal who slipped into frozen waters and was paddling and treading as much as possible just to keep their head above the waves. That look of sheer panic and fear was a look that Clarke was all too familiar with from her time being deployed. It was a look she still saw in her nightmares.

 

_Not that Lexa was a dog - she’s a woman. A very beautiful woman. A tall, thin but also very muscular woman with a jaw that - Jesus. FOCUS UP CLARKE! She’s a person in need and this is not why you came here!_

 

Clarke realized it wasn’t Lexa’s forceful grip on her wrist that made her feel fear, it was how much she instantly cared about the brunette feeling safe with her. The doctor didn’t know how to process or accept this feeling. Since her father passed, she kept everyone at arm’s length - no relationships too long or too serious, even friendships.

Clarke refocused her wild thoughts and returned to her stool beside Lexa’s bed. She continued cleaning the torn flesh between her achilles tendon and her calf muscle. Every few seconds, Clarke’s eyes would glance to Lexa’s but each time she only saw a cold expression with laser focus on what she was doing. Lexa had no signs of pain other than the few beads of sweat surfacing at her hairline. Almost like Lexa was punishing herself by focusing on and suffering through the agonizing pain.

 

Clarke stopped cleaning the wound and began preparing the suturing needle, “May I ask how you got this, Lieutenant?”

 

Lexa was silent and her serious expression never changed. But her eyes darted from her leg to Clarke’s unyieldingly blue eyes, “Are you asking out of curiosity or because you think I did this to myself to get drugs from you?”

 

Clarke’s hands froze and her jaw clenched.

 

“I know Anya told you.”

 

 _Fuck…_ Clarke waited a few beats before meeting Lexa’s hateful stare, “Look - I’m not a psychologist and I will never pretend to be! Your problems are yours to deal with on your own - that’s my motto and it has lasted me this long! But you should know that anything you do or say is protected by doctor patient confidentiality. If you want my help, I can figure out how to get resources to you, but I - I’m not - this is not my…”  

 

Lexa’s eyes darted away, effectively ending Clarke’s sentence before her rambling became uncontrollable. Neither woman made a move to continue talking so Clarke went back to closing Lexa’s wound. It took 17 stitches, a lot of glaring, and multiple demands from Clarke to get Lexa to agree to take an ibuprofen and an antibiotic. It felt like a small win but a win nonetheless.

 

Lexa weakly stood up from the bed and was almost out the door before she paused. She gripped the door jam until her knuckles were white.

 

“Are you ok, Lieutenant?” Clarke questioned over the rim of her glasses that were perched on her nose as she began filling out paperwork.

 

Lexa shifted slightly, “I-I’m sorry.”

 

Clarke’s eyebrows cinched together as she removed the glasses from her face, “For what?”

 

Lexa couldn’t meet her eyes and barely even turned to face her whole body towards the blonde, “For touching you - for grabbing your hand so hard… I wasn’t trying to hurt you, I just… I...”

 

A rush of air flowed from Clarke’s nostrils as she sighed, “Your family broke a lot of my personal rules by warning me about you… so you didn’t exactly come into a welcoming environment… but if you ever grab me like that again, I will drop you to the floor.” There wasn’t a hint of humor or teasing in her voice.

 

Lexa swallowed any response.

 

“One more thing,” Lexa looked up again, entirely unaware that she’d made more eye contact with the blonde doctor in twenty minutes than she had with anyone else in the last month. “I need to see you tomorrow to replace the bandages on your leg. Be here. Same time tomorrow.”

 

It was an olive branch which Lexa accepted with a soft nod.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize it took so long to update - that won't be a typical occurence. I posted right before I went on vacation and I did not find the time to update as I had expected I would.


	3. What Did You Bury Before Those Hands Pulled Me From The Earth?

Clarke couldn’t shake her mind away from her interaction with the mysterious and slightly hostile Lieutenant Commander. She attempted to distract herself with inventory and paperwork but she couldn’t help but wonder why the _addict_ refused any modicum of medication, even in the face of very real, very excruciating pain.

 

Aside from Lexa being borderline unapproachable and eerily disaffected, nothing about the interaction pointed to Lexa exhibiting any ‘at risk’ behavior or to her being a continuing drug user. Obviously, the woman did not seem _fine,_ by anyone’s standards, but all Clarke could really do was keep an eye on her when their paths crossed and intervene when she felt it necessary.

 

It was nearing the end of her day and she was able to meet her team and introduce herself to Nurse Jackson and Nurse Miller. The duo felt it was important to disclose to her that they had been dating for the last few years. While that sort of working relationship would not be encouraged elsewhere, the town only had 5,000 people, so if you found love you best thank the powers that be for the miracle.

 

They took a little time to discuss schedules and the guys were not only impressed but relieved by Clarke’s ideas. The schedules they were given with the last doctor left them working late nights with nothing to do. “I don’t think it is necessary to schedule anyone for the graveyard shift at this time… I asked for a record of clinic visits and emergency history and they mostly occur in the evening or early in the morning. If you both agree, I would rather create an on-call schedule and have it posted on the door. When someone needs us, they just hit the button and our pagers call us in.”

 

As expected, the guys loved the idea. It meant better hours, more time to be sociable with their kru, and it meant more time with each other. Though, in reality, Clarke knew she would stay late most days - if not ALL days. Not having someone available in the clinic would be a rare occurrence.

 

In Syria, she slept on any available cot next to the wounded refugees and fellow soldiers. If there wasn’t an empty cot, which happened more often than not, she would sleep on the ground. Perhaps it was a control issue, perhaps she just always liked to be prepared.

 

But those were just routine excuses Clarke used. The real reason was that she was absolutely terrified to not be there. She wasn’t there when her dad died. She wasn’t there when Finn... she just needed to always be there because when she wasn’t, people died.

 

Clarke believed that if she was always at the clinic then she would be able to do her best. If her best wasn’t enough, she would rather carry the burden of blaming herself for not being good enough than to feel like she could have done more, done better. Clarke did not want to burden or inconvenience Jackson and Miller with her personal issues so she made up an excuse to give them nicer working hours and to put them on call.

 

Her rotation ended at 4:00PM but the guys spent the next two hours trying to convince her they had it under control. They assured her several times that they would call if there were any major emergencies and she finally agreed to leave.

 

“I like her,” Miller admitted with a smile.

 

“Yeah, she seems great but I feel like she’s hiding something,” Jackson squinted at the door Clarke left through.

 

“So what if she is. It’s not really our business, you know?” Miller admitted with a shrug.

 

Jackson smiled, “I know you’re right, babe. We are all just curious about her is all.”

 

\-----

 

Clarke got back to the bar, went upstairs, and collapsed on her bed. She groggily pulled out her phone to see the next series of text messages from her mother:

 

 **_Clarke - call me. I want to know you made it safe._ ** **_  
_ ** **_  
_ ** **_Please._ ** **_  
  
_**

**_WOULD YOU JUST PUT YOUR MOTHER’S FUCKING MIND AT EASE!?_ **

 

**_Sorry, honey. I’m just worried._ **

 

**_WHAT IF YOUR PLANE FLEW INTO A MOUNTAIN AND YOU ARE BURIED BENEATH THE SNOW?! HOW WILL I KNOW TO CALL 911!?_ **

 

Clarke groaned but finally took the time to respond to her frantic mother:

 

**_Mom. I’m fine. I’m sorry I didn’t text you. It’s been busy here. I’ll call you when I have an available time._ **

**_  
_ ** She wasn’t going to call.

 

Clarke loved her mother but ever since her father died, Abby has tried to make up for her absence in Clarke’s childhood. It took Clarke a long time to forgive her mother and an even longer time for her to accept this new motherly affection as not being “fake”. After some time, she was able to recognize it for what it really was, Abby’s way of apologizing for feeling guilty.

 

However, that didn’t mean Clarke had to answer every text message and phone call. Her mom could be very suffocating - like a kid excitedly squeezing the life from a family pet.

 

Just as Clarke was about to fall asleep, she was awoken by a considerably loud shouting match and it didn’t sound like any good shouting. She threw on a sweatshirt and pants before groggily making her way downstairs to make sure everything was OK. She pinched the bridge of her nose and rubbed her eyes in an attempt to clear her very tired vision. She saw the back of Anya’s head and Raven’s hand on her shoulder but couldn’t make out the figure on the other side with a familiar voice.

 

“I can’t believe you did that! This is my personal business and my life! You had absolutely no right and this is TWICE now!” the figured yelled with a deep and feral voice.

 

“I was doing what I thought was best! You were out of control and you know I did the right thing! We are just worried about you! You don’t talk to us, you don’t see us - how am I supposed to help you?!” Anya stepped forward with her yell but Raven’s fingers tightened to hold her back.

 

The figure took a deep breath, “I don’t need you to fix anything, An. I am not a drug addict - I never was. I just - I just needed to not feel SO MUCH, OK? I’m not anymore, for the record, so I need you to back off.”

 

 _Oh shit. It’s Lexa._ Clarke froze and immediately turned around to go back up the stairs.

 

 **_SQUEEEEEK_ **!

 _Fucking - mother fucking stairs!_ Clarke screwed her eyes shut and screamed internally.

 

Lexa tilted her head to look around Anya and spotted the memorably golden hair of the new doctor. “She’s even STAYING with you!?”

 

Before Clarke could fully turn around, the door to the bar slammed open. _Shit_ , Clarke sighed as she moved past Raven and Anya. She’s not entirely sure why she was chasing after the brunette woman but her feet were moving before she could really think about it.

 

“HEY!” Clarke called out to the fading figure, her breath wafting out in a cloud from the darkening and chilling air. “HEY! STOP!”

 

Lexa’s pace quickened.

 

“HEY! HOLD ON! LET ME TALK TO YOU!” No response.

 

“HEY, ASSHOLE! IT IS COLD OUT HERE!!! EITHER YOU NEED TO STOP OR YOU WILL BE RESPONSIBLE FOR MY DEATH!”

 

Lexa stopped but she didn’t turn around. She just stood there and waited for Clarke to catch up and catch her breath.

 

“Whatever you are going to say is futile, Clar _k_ e.” A chill ran down the blonde’s spine. “Kane should have never allowed you to stay there. It is absolutely a conflict of interest and - and - there shouldn’t even BE an fucking ‘ _interest_ ’! I’m not an addict and I’m not out of control! W-What they saw a month ago was just… I WAS HANDLING IT!” That’s when Lexa finally turned and saw Clarke’s expression. It wasn’t an expression she was expecting - it wasn’t pity or sympathy or even remorse… she looked really pissed off actually.

 

“In my professional opinion, I don’t think you are or ever were an addict. However, you were self-medicating for a problem that a doctor failed to properly treat. According to your superior officer and your peers, you were going to work in a state that led to you underperforming the expectations of your duty. They had every right to suspend you and you are lucky it stopped there.” Lexa was seething but made no move to argue. Clarke thought back to Kane’s earlier words and she decided to repeat his sentiments, “...If the team has a weak link, the whole chain is weak. When one fails, we all fail. It is my responsibility to ensure that everyone can perform their duty to the highest capacity - in our line of work, lives are always at stake. You can be defensive and embarrassed and angry all you want, but you will no longer blame them for your own shit. You got it?”

 

Just as they had with Clarke, Kane’s words struck a chord with Lexa. Lexa’s defensiveness was rooted in her embarrassment that anyone felt she couldn’t perform her duty, that they thought she was weak.

 

Clarke’s face softened but her gaze grew distant. She began to recognize just how much she and the brunette have in common. Perhaps that is why she felt this pull towards Lexa - maybe she just saw a little bit of herself in the Lieutenant Commander and she wants to fix it because if she can fix Lexa, maybe she can be fixed too.

 

“It - It’s okay to,” Clarke stops and sighs, “asking for help doesn’t make you weak, Lex.”

 

The brunette’s jaw shifted from side to side like she was willing herself not to feel. Her eyes shifted around, refusing to meet Clarke’s, until they finally rested on the thin, almost microscopic sheen of ice collecting on a blade of grass.

 

Clarke’s ocean colored eyes watched fury and peace battle behind Lexa’s jade eyes. She thought maybe, if there was ever anyone on this earth who could possibly understand her, it might be Lexa.

 

And maybe opening up to her would make their vulnerability feel balanced…

 

And maybe… they could help each other…

 

Clarke’s fists clenched at her side to mask her nervous tremor… or maybe she was just freezing to death; she was only wearing a sweatshirt and pants but with nothing underneath either. Then again, if she were wearing anymore clothes, she would likely be sweating from the nervous energy coursing through her body as she was preparing herself to share something she hadn’t talked with anyone about.

 

Clarke took a deep breath and focused on the farthest point of the horizon, “I left the Navy because they were going to honorably discharge me.”

 

Lexa’s widened eyes shot to Clarke’s - searching for an explanation. _What happened? Why is she telling me this?_

 

Before Lexa could open her mouth, Clarke continued, “I was in Syria. Second two-year tour. It - the - uhh,” Clarke swallowed her tears before they could start but it was evident in her voice. “It was a nightmare. Every day there were more civilians coming in - if it wasn’t wounds from fighting, it was disease from starvation, dehydration, and poor sanitation,” Clarke crossed her arms across her midriff a little bit tighter.

 

“My, um, my…. a, uh, co-worker of mine - went on a rescue one night, an IED exploded inside an apartment. I stayed up all night the night before, comforting this little girl whose legs were… Um - so they wouldn’t let me go on this mission.” Lexa watched as Clarke’s throat bobbed around her large swallow. “I had been asleep when they got back - I did everything I could but he was - if I had been on the mission I maybe could have stopped the bleeding but I wasn’t there… He died looking right at me with this-this fear in his eyes and his blood on my hands…” Clarke’s eyelids slowly closed causing the pooling tears to finally streak down her face.

“The nightmares started soon after - I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t close my eyes without seeing his. I couldn’t perform my duty at my highest capacity. My superiors were starting to notice so I left before they could take the job I loved away from me,” The blonde finally shifted to look straight at Lexa, whose eyes were wide with unspoken thoughts.

 

“Maybe - maybe we can help each other. Maybe that is why I am here,” Clarke cleared her throat and shifted beneath Lexa’s uncomfortable stare.

 

The only sound filling the silence were gulls and the freezing, howling wind.

 

“Ok.” Lexa said it so softly and delicately that the blonde wasn’t sure she’d have heard it had it not been carried by the wind.

 

“I took the first step - and it was a big one. You’ve got some catching up to do so you can start by giving me your jacket, following me to the bar, apologizing to Anya and Raven, and buying me a beer.”

 

Lexa began to argue but Clarke cut her off, “Nope. Just a quick ‘sorry’ and nothing else. No questions, no answers. Just start there. I promise you will feel better.”

 

Lexa silently nodded. If Clarke wasn’t feeling so exhausted and vulnerable, she’d think the crinkle between Lexa’s brow was cute. The woman shrugged off her jacket and Clarke immediately sank into its warmth and memorized the scent it carried.

 

They returned to the bar after what felt like hours but had only been 20 minutes. Raven and Anya were sitting at the bar, leaning into each other, and sharing a few tears. When they came through the door, both their eyes displayed their absolute surprise. “Lexa, I didn’t mean to….”

 

“I’m sorry. To both of you.”

 

Raven and Anya’s eyes shifted to Clarke whose subtle nod said exactly what it needed to - ‘ _Accept the apology and move on.’_

 

Anya tried to so subdue the smile on, “Let me grab you both a beer. What would you like?” The blonde and brunette duo gave their order and sat at the bar, side by side.

 

Raven got up, acting like she wanted to help her wife grab the beers but really she just wanted to whisper, “ _Is the doc wearing Lex’s jacket?_ ”

 

\--------

 

The whole kru showed up when they heard Lexa was hanging at the bar - probably a sneaky text from Raven or Anya. That night was the first time Clarke had seen Lexa smile and it sent chills across her skin.

 

Lincoln had been recounting how he asked Octavia out and how the entire bar erupted into cheers. Lexa slapped a hand on the large man’s shoulder, her lips slowly pulling to the corner of her face before the smile took over her entire face, “I’m proud of you, Linc. Octavia is perfect for you. I’m so happy for you both.”

 

*ahem* A soft throat being cleared beside her cause Clarke to jolt and realized the beer she was refilling at the tap was now overflowing.

 

 _Shit._ “Sorry, Ray. I must’ve been lost in my thoughts… about… work tomorrow, you know?”

 

The latina devilishly smirked as she strolled back to her stool beside Anya.  

 

Clarke delivered the beer to Octavia and then signaled to Anya that she was done behind the bar and was going upstairs to bed. The older woman nodded in thanks but turned to her wife before crawling back behind the bar, “You saw that too, right?”

 

“Yes, of course.” Raven rolled her eyes before cocking one eyebrow high over the other one, “But have you seen how Lexa keeps looking at Clarke every time her back was turned?”

 

Anya smiled but it was tentative. She wanted Lexa to find love again, of course, and it had already been a year and a half since Costia passed away - but Clarke didn’t seem like she was in a place to reciprocate those feelings and the last thing Anya wanted for her sister was more heartbreak.

 

“I know that look. Do. Not. Meddle.” Raven jabbed her wife in the side. “Lex is a big girl and so is Clarke. Let them figure out what is plainly in front of them on their own time.” Raven stared her wife down until she relented.

 

\-----

Lexa’s knuckles rapped against the doorframe to the clinic just as the clock on the wall pointed to 3:04PM - the exact time she had entered the clinic the previous day - but who was counting?

 

Clarke was. All day in fact.

 

“Lieutenant Commander. It’s good to see you’ve heeded your doctor’s orders,” Clarke’s smile was a little bit brighter and a little bit bigger than she had expected considering she spent most of the day feeling drained after yesterday’s events. Clarke kept repeating to herself, _I came here to start a new life and to move on_ , _I can’t afford distractions_. Instead, on her first full day in town, she talked more about her her past more than she had in the last 10 years.

 

Clarke didn’t necessarily regret sharing a little of her past with Lexa but she ended up sharing a lot and that made her feel vulnerable - a feeling she had worked very hard to avoid for most of her life.

 

“Yes, ma’am. I’m never late and I never refuse a direct order.” Lexa said with a reserved formal tone.

 

Clarke’s brain short circuited; she definitely didn’t intend to file away that little bit of information about Lexa obeying **all** direct orders and she definitely didn’t notice Lexa watching the tinge of pink appear and slowly fade from her own cheeks.

 

“Um……… well - good. Why don’t you have a seat and we’ll take a look at your stitches.”

 

Lexa sat down on the bed and began unlacing her boot while Clarke grabbed more bandages on her roly stool. The blonde playfully spun herself off from the cabinets, sailed across the floor, and landed right in front of Lexa.

 

“I bet you’re pretty good at shuffleboard - you pitched that perfectly,” if it weren’t for the smallest dimple in Lexa’s cheek you wouldn’t be able to tell Lexa was smiling - and Clarke’s blue eyes were stuck on it like glue.

 

The doctor was about to tell Lexa a funny story about the races she and the other residents would host with some of the patients and how they would get in so much trouble but the kids loved it. However, Clarke thought better of it.

 

Instead, Clarke thought about the ten extra minutes she spent laying in bed this morning thinking about all that had transpired in the last 36 hours. She had come to the conclusion that she had overshared with Lexa and moving forward, they would just be colleagues. Any discussion about Lexa’s personal life would be purely clinical.

 

That is what Lexa needed and that is all Clarke could handle.

 

“Oh, yeah. Many, many years as a bored resident, I guess.”

 

Lexa had watched a small smile form on the doctor’s face and then slowly slip away.

 

The brunette reminded Clarke with the softest tone, “You said we had to be honest with each other, Clarke.” Lexa’s green eyes danced across the blonde’s face trying to interpret even the slightest glimpse of a reaction from her.

 

Clarke kept her head down and allowed her shoulder length curls to mask her face.

 

“Clarke… you know you can talk to me…”

 

“If I want to talk, I’ll talk.” She did not mean to get angry, especially at Lexa, but the pressure to talk, the nagging, the prodding - it was too much. She opened up because Lexa needed it, not her. In fact, telling Lexa was the last thing Clarke needed. “You’re done. You can re-dress it yourself, once in the morning and again before bed.”

 

Lexa’s brows creased and her mouth hung open at the shock of Clarke’s abrupt change. “Clarke, I-.”

 

“Please,” Clarke pleaded. She had finally turned around and met Lexa’s stare but her eyes were ice and her arms were crossed across her chest defensively.

 

Lexa understood the change. Probably better than anyone could. Her mind embraced Clarke’s words yesterday, ‘ _Maybe we can help each other… Maybe that’s why I’m here.’_ Even if Clarke didn’t believe that anymore today, she believed it yesterday - on some level, Clarke meant it, even if she’s not ready to admit it.

 

The brunette stood and made her way to the door but stalled, “For the record, Clarke, I don’t think you need help…”

 

Clarke scoffed and rolled her eyes. _Of course, I don’t need help. I don’t need her to tell me that._

 

“But what you do need is a _friend_ \- one who understands… all _this_ ,” Lexa waved the gauze Clarke pathetically piled in her hands. It wasn’t necessarily an offer of friendship but rather a seed planted in Clarke’s mind that maybe it isn’t weakness to have a person.

 

Clarke wanted to be angry. She wanted to be fuming. She wanted to be so many things other than… grateful.


	4. Something So Magic About You

“Friends,” Clarke stated flatly as she shoved a thermos full of coffee at the brunette.

 

Lexa skeptically eyed the peace offering long enough for Clarke’s grip to tighten with expectation and a little frustration. 

 

They hadn’t spoken since Lexa left the clinic but they had occupied the same space and shared short glances across the bar over the last three weeks. Lexa finally relented, “Uh - thanks.” The brunette’s words were clipped and filled with obvious annoyance as she took the thermos from Clarke’s hands. 

 

Clarke had the day off and planned to spend it in sweatpants and watching reruns of the Legend of Korra. But, when she heard Lexa mention to Anya at the bar last night that she’d be by in the morning before her shift to drop something off, Clarke thought she’d finally relent and apologize to Lexa for being so rude to her. However, the apology was more nonverbal than Clarke meant for it to be - and Lexa definitely noticed.

 

Clarke pulled both of her lips into her mouth and shoved her hands in the back pockets of her jeans. She was trying to prevent herself from fidgeting now that the thermos was no longer occupying her hands and Lexa’s savage stare was certainly not helping her think clearly. “Yeah, well... You know... OK. Welp... I guess I’ll be seeing ya around then.” Clarke turned around quickly and ran back up the stairs to her apartment. 

 

After a few moments, Anya broke the silence, “So - what the FUCK was that about?” Her menacing grin was wide and questioning.

 

“It’s nothing that concerns you, Anya,” Lexa’s said brutishly. Lexa had just been thinking to herself, ‘ _It’s nice that Clarke finally decided to be a civil human being after three fucking weeks of completely ignoring me!_ _I’m not at her beck and call!_ ’

 

“It concerns me because you are my sister and she is my tenant. But mostly, because you are my sister and… because this,” she motioned between where Clarke had been standing and to Lexa, “could be a problem…” 

 

The look Lexa gave Anya signaled that perhaps a cheeky smile was not what the situation called for.

 

“Stay out of it,” Lexa snarled through her teeth and stormed out the door. 

 

Anya was frozen, “What the fuck just happened…?” 

 

**\-----next day**

 

“Hey! HEY! Do NOT make me chase you down again!” 

 

Lexa abruptly stopped and spun around, “What could you possibly want, Clarke? Hmm?”

 

“U-uhm,” Clarke’s eyes were wide as a slithering thought flashed across Clarke’s mind;  _ what DO I want from her? _ It was gone just as quickly as it arrived but its stain was unnerving. “Well you - and then I - and then you - and now you are ignoring me!!” Clarke puffed out her chest in indignation. 

 

Lexa’s face broke into a smile but it was not one of those soft, pleasant smiles that Clarke doesn’t realize she craves to see, “Are you being serious, right now? I am ignoring you?! Clarke, you kicked me out of your clinic like I’m a dog, then YOU ignored me for three weeks, and now you expect coffee to be what makes us friends? Seriously!?” 

 

Clarke was shocked. It never even occurred to her that she was being so selfish. All this time isolating herself away from having human relationships made her completely unaware. However, if she gave that shitty excuse to Lexa, she would think it was unacceptable… so… Clarke just kept staring. 

 

Lexa scoffed and turned to walk away.

 

Clarke was moving faster than she could think. She reached for Lexa’s elbow to stop her, “I-I’m sorry, Lexa. That’s all I have - I’m sorry.”

 

Lexa’s eyes darted back and forth between the blonde’s, measuring the honesty and sincerity in her words.  _ Walk away. Walk away from her. Do it. You don’t need this!  _  “I don’t need this, Clarke…” Lexa said with sad and drained exasperation.

 

Lexa’s words hurt. The wrinkle between Clarke’s eyes deepened. The breath she was holding rushed through her nose as her eyes sunk closed, “...................I - I think maybe we really do.” 

 

The brunette shifted her jaw back and forth as her head and her heart battled for control. “Why can’t I just walk away from you?” The question wasn’t meant to have an answer. Honestly, it wasn’t meant to come out of her mouth at all. 

 

But there it was. 

 

The unspoken problem between them. 

 

Why CAN’T either of them walk away?

 

In just one month, there was this inexplicable pull towards each other, some ping that kept going off when they knew the other was in the same room. 

 

It wasn’t a feeling to be felt, but more so, an awareness of circumstance. They felt like hostages to its inevitability.

 

They couldn’t escape. 

 

A loud shrug from Lexa broke the crippling silence, “Do you like hiking?”

 

Clarke’s nose wrinkled, “Why?”

 

Lexa’s exasperation could be felt from a mile, “Do you like hiking or not, Clarke?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Do you work tomorrow?”

 

“No.”

 

“Good. I’ll be by at 0400 to pick you up,” and then she turned and walked away.

 

Clarke called out to her once the shock wore off, “WHAT IF I SAID I DON’T LIKE HIKING?!”

 

Lexa called back, “I DON’T CARE.” 

 

**\--------- 0400 hours**

 

“You can put your gear in the back,” Lexa pointed to the back of her ‘78 Ford Bronco, “I’ll lock up behind you.” 

 

Clarke climbed into the front seat slowly. She was feeling overwhelmed with thoughts of her father. He would’ve stood here and talked to Lexa for an hour, easily, about this truck, its engine, the upkeep, how she restored it, etc. 

 

“You OK?” Lexa asked when she saw Clarke vacantly staring at the dashboard. 

 

She was shaken from her thoughts, “Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let’s go. I’m ready.” The fake smile wasn’t missed by Lexa but she chose to let it go for now.  

  
Lexa drove about half a block before she threw the truck in park and jumped out. Clarke sat up and started looking around. “Um, Lexa. Out of curiosity, where in the HELL are you taking me?”

 

A smile finally spread across Lexa’s pinkish lips and Clarke’s jaw fell slack before Lexa answered, “...to my island.” 

 

Clarke laughed with disbelief, “Your what?”

 

“My island,” she unlatched the back of the Bronco and began grabbing Clarke’s gear out the back. She carried it over to relatively large power boat. “Well, it’s not MINE but I am the only one who lives there currently.” 

 

“Where is it?” Clarke questioned, not entirely believing the jokester who made her climb into a truck to drive 40 seconds away. 

 

Lexa flippantly waved in not-so-specific eastern direction, “Thataway.” She finally tied down Clarke’s gear and offered her a hand into the boat, “Ready? Or are we just going to keep stalling?” Lexa was excited. It wouldn’t be obvious to many but Clarke had stared at her face, not so secretly, long enough that she can see the hint of a smirk tucked into the brunette’s cheek.

 

Clarke glared before she abandoned her skepticism and took Lexa’s hand. An electric charge suddenly traveled up both their arms and settled in their bellies. Their eyes widened at one another, “What the hell was that?” Clarke asked first.

 

“I-I don’t know,” Lexa’s heart was beating rapidly. She felt the charge but it wasn’t a shock. It felt more like a door cracking open or the first of many locks being released. “It’s probably just static,” she said unconvincingly, “L-let’s just get going - there’s only so much daylight.”  

 

Clarke rolled her eyes at the dismissive brunette. It was daylight for well over 12 hours this time of year.

 

The women sat silently as Lexa navigated through the choppy waves. Both lost in their own thoughts. It had been a very long time since Clarke had been on the water and she desperately missed it, but each wave brought a little relief and a little apprehension. 

 

After about a twenty minute boat ride, they came up on a large dock. Lexa quickly jumped out and tied the vessel to each of the cleats. Clarke reached over for her backpack to hand it to the brunette but when she turned her breath got caught in her throat. 

 

Lexa had taken her hair down and when she leaned forward it had fallen over her shoulder and was illuminated by the early sunlight. It was the first time Clarke had seen Lexa with her hair down and it sent goose bumps down her arms. Lexa swallowed thickly and pulled her hand back to tuck it behind her ear, feeling a little self conscious under Clarke’s unyielding and wide stare. 

 

“A-Are you coming up?” the blush evident in her caramel cheeks.

 

“Oh. Right. Yeah,” Clarke shakes herself back to reality, “I was just - remembering to buy eggs later - at the store.” 

 

_ Jesus, Clarke. Get it together. _

 

Something had shifted earlier when they touched hands. Clarke had thought about it on the boat and she likened it to finding that puzzle piece you’d spent way too long looking for and, while the puzzle isn’t complete yet, you still just feel this relaxed elation. That’s how she felt around Lexa. It wasn’t entirely clear why or how because she really didn’t know the girl all that well, but she felt like she wasn’t spinning her wheels anymore. 

 

Though, Clarke wouldn’t be Clarke if she didn’t get in her own head about it…

 

_ No - she deserves someone who doesn’t have blood on their hands. Lexa’s been through too much to ever want someone who has failed every important person in their life.  _

 

_ Lexa deserves better than me. _

 

Lexa, on the other hand, wouldn’t be Lexa if she didn’t compartmentalize everything she was feeling. Any moment she felt a spark or a hint of happiness, she stamped it out. Lexa felt incredible gut-wrenching guilt when she thought about moving on and finding happiness with someone else because Costia couldn’t - she was dead. 

 

Lexa was thrust into a memory of the last argument she had with Anya before she stopped talking to them:

 

_ That doesn’t mean you should stop living just because - _

 

_ JUST BECAUSE WHAT? JUST BECAUSE SHE DIED?  _

 

Finding the loose curls of golden hair that hung from Clarke’s ponytail, or the mole just above her upper lip, attractive wrecked Lexa - it was unacceptable… but she just couldn’t stay away.  _ Friends _ . Friends she could do. But moments like this, moments of Clarke staring up at her with those big, beautiful blue eyes, made it so damn hard.

 

Clarke noticed the brunette was distracted so she tossed her gear onto the deck and climbed out the boat herself. She didn’t need Lexa’s help but she may or may not have been waiting to touch Lexa’s hand again. 

 

_ Damn it! _

 

“SO! This is where you live?” Clarke said to jostle Lexa.

 

Lexa’s body twitched. She would never admit that Clarke scared her, she wasn’t usually a jumpy person. “Oh - yeah, yeah, yeah. I’ll take you to the cabin and I’ll grab my stuff there and then we can be on our way.”

 

They made their way up the rocky beach and once they broke through the treeline, Clarke saw the cabin. “W-what the - what is this place?” 

 

Lexa smiled hearing the bewilderment in Clarke’s voice, “You are at the northeastern tip of Unalaska island in Kalekta Bay. This is the house my father built for my mother - well, me and Anya’s adoptive parents. Gustus built this for Indra and when they moved to Anchorage, they gave it to me and Anya to take care of. Now that Anya’s married and has the bar, the responsibility of making repairs and such is on me.” 

 

You couldn’t miss the pride in Lexa’s voice. 

 

“This is like one of those fancy log cabins you see in magazines. How did you get all this done?” Clarke was spinning around, trying to take in all of Lexa’s hard work. 

 

Lexa shoved her hands in her back pockets and let out a long breath, “Welp. I ordered some stuff but built most of it. Gustus was a contractor by trade and a carpenter by hobby. He’s built a lot of really incredible places for people in Anchorage and Vancouver. He wanted to build Indra something beautiful but then… me and Anya came along and their passion project became taking care of the two of us. As far as my personal touch… the kitchen I’ve redone. I redid the bedroom and the bathroom. I redid the stairs to have bookshelves into the side. And I’ve just started working on the living area.”

 

“So you basically built the inside of this incredible house all by yourself and he did the structural parts?” Clarke huffed with disbelief.

 

“Yep, pretty much,” Lexa responded but then quickly reminded Clarke, “but don’t tell him that. I think he’s a little sore he never got to finish it himself.”

 

A kind smile spread across the blonde’s face, “I’m sure he takes great pride in his daughter finishing his legacy - as he should, Lexa, this is a dream.”

 

It was, perhaps, the kindest and most thoughtful reassurance anyone had given Lexa. Her heart swelled as she made pointed eye contact with Clarke, “Thank you, that means… a lot… to me.”

 

Their eyes lingered and danced across each other’s face. They both wanted to say more… to do more… but they both had their own reasons to walk away.

 

“Um - so. Ready to get going?” Clarke breaks their silence, needing relief from the thoughts about what it’d be like to live here… with Lexa. 

 

“Yeah - yeah, of course. My bag is packed and on the back porch so if you’ll just follow me out that way, we can get going.” 

 

The smiles were coming easier and easier to Lexa. 


	5. Anyway to Distract and Sedate

“I hate to break it to you Lexa, but I don’t think you can claim this entire island as yours… It’s a pretty big island.”

 

“Tomato, tahmahto,” Lexa shrugged as she made her way towards a large shed at the back of the property. “Ah, here we are. The first leg of our journey begins here,” Lexa dropped her bag to the ground and pushed open the sliding door. Inside were two ATV’s and two snowmobiles. “It’s too early to use the snowmobiles but we’ll need to take the ATVs to get closer to the summit.”

 

Clarke’s eyes went wide, “What!? Summit? I did not agree to climbing a mountain today!” 

 

“Relax. We will ride these for most of the way but we WILL have to rock climb a sheer mountain cliff to get to the top,” Lexa said simply.

 

“WHAT!?”

 

“I’m kidding!” Lexa chuckled. Her laugh felt like a warm blanket being wrapped around Clarke’s shoulders. “It’s just a short hike. It is a little steep but nothing we can’t do on foot. You packed layers and a lunch like I said, right?”

 

“Yes, of course. I am competent enough to follow simple directions. Don’t let my doctorate in medicine fool you,” Clarke said indignantly. 

 

Lexa turned away to hide the smile she couldn’t stop. She enjoyed the easiness of friendship with Clarke. Perhaps a little too much. 

 

“Can you use that medical degree to figure out how to drive one of these or do you want to squeeze onto the back of mine?” Lexa couldn’t stop herself from raising a flirtatious eyebrow. 

 

Flirting with Clarke was going to have a snowball effect; Lexa would never be able to stop herself once she started and she would eventually come to accept that she didn’t want to stop.

 

Clarke dramatically rolled her eyes and ignored the butterflies in her stomach, “I think I can manage on my own.” She could - easily. Lexa’s sudden cockiness led her to forget that, though Clarke may be a doctor, she was first and foremost a Navy Seal. 

 

Clarke would soon get many opportunities to remind Lexa of this. 

 

They strapped down their bags and began the 15 mile ride towards the summit. The trail was relatively easy going and any of the thick, wooded areas were wellmarked. There were only two or three times they had to slow down and maneuver their vehicles carefully. Ever so often, Lexa would turn to make sure Clarke was keeping up. The blonde found it more endearing than annoying but she couldn’t let Lexa know that. A clearing gave her the perfect opportunity to pass the overly concerned brunette and take point. 

 

The brunette heard the ATV behind her rev its engine. Just as her head turned to the right she caught Clarke’s golden hair passing her on the left. With the doctor leading them down the trail, she picked up the pace and got a bit more wild. Clarke was smart, quick witted, beautiful, compassionate, and a total badass. Lexa would deny that she was turned on but the look on her face made it obvious. 

 

Clarke turned just in time to see Lexa’s pink lip pinched between her teeth. Clarke told herself that the flood of warmth in her core was just a result from the adrenaline of speeding down the trail. 

 

They finally reached the line of trees where they couldn’t ride any further. Clarke jumped off to stretch her legs just as Lexa pulled up behind her. Both their cheeks were red from the cold wind (and other things) but they both had permanent smiles. 

 

“That was a lot of fun,” Clarke admitted.

 

“Yeah, I love coming up here. There are a lot more trails but this one is my favorite. You’ll see why soon. We can take a few minutes, it’s only about a three mile hike from here but it can get pretty steep… it’ll take us a while.”

 

“I’m sure it’s worth it,” there was no sarcasm or teasing in Clarke’s voice. She was falling in love with Alaska and… maybe she was falling a little for what Alaska had to offer too.

 

They took their time unstrapping their bags and once they were slung over their shoulders they began making the climb. It was very steep in some places but Clarke surprised Lexa with her ability to keep up. Eventually, Lexa stopped turning around to offer a hand up to Clarke because the doctor was proving herself very capable and, in fact, could probably scale this faster than Lexa could. 

 

They both missed the contact.

 

It was at the halfway mark when Lexa had to stop to take a drink of water and catch her breath. She rolled her eyes when she noticed Clarke’s teasing smile, “I think you forgot I was in the Navy.”

 

“What did you expect?” Lexa panted. “In the last month, any time someone brought up exercise or a strenuous activity, you groaned!” Clarke turned away when she was paying too much attention to the way Lexa’s lips wrapped around the nozzle of her water bottle.

 

“Just because I don’t care for it doesn’t mean I don’t do it! I gotta keep these babies looking good,” she jokingly flexed her biceps which were masked by her particularly colorful Cotopaxi windbreaker. 

 

Lexa rolled her eyes and shoved her bottle back into her pack. “Ok, ok. Calm down, frat-bro. Don’t hurt yourself flexing for me and the goats.” Lexa motioned to the flock of mountain goats they had seen littering the side of the mountain a while ago.

 

Clarke allowed Lexa to lead the way again - her point had been made but also, the view from behind Lexa wasn’t so bad. 

 

You know exactly what I mean.

 

The brunette pulled up ahead of Clarke and disappeared around a large boulder. When Clarke got near, Lexa reappeared with an excited smile and a hand held out to her, “Are you ready?”

 

Clarke’s smile immediately matched the brunette’s. Sure, she was ready to see the view but seeing Lexa this excited was… enchanting. Clarke’s heart began to flutter until she finally nodded and took Lexa’s hand.

 

What she saw on the other side of the boulder brought tears to her eyes. The ocean extended in every direction until you saw it fade into the curve of the earth. In front of her she saw incredible snow capped mountains that looked like they would swallow the islands beneath them and behind her she could see a long mountain range that made up Unalaska Island - her new home.

 

“Just over that range is town and to the north,” Lexa motioned with her left hand, “is the bay where the cabin is.” 

 

Clarke turned to meet Lexa’s jade colored eyes, “This is… this is unimaginable.” She pressed both her palms to her thumping heart, “Thank you - truly - for taking me here.” Though the wind was drying them before they could fall, Lexa saw the tears pooling in Clarke’s eyes.

 

This was the second time today that Clarke’s open honesty caused Lexa’s breath to catch in her throat, “.........y-you’re very welcome, Clarke.” Lexa watched the doctor spin and look all around her as she took in everything about this place that made it so special to Lexa. Seeing someone else - seeing Clarke - enjoy it started a new beating in her heart that scared the shit out of her. “Um… d-do you want to sit for lunch? There’s a spot over there where the wind isn’t so strong.” 

 

Clarke reluctantly tore her eyes away from Lexa’s to see where her fingers were pointing but returned them to the brunette’s face as soon as she could. “Yeah. Yeah, that sounds good. I-um-I actually brought some things to do a little sketching so, if you don’t mind, can we hang out for a little bit…?”

 

“We can stay as long as you like…” Her words were spoken with more intimacy than she had intended to say aloud. A burst of emotion filled both of their chests and caused their cheeks to redden with its warmth. They both knew at this exact moment - there was no stopping these feelings they felt bubbling at the surface. 

 

“Clarke, we should ta-” Lexa started as she took a brazen step toward the doctor.

 

“Ready? I’m starving!” Clarke interrupted her before she could say another word.

 

Lexa’s chest tightened, fearing that she’d misread the situation entirely. “Oh, um - yeah… sure…” Though the right words never got a chance to come out of her mouth, Lexa felt embarrassed as if they had. 

 

_ You idiot!! _ Lexa continued to berate herself through her entire sandwich. She brooded while she chewed and chewed while she brooded. 

 

Both were utterly trapped in their own overwhelming thoughts. If it weren’t for the sound of the wind whipping around the hills or the faint caws of the gulls, they would be suffering through complete silence. Lexa craved another glimpse at Clarke’s sunkissed hair and the eyes that matched the ocean surrounding them but she felt like she wasn’t allowed to anymore. Clarke’s interjection felt like a clear line in the sand. Lexa had been shut down.  

 

Once Lexa heard Clarke unzip her bag and fiddle with a pencil, she felt it was as good an opportunity as any to pull out the book she brought with her. What Lexa hadn’t noticed was that Clarke’s eyes were unashamedly on her the entire time. Studying her lithe fingers, the angle of her jaw and the shadow cast beneath it, the curve of her pouting lips… 

 

Clarke was obviously struggling with her own feelings…  

 

_ I’m not ready for this! _

 

_ What even is THIS!? _

 

_ She’s so… she’s just so…. God! _

 

_ I guess I didn’t have to be so mean about it - just cutting her off like that…  _

 

_ I PANICKED - OK!?  _

 

_ fuck…….I have to fix this…... _

 

After reading the same paragraph seven times - because she kept thinking about Clarke, looking at Clarke, or thinking about what Clarke was thinking about - Lexa decided to let down her hair from her high bun in order to create a shield between herself and the doctor. 

 

_ Maybe I’ll forget she’s there… if I just can’t see her. _

 

Clarke immediately looked up at the brunette’s movement. Lexa’s hair was looked like pure silk as it softly swayed in the wind. Every natural curl caught the sun and made it appear lighter and softer. Clarke thought about what it’d be like to run her hands through it, what it smelled like, what it’d be like to grip it… Clarke shook her head to pull her eyes away while her hitched breath passed through her nose with a rush of frustration.

 

_ No, Clarke! No no no!  _

 

_ Those thoughts are definitely not allowed!!  _

 

_ She is a friend…. F-R-I-E-N-D _

 

_ A friend I wanna fu- _

 

_ NO! STOP IT! _

 

Clarke’s fingers gripped the pencil tighter, almost snapping it in half. She didn’t think twice about the portrait she absentmindedly delved into drawing. The image she was creating poured right out of her - as if she had drawn it a million times before. Clarke no longer had to peer at the brunette’s hands or the way they curled around the pages of her book or the way her soft hair caught the wind - it was all for memory. 

 

The avoiding silence had become nearly unbearable for Lexa. Perhaps if she had tried a little harder she could have prevented her soft green eyes from trailing all the way up Clarke’s legs to her burning azure eyes. A soft and endearing smile curled at the corner of Lexa’s lips when she noticed the crinkle between the Clarke’s tightly knit brows and the lip pinched between her teeth in complete concentration. 

 

Clarke realized something while she frantically drew Lexa’s portrait -  _ there’s something here. _ Clarke didn’t want to feel the pressure of recognizing or acknowledging what she couldn’t put into words, but she could no longer allow herself to do Lexa the disservice of pretending she wasn’t feeling this - whatever THIS was. 

 

After a few moments, Clarke’s cheeks began to warm as she sensed the brunette’s eyes upon her. Clarke quickly snapped her eyes upwards and caught Lexa’s adoring gaze.

 

_ Panic. Sheer panic. _ Lexa stood up as quickly as she could, knocking her book from her lap to the ground, “Ready to go?!” The flustered woman scrambled to pick up her book to then immediately begin packing her items into her bag - all the while avoiding Clarke’s gaze. Clarke couldn’t help but smile as she slowly stood and approached Lexa from behind. 

 

The blonde reached out to place a calming hand on Lexa’s shoulder JUST as the brunette spun around to fill the awkward silence with useless words about the weather. Unfortunately, Lexa swung her heavily packed bag around to land on her shoulder but the aluminium hiking sticks attached to the shide smacked Clarke right in the face.

 

“OH, SHIT! CLARKE! I’M SO SORRY!” 

 

Clarke reeled backwards and her hands immediately raised to cover the split in her brow. “Jesus Christ!” She grumbled as blood started trailing down her arm.

 

Lexa winced as she stood frozen, trying to make herself as small as possible. 

 

“M-my bag. I’ve got a first aid kit in there. Will you open it up and give me the gauze?”

 

“Oh yeah - of course!” Lexa ran to the bag and fidgeted and fumbled with the zippers, her hands were shaking.  _ Fuck fuck fucking fuck. I jump out of helicopters and I can’t open a fucking zipper!? _ Lexa finally found the kit and placed the gauze packaging between her teeth to rip it open, not trusting the grip of her shaking fingers. The doctor took the cotton cloth gently from Lexa’s hands, not at all phased or panicked by her bleeding brow. In fact, she felt worse for the brunette than she did from her injury.

 

“Uh-uhm-oh! Let me just…” Lexa comically ran back over to her pack and pulled out her water bottle. Clarke took a seat on the rock she’d been sitting on earlier and fixed her face with an amused smile. The brunette promptly returned with her bottle and began gently rinsing and rubbing the blood from Clarke’s own hands.  _ Something about this was giving Clarke a sense of deja vu… _

 

Clarke watched Lexa’s expression teeter somewhere between remorse and complete embarrassment. Once Clarke’s hands were clean, she placed an open palm to Lexa’s jaw, “Hey - hey, look at me… it’s ok. It was an accident… I’m ok.” Lexa’s eyes finally met Clarke’s and the blonde could see her jaw clench and unclench. Clarke offered her a reassuring smile, trying to assuage the brunette’s tense muscles, “Help me with the bandage?”

 

Clarke didn’t need help but she understood that Lexa was dealing with something and she wanted to do anything she could to take away those bad feelings from Lexa - either by making Lexa feel like she’s helped or by distracting her.

 

The doctor placed the kit on her own lap while Lexa continued to crouch in front of her. She handed the brunette the fresh package of gauze and a few strips of tape. “Now, dab any fresh blood away and slap this on over the cut and I should be all set.” Lexa silently nodded and placed the bandage on the cut. When it was over she immediately stood and began wringing her hands together; it looked like she was about to hyperventilate.

 

“Lex - what’s going on? Talk to me…” Clarke asked as softly as she could considering the wind was getting stronger as the sun was getting a little lower in the sky.

 

“I-I-” she bit her lip in frustration. “Costia and I got into an argument once. Sh-she got in my face and I kept telling her to step back. I begged her to let us talk about it later but she just kept yelling at me. Finally, I stuck out my hand just as she was charging at me again and my hand pressed against her throat. I- I wasn’t trying to hurt her! I swear! But,” Lexa took a deep breath. “She just looked at me like I had struck her. I f-felt like a monster! I swore I’d never lay a hand on her. It - I - I really scared her. And with this just now - I just - I wasn’t angry but - I didn’t like hurting you.”    
  
Lexa’s quaky breath slowly passed through her nostrils as her pacing came to a stop. Clarke battled with wanting to rage at a woman who was dead.  _ That was not Lexa’s fault! She told her to get out of her face multiple times and yet the woman persisted to verbally assault her - then she BLAMES her for physical assault?! BULLSHIT!  _

 

Clarke clenched her teeth, biting off her defensive words before they came out. Clarke slowly moved to stand in front of Lexa and she softly placed both her hands on Lexa’s cheeks. Something inside her told her this is how she had always held Lexa before - like slipping into a familiar pair of shoes. 

 

“Lex - first of all, both of these incidents were accidents. You didn’t know I was standing right behind you. Second of all, you weren’t angry with me, at least, I don’t think you were…” Lexa vigorously shook her head from side to side. “Right. And third of all, what Costia did was unfair. It-it’s not my place to say but, that’s - that’s just such -” Clarke’s brows knit together tightly, “it was bullshit!” 

 

Lexa’s eyes grew wide. 

 

Clarke stepped back, allowing her feelings of frustration to flow freely, “It’s true! She got in your face and you told her multiple times to back up and she refused and then she outrageously blamed you for trying to escape her assault? No. Absolutely not…….. You know - Lex - you just - you’re too good and you just -  _ you deserve better! _ ” 

 

Lexa’s eyes snapped to Clarke’s. A flame licked the inside of her skin and poured out of her eyes - those words - were like keys unlocking yet another door. 

 

The brunette swallowed the stone in her throat and breathed out, “ _......maybe we both do. _ ” 

After a few beats of silence, Clarke slowly let her hands drop from Lexa’s face. Though, she wasn’t quite ready to stop touching the brunette so she reached for both of her hands. They stood silently for several minutes and let the world tick away around them. 

 

“I -” Clarke sighed loudly and pressed her forehead to the brunette’s, “I do feel… this… this thing between us.” 

 

Lexa’s eyes fluttered closed and heart began racing.

 

The doctor continued, “It doesn’t feel like what my father described to me about… you know… the  _ L _ word. It feels like…”

 

“More,” Lexa finished for her.

 

\------ 

 

After some time, they separated. Lexa slowly slipped her bag over her shoulders while Clarke mockingly pretended to shield herself - they smiled brightly - somewhat from the teasing but mostly from the mutual elation of acknowledged feelings. Lexa was grateful it wasn’t one sided and Clarke was grateful that Lexa hadn’t put any pressure on her to talk about it or to be anymore intimate than just the gentle caress of Lexa’s thumb on the back of her palm.

 

It was easy, simple, gentle, soft, and perfect. No matter how many times they had to separate to slowly climb down the mountain, Lexa’s hand immediately sought the warmth of Clarke’s again.

 

They had finally arrived back to their vehicles and both hesitated. “You know - you could have a concussion,” Lexa admitted shakily.

 

“I could,” Clarke confirmed though she knew it was a lie.

 

“It would be unsafe for you to drive,” Lexa added simply like it was common knowledge.

 

“It would,” Clarke nodded and pursed her lips together.

 

“You should probably just ride with me,” Lexa swallowed.

 

“I should.” 

 

Lexa turned to shield herself from exposing the nervous blush in her cheeks. Lexa helped Clarke shed her backpack and tied them down on the back of the vehicle. Clarke just stood and watched with great care, still feeling the effects of the adrenaline from what transpired up on the mountain. The brunette offered her hand to the blonde and unnecessarily helped her up on to the ATV. As soon as Lexa settled down, Clarke’s arms wrapped around her waist.

 

It felt like a embrace she’d been waiting to give for a hundred years. 

 

“Ready?”

 

“Always.”


	6. A Shrike to Your Sharp and Glorious Thorn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for the lateness - I finally graduated college and that last months work of school obligations were beastly. I appreciate your patience.

The two rode down the mountain in complete silence. The methodic thrum of the engine allowed for their minds to finally take over the chaos their rampant hearts had stirred. Neither girl had any regrets over what transpired, certainly no regrets about riding down the mountain together, but there was an undeniable tightness in the pit of both their stomachs. 

 

Something felt ‘off’, like the world was spinning in the wrong direction. 

 

Lexa pulled the ATV straight into the garage and allowed a moment for Clarke to get off and stretch her legs. The silence between them wasn’t necessarily awkward but rather, one filled with apprehension and conflicted feelings.

 

“We need to -” 

“We should -” they both started.

 

After a pause, Clarke said with a hesitant smirk, “You should go first.”

 

“No, you. I insist.”

 

A whole new layer of panic enveloped every cell in Clarke’s body, “OK - well, umm - Actually, I haven’t articulated - inside my head - exactly what I want to say yet so, really, I need you to go first.” Clarke feared that what she had to say would come off more like a rejection than what it really was, which was… kind of… a rejection… sort of. 

 

Just as Lexa was about to concede and start speaking, Clarke cut her off, “This is insane, right? You have to agree that this is insane.” Her tone grew in exasperation but she did not wait for Lexa’s response. “This is too much, Lex. It is just so - and - I just,” Clarke began pacing back and forth while Lexa’s expression remained stoic as ever. “I don’t know what to do with all of it... I don’t know what to do with this amount of….”

 

“Feelings,” Lexa finished with a smug tilt to her head. 

 

Clarke shrugged and ran her fingers through her soft curls. She wished she were the type of person that could be whisked away by her emotions and who could fall in love with the prince or princess she dreamed of as a little girl. However, she quickly learned at a young age that fairytales do not exist and there is no prince or princess waiting for her in a castle.  

 

Strangely, everything she was feeling right now screamed otherwise and THAT is what was so unsettling to her.  _ We are complete strangers for Christ’s sake. This. Isn’t. Normal. _

 

“It’s just too much. I can’t DO this… with you… Not right now…..” Clarke took a deep, slow breath, “Not never, but just... not now.”    
  
Clarke slowly opened her eyes as she chewed on her lip, hoping she was explaining herself clearly, hoping she hadn’t scared Lexa off completely. She unflinchingly stared at those gorgeous jade eyes though they remained stuck on the cold cement floor beneath their boots. Clarke took a deep breath before adding, “I don’t think… I don’t think I want you to go away though. That’s…  not what I want.”

 

Lexa’s stern-thinking face softened and her throat bobbed, “It’s not what I want either - but I agree - we need some space to figure out this,” she motioned between them, “whatever THIS is.” 

 

Clarke dramatically blew out a relieved breath causing her bangs to flutter, while Lexa huffed a pitiful chuckle. 

 

With each silent breath, Clarke became more and more aware of the peaceful and faint chirp of seagulls and the waves crashing against the beach. This was a really beautiful place...   
  


“Court me.” 

 

Clarke’s blue eyes widened with shock, “Excuse me?”

 

Lexa’s chest bloomed with the hope of solving both their need for time and space but also, the insatiable yearning to be near one another, “Court me.”

 

“L-like in.. olden times?” Clarke’s face was wrought with both confusion and amusement. “You can’t possibly be serious…”

 

“I am. It would be like dating but we only see each other in very casual, group settings. We both get the time we need to adjust to whatever THIS is. Maybe it fades, maybe it doesn’t. It’s… casual-er than casual.” 

 

Clarke stares at her and chews on her lip while she mulls it over. “No sex.”

 

Lexa swallowed hard at the thought that TOTALLY never crossed her mind while riding down the mountain and Clarke was pressed against her back with her arms wrapped around her waist, “Agreed.”

 

Clarke was beginning to pace again. “No kissing.”

 

Lexa nods in agreement, “Just friends. Platonic friendship.”

 

Clarke was now wringing her fingers, “... and we can’t be in a room alone together.”

 

Lexa couldn’t prevent the smirk on her face, “Don’t trust yourself around me, Griff?”

 

“No flirting.” Clarke’s glare would have been pure ice had it not been for the slow, mirthy smirk that tucked itself in her cheek letting Lexa know she may not be entirely serious about this point. 

 

Lexa openly smiled back, “Yes, of course. Anything.”

 

… …  

 

“Maybe a little flirting.”

 

Lexa did not share Clarke’s resolve and smiled brightly. The blonde rolled her eyes and stuck out her hand, “Shake on it.” Just as Lexa grasped her hand, Clarke added, “But I also reserve the right to change the rules if, when, and where I want - with your consent, obviously.” 

 

“Of course, I appreciate that.” 

 

The two shook on it and immediately prepared to leave the homefront, like nothing at all had transpired atop that mountain. Clarke threw her gear into the boat and Lexa took the helm and navigated back to town. 

 

On the boat, they talked about a hypothetical timeline. They would get to know each other over the next few months and when they were ready, IF they were ready, to change their status, they would sit down and discuss it - just business.

 

They also agreed not to tell anyone about their “courtship” - a title that evoked an eye roll from Clarke which led Lexa to say it every chance she got. Ultimately, their relationship status was for them to navigate and them only - no pressure. If anyone inquired, they were just ‘really good buddies’. 

 

Their goodbye was even more awkward and strange. These new boundaries led them to stand 10 feet apart and wave at each other, Lexa going so far as to add a parting, “see ya later, buddy!” A bizarre and uncharacteristic comment she instantly regretted and would beat herself up over for years to come. 

 

It was painfully obvious they needed time to find a balance for what they wanted, what they needed, and what they could handle. 


	7. I Walk My Days On a Wire

It was now well into October.    
  
Following their hike up the mountain and their soft-agreement to “court” they hadn’t really had the opportunity to talk, let alone even see each other. October brought on round two of the year’s crab season which meant a lot of rescue calls for stalled boats and routine practices for major emergency calls. This also meant flu season and slippery conditions were upon them which brought in additional civilian and crew member bodies into Clarke’s clinic.

 

They weren’t intentionally ignoring each other, just conveniently so because of their busy schedules. They hadn’t gotten a chance to formally establish any boundaries beyond the “no telling anyone, no flirting, no kissing, no sex” - and it was working out for them - for now. 

 

For the last 17 hours, Lexa and Bell’s Kru had been trading shifts to search for a new greenhorn that went overboard. Clarke was amazed and completely taken back at how the entire town came together to help out. Even though it’s the Coast Guard out on the water leading the search and rescue, the community takes shifts bringing coffee and warm meals to the Kru’s to help keep them warm, awake, and strong. 

 

Clarke could have gone home a lot earlier and waited for her pager to go off with an update but she couldn’t bring herself to leave. Knowing the first rescue of the year was a young 19-year-old boy was threatening to revive emotions from her time in Syria. Knowing the community was outside in the freezing cold doing everything they could to support the Kru’s search made her feel like she needed to do everything she possibly could to be prepared to bring a kid back from the dead if she had to - at all costs. 

 

  
Clarke’s pager went off, causing her to jump from the hospital bed where she was just  _ resting her eyes. _ She’d already prepared the clinic for intake hours before - she had to keep herself busy, to keep herself from getting inside her own head too much. 

  
  
**PAGE READ:** **CODE BLUE HELIPAD 20**

  
  
Clarke rushed to the wall and slammed the button that paged Jackson and Miller. She then turned on her heel to grab her emergency kit and was out the door. They had 20 minutes to be ready to receive the individual in whatever condition he may be in. Clarke’s lungs burned as soon as she stepped out into the freezing air. It felt like icicles were forming on the walls of her lungs.

 

Commander Kane was inside the hangar with the team coordinating the Kru’s arrival. Bellamy was on the radio and Niylah was hovering over his shoulder pointing at his computer screen. The rest of WonKru were off to the side, still wearing their gear, ready a a moment’s notice to get back in the air if needed.    
  


 

The Commander broke the blonde’s distraction, “Captain Griffin,” it was the first time her rank had been revealed to the others and she felt several eyes stare momentarily in surprise. She had done her best to play down her experience in the Navy and hoped everyone would simply caller her Doc or Doctor Griffin - she wanted to avoid any questions but,  _ sigh _ , the cat is out of the bag now. Commander Kane continued, “The civilian’s got severe hypothermia. Possible concussion, accompanied with a laceration to his head and bruising on his right side.” 

 

She remembered from the initial report that the captain of the vessel said the waves were choppy and the boy had been knocked overboard by the gear - _ it is likely that he has internal bleeding from cracked ribs.  _

  
  
“Yes, sir. The clinic is ready for intake and Miller and Jackson have been notified to wait for my arrival for to assist.” 

 

“Good deal - I’m glad you are with us.” He nodded and turned back to the command center. Eyes were still on her, particularly Niylah’s.  _ Shit _ . 

 

*krrrsh* Octavia’s voice came over the radio, “ATTENTION EAGLE BASE. PLEASE NOTIFY MED TEAM THAT THE CIVILIAN HAS LOST CONSCIOUSNESS. LT. COMMANDER IS PERFORMING CPR. OVER.”

 

Clarke’s entire body went rigid. 

 

*krrsh* “COPY THAT TRIKRU. WHAT IS YOUR 10-77?”

 

*krrsh* “WE ARE 8 MINUTES OUT.”

 

Clarke ran to the radio and grabbed it from Bellamy’s hand, “Lieutenant!!! Stop performing CPR immediately!”

 

*krrsh* “WHY?” Lexa’s voice was panicked and out of breath. 

 

*krrsh* “The bruising on his side - does it look centralized over his liver or his kidney?”

 

Clarke’s heart was beating out of her chest waiting for the answer… 

 

*krrsh* “It’s centralized over the liver.”

 

“Fuck.” *krrsh* “DO NOT - I REPEAT - DO NOT PERFORM CPR. A BROKEN RIB MIGHT’VE PUNCTURED HIS LIVER. If you have it, give him 500 mg of tranexamic acid intravenously to help his blood clot. And - get here fast if you can.” 

 

Everything was a blur after that. She remembered Lexa jumping off the helicopter and pulling the gurney out with her team racing behind. She knows someone must have jumped in the van to drive to the clinic only because she was in the back providing triage. 

 

She made the right call. The 6 hour laparotomy uncovered the puncture, which Clarke was able to temporarily fix. When the patient was stable and being loaded onto a helicopter to be taken to Anchorage for further care, she collapsed in her office chair. Her muscles were tired but adrenaline was coursing through her veins. He was going to live. 

 

Clarke used to love surgery, she loved the adrenaline and the pressure and the elation she felt afterwards. But now… it was different. This kid was a local - if she had failed, if she hadn’t been able to… Green eyes filled her vision. Lexa was there, squatting in front of her, and rubbing her hands together.    
  
“Clarke - can you hear me? You are having a panic attack.”    
  
The blonde could only blink, hardly able to focus on the brunette’s face.    
  
“Take long, deep breaths. Come on. In……………. Out………… In………… that’s good. Now out. Good.” Lexa’s hands had migrated upwards to begin rubbing her shoulders. It wasn’t a calming or soft rub but more like a rub you give a dying animal to warm it up or shake it back to life. 

 

Clarke took a final slow breath, “I-I’m good. Thank you.” Her hands were planted firmly on her knees as she leaned forward, trying to catch her breath after feeling like she just ran a marathon.

 

Lexa stood and stepped back to give her some space. “You wanna talk about it?”

 

A screeching “NO!” threatened to burst from behind her lips but - she made a promise to be honest with Lexa - and more importantly, with herself. “Um - I don’t - I just,” she sighed, “I want to talk about it but not right now. Right now I want a beer.”   
  


Lexa smirked, “Everyone is at Anya’s already. Would you like some company?”   
  


Clarke’s crystal blue eyes looked up earnestly, “Y-yeah, I’d really like that.”   
  


\----

 

The ten minute walk to Anya’s was mostly silent at first, neither mentioning the panic attack or its source. It was just peaceful.    
  
“You did a good job today - making that call about the kid’s liver.”

 

Clarke chuckled bitterly and didn’t look up from where she was placing her feet delicately in the snow. “Just doing my job.” 

 

“Clarke, I-” 

 

Clarke stopped still in her tracks and took a deep breath, “I have made lots and lots of good calls in my career but once you make a few bad ones, it is hard to forget those, even on the good days. Being congratulated feels so… it….” Clarke’s breath shot through her nostrils.  

 

Lexa looked at her, not with pity, but with recognition, “It wasn’t supposed to be Costia.” Clarke’s piercing gaze finally met Lexa’s ghostly daze, “She wasn’t supposed to… that day… but they were short. It was my call. It was my decision that killed her. So I get it - the wins never really feel like wins when you’ve lost so much.”    
  
A silence flowed between them until Clarke couldn’t bare it anymore, “God. We are such basketcases.” Lexa couldn’t stop the laugh that erupted from her throat as she lifted the backs of her hands to wipe her tears.  _ God. That laugh _ . 

 

“You know, talking about it… it feels… it feels like…”

 

Clarke interrupted, “It feels like we might be OK.”

 

Green and blue eyes darted between each other in recognition. There were no smiles, no mirthy looks of desire - they just opened up their pain and let the other look right in. 

 

“HEY! ARE Y’ALL COMING IN OR WHAT!? IT IS FREEZING OUTSIDE!” Miller called out to them. 

 

Lexa nodded to the door, leaving a bewildered Clarke a few steps behind.    
  


**\-----**

 

When she and Lexa came in, they were met with cheers of congratulations from fellow crew members; Lexa, for leading the successful mission, and Clarke, for saving the civilians life - they got word from Anchorage that he was out of surgery and would make a full recovery. 

 

The cheers were like needles inside both of their ears. Clarke’s was slightly worse because the rumor mill had already started - everyone knew that she outranked Commander Kane. Clarke would argue her rank wasn’t necessarily due to any significant merit as she would vehemently deny she was as decorated as she was. Instead, she believed her rank was simply because of her education - nothing else. When she left the Navy, she wasn’t demoted, cursed to keep her title, a reminder of an undeserved nobility within the ranks. For this reason, she begged Commander Kane not to mention it to the crew and he agreed to allow her to wear scrubs and a doctor’s coat and not her formal attire. His mistake earlier was purely that, a mistake, because he didn’t even notice he had done it.  When people in the bar were whispering  _ Captain Clarke - did you know? Yeah, Commander said it early. Why doesn’t she want people to know?  _ It felt like razor blades on her skin.

 

Lexa made no move to acknowledge the whispers, maybe she didn’t hear. Despite the fanfare around them, Clarke and Lexa both managed to slap smiles onto their faces but their friends could identify their discomfort so Anya successfully distracted the crowd, “A round on the house!”    
  
Clarke was beyond exhausted but beer number four finally loosened up her nerves enough that she felt like she could go to sleep soon.  _ After this game _ , she thought to herself as she leaned over the pool table and made an incredible shot. 

 

“I feel like you led me on, Doctor,” Niylah spoke as she circled behind Clarke. The way she said it, it dripped with seduction and passion.

 

Clarke swallowed thickly and avoided the eye contact Niylah was clearly looking for, “Yes, well, um, my dad taught me.”  _ Fuck - I missed. _

 

Niylah smiled as she slowly circled around and bent over the table, knowing her next words would cause Clarke to look at her and spot her ample cleavage, “Maybe I can come around some time and you can give me a private lesson.” 

 

_ Wow. OK. Boobs _ . Clarke’s eyes immediately spun around to the beer on the table and she took a long gulp of it.   
  
“Hey! That’s mine! Get your own!”

 

“Oh…. I’m sorry, Ray…. I didn’t…” before Clarke could finish her sentence, Niylah was standing only a few inches away. The taller woman’s chest almost pressing against her own. “I’m not -” Clarke’s eyes danced around to avoid Niylah’s and over the woman’s left shoulder, she spotted Lexa’s blank stare. It’s emptiness revealed more emotion than Clarke was sure Lexa intended it to. “I’m sorry, Niylah. You are very nice and very…. forward… but I’m not interested.” Clarke squirmed out from between the table and the taller woman’s body.

 

“...Oh... I was told you were single. I’m sorry if -” The woman was obviously embarrassed.

 

“No, no, no. I am single, I’m just not - ready - or looking - for a relationship right now.”

 

Niylah smiled, “Well, I could do something a LOT more casual if that’s what you’d prefer.”    
  
_ Oh - that’s - wow _ . Niylah and her long legs were undeniably attractive, but Clarke’s mind went to Lexa and their ‘rules’.  _ I wonder if casual sex is part of the ‘courting’ deal?  _ After Finn, that’s what she’d always done. She’d take someone to bed to fulfill her needs and then kick them out in the morning.  _ That probably wasn’t the healthiest behavior I’ve ever engaged in… Lexa’s gone _ . Clarke’s eyes spun around but the brunette had disappeared.  _ Shit. _

 

“Um - no thank you, Niylah. I’ve gotta run. I’ll see ya around.”   
  
Clarke grabbed her coat and ran outside but she couldn’t find Lexa. It was snowing harder now than it had been earlier so there were no footprints to follow.  _ FUCK!  _ After looking around for 10 minutes, she came back to the bar, deafted, and went upstairs to bed. 

 

Clarke undressed and slipped into her college sweatshirt and a pair of baggy sweatpants and piled her hair on top of her head. She went to the kitchen, slammed a glass of orange juice back like it was tequila, and plopped down onto the couch. 

 

“OW!” 

 

Clarke jumped up and screamed, “WHAT THE FUCK!” She swung her arm around and clocked the intruder right in the nose.

 

“FUCK! CLARKE! GOD DAMN IT!” The intruder bent over clutching at their nose.

 

“Lexa!? What are you doing in my apartment!?” Clarke exclaimed, still posed like she’s going to Jiu Jitsu Lexa to death.

 

Lexa slowly sat back down on the couch, clutching at her nose. She slowly opened her eyes and removed her hands and blood began gushing out. 

 

“Oh shit!” Clarke jumped across the room to the bathroom and grabbed a few packages of gauze. She tore them open with her teeth, folded them in half, and motioned for Lexa to lean her head forward and pinch the gauze to her nose. “Lex, I’m so sorry. I thought -”

 

“Anya didn’t tell you I stay here when the weather is too bad to get back home - did she?” Lexa questioned in a funny voice Clarke was doing her best not to smile at.

 

“Uh - yeah - no - she did NOT mention that and neither did you for that matter…” Clarke raised an incredulous eyebrow. 

  
Lexa started to take the gauze away but Clarke pressed her right palm to the back of the brunette’s neck and placed her left hand over Lexa’s to hold it and the bloodied cloth in place. “No, no, not yet,” she cooed in almost a whisper. 

 

Lexa continued, trying to ignore the tingling radiating down her spine from Clarke’s warm hand on her neck. “Um - no - when the conditions are bad, like tonight, or when the ocean freezes too close to shore, I stay here on the couch.”

 

Clarke lets that sink in a little before her brow furrows, “So… you could be here for… most of winter…. us… living under the same roof…”   
  
Lexa’s eyes widened with recognition, “..... I guess…. I didn’t really think about… that…”

 

Clarke scoffed and stood up and began pacing back and forth in front of the television. “We need to set ground rules for when you are here… and when you’re not here. I need specific parameters. I need to know what we can and cannot do, can and cannot say,” she was shorting out and she knew why but she was afraid to ask. “Why did you leave the bar earlier?”

 

Lexa looked miserable, bloody gauze pressed to her nose, a frantic blonde pacing in front of her - it was not her ideal Friday night. “I was tired… been a long 36 hours.”

 

Clarke stopped and stared, “Be honest. We have a rule.”

 

Lexa grunted, “Fine. I didn’t like watching Niylah flirt. She’s so aggressive and all over everyone and she’s pushy and I hate that. It’s not respectful…”

 

Clarke didn’t break into the smile behind her lips, “Be. Honest.”

 

“FINE! I didn’t like watching her flirt with you. We don’t have any… I hate calling them rules… but we don’t have an… understanding… about  _ fulfilling _ our needs during our courtship _. _ It’s not my place to tell you what you can and cannot do and with whom because… this is less than casual so….  I just got frustrated with myself for feeling…”  _ Jealous. _ Lexa gulped around the unspoken hard truth.

 

“I said no.” Lexa’s eyes lept to Clarke’s. “I told Niylah no. Not because of what we are or are not but because I’m not interested… I don’t know when I’ll be ready to have casual or not-casual sex with anyone, but when I am ready, I’ll talk to you first and if we aren’t… you know… on the same page of readiness… then we can talk about fulfilling our needs elsewhere… Is that ok?”

 

It was more than OK. Lexa nodded. 

 

“I think - with you indefinitely staying here over Winter, the whole  _ no being in the same room alone _ rule might be unrealistic. We will need to learn how to be together without… being together.”

 

“We are doing it right now without a problem,” Lexa’s face went back to the ever stoic commander facade.

  
Clarke stood from the couch to go to her room, “I think you are grossly overestimating your willpower considering we will be living together in the next two months… and I like to walk around the apartment in my underwear so...” It was unnecessary to tease Lexa but this dependable and staunch exterior made her such a fun and easy target.    
  
Lexa swallowed the rock in her throat. “Rules. Tomorrow. Over breakfast.”


	8. Feeling More Human

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A small update

*knock knock*

 

Silence permeated the air. Lexa raised her hand again and knocked with her fist, “Hey! Wake up. You said okay to talking over breakfast and I’ve gotta be at work in a few hours.” She pressed her ear to the door and heard comical mumbles and grumbles until finally the door swung open.

 

“FINE!” Tendrils of Clarke’s thin, golden hair were splayed out in various directions. It was a mess but a cute mess. She was clearly a very active sleeper and was kind enough to put pants on when she left her room.

 

Lexa smiled and sat against the back of the couch and folded her arms, “I’ll just wait right here since I’m fully dressed and have been ready to go for the last hour.”

 

Clarke rolled her eyes in the bathroom mirror, crudely mimicking Lexa’s words, while sticking her hand out around the corner to flip Lexa off.

 

15 minutes later, Clarke was finally dressed to go out for breakfast. Lexa said the diner they were going to was run by a family who were descendants of original Alutiiq tribal members. Lexa and Anya grew up with the family and went to school with their daughter, Luna. Clarke nodded in recognition, remembering Luna from the bar and from the night in the hanger during the rescue. 

  
It was a nice little diner but the food was incredible - Clarke was instructed to never tell that to Anya. As they sat there, Lexa talked about growing up in the area and who she knew in town, who she went to school with, and how most of the kids she knew moved away by now. They easily spent the entire meal getting to know each other a little more, completely forgetting the purpose was to have a serious conversation about boundaries.   
  
Their plates were taken away and silence began to permeate between them. Lexa wasn’t quite sure how to start the conversation so she bought herself some time and looked out the window over her shoulder. Clarke took the quiet moment to really, truly look at Lexa. Her fingers were slender and long as they wrapped around a coffee mug for warmth. Her shoulders were broad and strong, almost assertive in nature - as if all she had to do was stand up straight and you would instantly know you were in big trouble. Lexa had a sharp jaw that made her look stern and commanding, but her high cheekbones, full cheeks, and her gentle, almond shaped eyes softened her face. 

 

She was gorgeous. The most gorgeous woman Clarke had ever seen. Nerves riddled her body at the thought of ever having the chance to hold something so strong and so beautiful in her hands. 

 

*ahem*

 

“You’re gorgeous…” Clarke admitted lazily like she was under some sort of spell.

 

Lexa’s brows shot up, “Excuse me?”

 

Panic. Sheer, white-hot panic, “Um. No. I meant…”

 

Lexa was blushing but the dimple in her right cheek revealed her hardly managed grin. “Look - I think flirting is going to happen whether we intend it to or not, Clarke. I mean, after what happened up on the… well, you were there… I’m - I -” she swallowed the nerves, “I want you but I’m not ready to have you - does that make sense? Pretending like we aren’t going to flirt or come close to breaking rules is asinine and impractical because I find you very attractive.” Lexa adjusted her shoulders to be a bit straighter. 

 

Clarke was still so embarrassed from her accidental admission but Lexa was right. No amount of rules was going to eradicate their sexual tension and attraction to one another. “100%. Yup. Agreed.” 

 

“So… the no flirting rule needs to go out the window. Though, moving forward, I think we can help hold each other accountable and communicate if any boundaries get crossed along the way ‘cause I’m sure there will be  _ many _ times that we are going to want to feel more of… each other.”   
  
If Clarke wasn’t sitting down, she’s sure her knees would buckle.

 

“As for the no kissing rule - I’m actually ambivalent,” Lexa added, still unable to let loose of the tension she’s got coiled in the pit of her stomach.

 

Clarke’s eyes shot up in surprise.

 

_ Let it go, Lex. Tell her what you want. It’s that simple… _ “I want to be on the same page about this but - the whole purpose of us  _ courting _ is for us to test the waters and to find out if we are ready for another relationship in our lives and if we even want to be in one with each other, right? We have to account for SOME shared intimacies as our friendship… develops.” Lexa’s words were so matter of fact, almost like she had gotten little sleep and stayed up all night thinking about it - which is exactly how she spent her night. 

 

“What are you thinking?” Lexa finally added cautiously. 

 

“I… I agree with you actually… about the kissing. We can, we just can’t let it escalate because I’m not ready but I’ll need your help because I’m going to have a hard time… not escalating… with you...” She swallowed thickly.

 

Lexa nodded and let her eyes fall to the table for a moment, “Cause I’m so gorgeous?” she asked smugly.

 

“Fuck off,” a brilliant smile spread across Clarke’s face - she was enchanting.

 

They both went back to picking at the rest of the food on their plates but once the waitress swung back around, Lexa finally broke the tension, “Well, I think that was all we needed to clarify…”

 

“I won’t be intimate with anyone else while we are courting,” Clarke blurted out while looking out the window.

 

A full smile spread across Lexa’s face before she could rangle it back in, “Me either.”

 

“OK. Good.”

 

“Good.”

 

They sipped their coffee in silence and eventually began talking about childhoods again, including stories about scars and broken bones they got climbing trees and jumping off beds. They talked about school, about how Lexa’s aspiration was always to help people and the Coast Guard was it for her since she was seven. Clarke uncharacteristically talked about her father, about how he was in the Navy, about how he died… 

 

“Was being a doctor in the Navy what you always wanted or... ?” Lexa asked.

 

Clarke shrugged so heavily, it was like her entire body deflated, “I was always SO close to my dad but the thought of joining Navy only occured to me after he passed because I wanted to be closer to him in some way or another. I think I chose medicine because I thought it would give me and my mother something in common but… that didn’t really work...”

 

“What did you want to do? Like in high school, before things…”

 

“Went to shit?” Clarke interrupted bitterly but Lexa still offered her a soft smile. “I wanted to paint.”

 

Lexa’s head tilted to the side, “I feel like I would have guessed that, even without the repressive happiness and tortured soul thing you’ve got going.”

 

It was true but Clarke barked with laughter. “I wasn’t always like this…” 

 

“When did things change for you? Was it your father’s passing?” 

 

“Um…” Clarke’s jaw began clenching and unclenching.

 

“Listen - Clarke - we don’t have to-”

 

“No, no, I want to. I want you to know why I am the way I am about getting close to… people…. Because I do… I do want to be close to you.” The blonde’s eyebrows cinched together, “I was supposed to go fishing with my father the day he died but I went out with my friends the night before and got really drunk. He had a heart attack and they found him in his skiff with just enough water to drown once he collapsed. It wasn’t the heart attack that killed him, it was him being alone out there.”

 

Clarke couldn’t bear the look of sympathy in Lexa’s eyes so she turned and looked at the blanket of snow outside.

 

“I spent two years traveling; I had a LOT of sex and did a LOT of drugs and drinking. I was torturing myself - punishing myself for not being there. I woke up one day, had no idea where I was and who was next to me, and - and I had just enough. I thought rather than trying to slowly kill myself, I can redeem myself on some sort of holy crusade - so I joined the Navy and went to med school. I was good at it. I was damn good at it.” Clarke smiled through her vacant stare, “Then I met Finn. He was stationed in Syria with me for my first tour. He spent nearly a year and a half trying to get me to go out with him. Just - relentless,” she chuckled and looked down at the napkin that was balled up in her fist. 

 

“How long were you together?” Lexa asked, trying to urge Clarke forward.

 

“Two years. We both agreed to do a second tour but that it would be our last - so we could... get married - have a  _ real _ life.” She chuckled bitterly. “Things had gotten worse over there. I don’t know if you were keeping up with the news.” Lexa nodded. “We were getting a lot more civilian casualties in and some of them were because of us - because of our bombs.” Clarke paused to try and rangle in her emotions.   
  
“Sickness was spreading like wildfire and it was just impossible to stay on top of it. We lost SO many.” Clarke closed her eyes and tears streamed down the sides of her cheeks. “I was exhausted but I just couldn’t stop working, if I stopped working, it’d be one less pair of hands helping out, you know? Then Finn got called out on a routine patrol and I was supposed to go with them but they needed me in the hospital…”

 

Lexa stayed quiet - her mind was reeling with what to give Clarke; a hug, space, a hand to hold, a smile, words of reassurance? Nothing felt right, nothing felt like what Clarke needed. What she didn’t know is that she was already doing exactly what Clarke needed - someone to just be still and listen.

 

“Their helicopter was shot down. A rescue team was sent in but they wouldn’t let me go with. I was so tired from helping everyone else that I couldn’t help him - he was fucking out there and there was nothing I could do to help him.” Clarke blew out a deep breath and closed her eyes, “It didn’t matter… everyone that came back was in a body bag…”

 

They sat in silence for a few moments, Clarke barely lifted her eyes enough to notice the look of sympathy was gone from Lexa’s. “Clarke, their deaths are not your fault…”

 

The blonde bit back, like she was waiting for Lexa to say the words, “I chose to be with my friends instead of fishing with my dad and he died. I chose to exhaust myself taking care of everyone else that I couldn’t take care of my own team, my own fiance,” Clarke bit out.

 

“That doesn’t mean you caused your father’s heart attack or that you cause the water to be choppy that day or that you caused the helicopter to be shot down. You were doing your job.” Clarke’s jaw clenched, like Lexa’s words were grating against her. The brunette slowly reached out and took Clarke’s hand, “I may not know Jake or Finn, but I know they loved you and they wouldn’t have wanted you to be there to watch them pass on… they certainly wouldn’t want you to blame yourself.”

 

Lexa was right. God damn it, Lexa was right. Clarke sighed and slowly turned her head to face Lexa. They just sat there and stared into each other’s eyes - revelling in a moment of complete vulnerability and the sensation of feeling “seen” for the first time in a while. Clarke was overwhelmed but she felt like a very important step had been taken. She lifted Lexa’s comforting hand to press her lips to the brunette’s palm and whispered, “Thank you.”

 

The brunette felt like the skin of her hand was on fire, especially when Clarke entangled their fingers. Another broken and exhausted sigh came from Clarke, “I feel like I’ve just been… surviving… for so long.”

 

Lexa’s eyes dropped because Clarke’s words struck a chord with her. She, too, had only been surviving since Costia and maybe it was time to move on.  _ The dead are gone. _ “Maybe… life should be about more than just surviving.”

 

Their eyes met with electricity once again.    
  
“I think you might be right,” Clarke managed a sweet, encouraging smile as she gave Lexa’s hand one more squeeze before letting it go.    
  
\--------  **THREE DAYS LATER** **  
  
**

**(Lexa) 9:57PM**   
Hey, the weather has calmed down so I can get back home. I won’t need to stay on your couch again. 

 

**(Clarke) 9:59PM**   
Oh.    
Well. I was going to see if you wanted to have a beer and watch a movie.

 

**(Lexa) 9:59PM**   
That actually sounds pretty great - I get off in an hour. Is that too late?

 

**(Clarke) 10:00PM**   
Nope! Just come on up when you get here.

 

**(Lexa) 10:02PM**   
Back door?

 

**(Clarke) 10:02PM**   
Yeah - everyone is still up it sounds like.

 

Unbeknownst to Lexa and Clarke, their friends were beginning to have suspicions about their relationship. They weren’t overly affectionate in public but a few times Anya thought she’d heard Lexa coming in through the kitchen and going upstairs. Of course Lexa had to stay in the loft during winter but the roads had been cleared for almost two days. 

 

Still - Clarke and Lexa wanted their relationship to feel like it was completely at their own pace, with no added influence or opinions. Their friends understood that without having to be asked, but it didn’t stop them from chatting about it behind their backs though. 

 

“I’m pretty sure Lexa is still staying with Clarke…”

 

“Babe,” Anya chided. 

 

“What?! I came in to start a cup of coffee but the pot was already made and Lexa was sitting at the bar, fully dressed, at 5AM.”

 

“That doesn’t mean anything!” Anya rolled her eyes as she slid another beer towards Lincoln who just kept smiling throughout the conversation.

 

Octavia’s eyebrows furrowed, “But Lexa doesn’t drink coffee…”

 

“But Clarke does,” Raven pointed to her nose, “I smell love in the air.”

 

Everyone laughed aloud, even Anya, though she slipped in an eye roll so no one thought she was too soft. Anya was happy for Lexa. The girl has smiled more since Clarke had been here than she ever had after Costia. But she would always be Lex’s older sister and she worried about Lexa getting hurt. 

 

\-----

Lexa lightly knocked on Clarke’s door and it swung open immediately, “HI!” Clarke was a little out of breath and her hair was slightly frizzy. 

 

“Were you not expecting me?” Lexa whispered because Clarke was blocking the doorway and she was worried her voice would carry down into the bar.   
  
“What? No. Wait. Yes. Of course I was, I invited you here. I just… got sidetracked” 

 

Lexa smiled at the strange blonde, “Were you…?”

 

“WHAT!? NO! I was cleaning!” 

 

Lexa couldn’t hold back the laugh, “How dirty can this apartment get? I’ve only not been here in 13 hours…” 

 

Clarke’s face was bright red. She wasn’t cleaning for shit. She’d fallen asleep waiting for Lexa to get off work and ended up having ANOTHER sex dream about the brunette. In the dream, Lexa had -  _ NO! Do not think about that while she’s in the room! _

 

“Um. Have a seat. Beer? I’ll get us some beers.”

 

Clarke rushed away before Lexa could even respond. The brunette shrugged off her coat and layed it across the coat hanger/dining room table by the door and kicked off her boots. “What movie were you wanting to watch?”

 

“Oh. Right. They just put up the next Avengers movie on Netflix so I thought we could watch that one,” she suggested as she pried the caps off the bottles.

 

“That sounds good. Should I have watched the other one first to get this one?” Lexa asked innocently as she sunk into the couch cushions. 

 

The bottles nearly slipped from her hands, “I’m sorry. What? You’ve never seen the Avengers? How is that POSSIBLE?!”

 

“I guess I just never really had the time?”

 

“Have you seen any of the Marvel movies then?” Clarke asked as she handed Lexa her beer and settled in next to the brunette - their knees gently resting against each other. 

 

“Um…”

 

“DO YOU EVEN LIKE MOVIES!?” Clarke nearly squealed.

 

“I DO! I promise I do!” the brunette couldn’t help but laugh. “I just - I guess I’ve just been a bit of a recluse. If I wasn’t at work, I was working on the house - kind of thing.”

 

Clarke sighed at the way Lexa said it - like she felt guilty for not seeing these silly movies. The blonde placed her hand on the top of Lexa’s thigh for the briefest moment, like she did it boldly but then thought better of it - or maybe she did it absentmindedly, “Then allow me the honor of introducing you to them… chronologically of course.”

 

Lexa looked at the blonde with confusion, struggling not to miss the intimacy of Clarke’s hand on her body, “How many could there possibly be?”

 

Clarke grabbed the television remote and began searching for Captain America: The First Avenger, “I don’t know - like 20?”

 

“WHAT!?” Clarke watched as Lexa almost spat out her beer and wrangled with this incredible urge to kiss the brunette right on the lips and never stop. 

 

*ahem* 

 

“Yep. There’s lots. You’ll love them. Especially Captain America,” Clarke looked at Lexa again and pretended to assess the brunette up and down. “Yeah, you’re Cap.”

 

“Should I be insulted?” Lexa laughed.

 

Clarke turned her head to the brunette and gave her the softest and most heartfelt look yet, “No…… he’s just my favorite.” Lexa’s heart felt like there was a fist around it, preventing it from beating right out of her chest.

 

Clarke silently got up and popped a bag of popcorn for the two to share but rather than putting the bowl between them, she kept the bowl in her lap and instead placed her palm on the top of Lexa’s thigh once again. It was a small intimacy for some but for them, it was a big step and one Lexa didn’t want Clarke to take alone.

  
She reached down and entwined their fingers.    
  



	9. Derail the Mind of Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank you ALL for your lovely comments. I am so bad about responding because I feel like I should be able to say more than just a simple 'thank you'. They mean the world to me and are entirely encouraging.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRAUMA WARNING (for specifics/spoilers, see end notes first)

When Lexa awoke it was 6:00AM and she was laid out on the couch with her head on one armrest and Clarke’s head on the other. Their legs were entangled every-which-a-way between them with a blanket haphazardly thrown over for warmth - she’s not sure when the blanket was wrapped over her shoulders but she knows Clarke must’ve done it.     
  
Lexa knew she needed to be at the base in 45 minutes but she stayed still a moment longer to watch the blonde sleep across from her. She stared at the rounded tip of Clarke’s nose, her long eyelashes, the way her lips curved into the perfect cupid’s bow, and the silent, sleepy crinkle between her eyebrows. She was so beautiful, outgoing, and  _ oh GOD _ she was do damn witty.     
  
Lexa smiled thinking back to their evening together and how simple and easy it was to be around Clarke. A pang of emotion coursed straight to her heart when she realized how good it felt to have someone to come home to, to chill and watch movies with… she missed this. She missed having a person - even if that person was just a friend. 

 

Lexa slowly untangled herself from Clarke, trying not to wake her. She reached for her backpack after slipping on her boots and snuck out of the apartment. She knew all of the right steps to avoid the stairs squeaking and made it halfway across the bar before Raven’s voice startled her, “COFFEE?” 

 

“OH SHIT!” Lexa almost slipped when she landed after jumping out of her skin. “You scared the fuck out of me,” she clutched her chest and admonished her sister-in-law. Both Raven and Anya dawned two very smug smiles when Lexa turned to face them. The brunette was met with an offering of a hot cup of coffee which she took gratefully and shyly. 

 

“You sleep okay?” Anya questioned teasingly. 

 

“Oh………… oh yeah. The best. All night. Super quiet. Undisturbed. Woke up super early and came all the way here… before work.” 

 

Raven squinted her eyes, “How was the movie?”

 

Lexa knew she was caught. She knew they knew she didn’t need to stay with Clarke. “...it was good. Never seen it before,” she meekly looked at them over the mug of coffee she brought to her lips.

 

To Lexa’s surprise, Raven spun back around to finish eating breakfast and Anya got up to clear her own plate. “It’s a good one. I’m surprised you’ve never seen it.” Raven offhandedly added with a mouthful of eggs, “Hey, hold up and I’ll walk with you to work.” She hopped off the stool and made her way around the bar to give Anya a hug and a kiss.    
  
When she turned to leave Anya swatted her ass, “You two come back safely to me, OK? Tonight’s chili night and I’m going to need all the help I can get.” The two brunettes smiled and nodded before heading out into the cooling fall weather. 

 

\-----

 

As the temperatures continued to drop, there was a spike in flu cases and a couple of incidents involving fractures due to falls on the ice. For the most part, these were minor affairs. They had one more rescue - it wasn’t as nerve wracking as the first but she was not at the hospital when the patient came in. Jackson and Miller did a fine job in stabilizing the patient but she hated that she was not immediately there. She had been with Lexa.    
  
Because of it, Clarke never left the hospital, often electing to sleep there overnight and eating food from the mess. This had gone on for about two and a half weeks and everyone was beginning to notice her absence, especially Lexa.

 

*knock knock*

 

“Are you busy?”

 

“Oh… oh, hey, Lex. I was just um - I was just doing some charting and stuff for the um-” She motioned to the two occupied rooms down the hall. 

 

Their clinic has rooms for incidents that required overnight observation but it meant they needed 24/7 staffing when it was occupied. Miller and Jackson were fine to handle the long hours, as it was only temporary, but Clarke easily offered to pick up most of the needed hours. She wasn’t afraid to change bandages and empty bedpans like other doctors. It was expected of her in Syria so she didn’t know any other way to be. 

 

Lexa smiled down at the drawing pad that Clarke had concealed in her lap once she had walked through the door but was kind enough not to mention it. “I - um - I haven’t seen you in a while. I wanted to come check on you and see how you were doing?”

 

Clarke seemed jittery - almost nervous.  _ Does she not want me here? _

 

“Oh - that is - um - very nice of you. Very sweet actually,” Clarke finally met Lexa’s eyes and smirked.

 

“Are you - OK?” Lexa questioned.

 

Clarke sighed exasperatedly and took a moment, “I really enjoyed the other night. I think - I think I got in my head about it too much and I let it scare me because of… because of how much I enjoyed it.”

 

Lexa set her stuff down by the door and invited herself to sit on the examination bed across from Clarke’s stool, “Why do you think it scared you?” 

 

Clarke thought for a moment, “Maybe because… I’m afraid to get used to it… maybe I’m afraid of wanting something for myself.” 

 

Lexa chewed on her lip and looked up at the ceiling like she was thinking hard about her response but Clarke knew she was being overdramatic on purpose to get a smile out of her - it begrudgingly worked. 

 

“Well Clarke, in my professional opinion as a person who ALSO  _ really _ enjoyed the other night - I completely understand those feelings. I, too, have fears of having something for myself and getting used to relying on that good feeling and then having it be taken away for a few weeks at a time without a word.” She looked around the room aimlessly before letting her pointed gaze fall on the blonde’s blue eyes. 

 

* _ OUCH _ * Clarke got the hint. “That is a very - very - um - good point.” Clarke pulled her lips into her mouth to avoid the embarrassed smile that was threatening to spread across her face. “I am sorry, though, for disappearing. It’s hard to…” 

 

“You don’t have to apologize or explain yourself to me - of all people - I understand more than anyone. For me, it felt good having someone to come home to. I forgot how much I missed that. I forgot how much I missed having a companion to watch movies with, to hold hands with, to laugh with. But… if you keep pushing me away, you’ll always be afraid of wanting something for yourself all the while having nothing.” 

 

It was a brutal truth. One Lexa needed to say aloud for herself and one Clarke needed to hear.

 

“You’re right,” Clarke took a deep breath and finally managed to look at Lexa. The brunette’s expression was one of compassion and understanding but never pity. Clarke was never one to talk about her feelings or to be self analyzing enough to explain why she does the things she does, but it is just so easy and freeing talking to Lexa. She is never afraid that Lexa will judge her for her feelings and that level of understanding and compassion is something she craved but never understood she needed so desperately. 

 

Clarke’s head tilted up when her nose zeroed in on the glorious smell of comfort food wafting over from the bag Lexa left by the door, “What’s in the bag?” Clarke asked before she could control her growling stomach. 

 

Lexa smiled, “I brought you dinner. I thought, if I couldn’t bring you to a date, I’d bring the date to you.” The brunette hopped off the table and grabbed the bag. She unloaded two huge containers of food, two plates, a couple pairs of silverware and some napkins. 

 

“Oh my God! That smells good! Did Anya make this?”

 

Lexa answered nonchalantly, “Um - no. I made it. Anya let me borrow the kitchen for a bit if I promised to clean up.”

 

Clarke was seconds away from popping the fried okra into her mouth, “You worked all day, cooked a huge meal, packed a picnic, and brought it to me at 3:00AM?” 

 

Lexa suddenly got a little shy.  _ Maybe this was too much _ . “Um - yeah. I - well - Anya and Ray said you’ve not been around much and I know what you keep in your fridge or rather, what you don’t - I figured someone’s gotta feed you.”

 

_ Don’t you dare fucking cry, Griff. Don’t you do it. I know this is the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for you and I know you’re about to start your period but do not cry!!!! DO NOT DO IT!!  _

 

_ Shit. _

 

Clarke’s blue eyes welled with tears just before she launched herself at Lexa. She wrapped her arms around Lexa’s neck and buried her face in the woman’s shoulder. “Th-thank you. Thank you for being so patient and thoughtful.”

 

Lexa could not help but chuckle, “Of course.” Her arms tightened more around the blonde’s waist as she drew in a deep breath of the blonde’s sweet-smelling shampoo.

 

Clarke wasn’t sure how long they had been standing there or when she placed her palm on the back of Lexa’s neck and started calmly and intimately raking her nails against the brunette’s skin. 

 

Lexa swallowed hard, trying to ignore the chills running up and down her spine with each graze. Without really thinking about it, her hips began to sway and Clarke’s along with her. Her green eyes fluttered closed as she began to gently sing:

 

_ You'll never know just how much I miss you _

_ You'll never know just how much I care _

_ And if I tried, I still couldn't hide my love for you  _

_ You ought to know, for haven't I told you so _

_ A million or more times? _

_ You went away and my heart went with you _

_ I speak your name in my every prayer _

_ If there is some other way to prove that I love you _

_ I swear I don't know how _

Clarke could feel the vibration of the words in Lexa’s chest while her head rested on her shoulder. Lexa’s voice wasn’t raspy like her own, it was quiet and ethereal. The lyrics were clear and pierced straight through Clarke’s protective barriers.  

 

The blonde leaned back, placing a tender hand over Lexa’s heart. Blue and green eyes danced back and forth - indecision and romance intertwined so closely that they both felt butterflies in their bellies. Clarke’s hand on Lexa’s neck gently tugged her forward before their lips met. 

 

Soft. That’s all Lexa could think about while she kissed Clarke. It wasn’t an eager or greedy kiss, it was gentle and filled with every ounce of longing Lexa had coiled inside her. For Clarke, thoughts of waking up in a bed after taking a nap in the sun with her lover were playing in her head like a movie. It was a kiss born out of longing but ultimately representative of the strange familiarity they shared. 

 

After several very long moments, they separated. 

 

_ Wow.  _ They both thought, unashamed of the mutual look of bewilderment on their faces, both not knowing what to say next. That is, until Clarke’s stomach growled, sending them into a fit of laughter. 

 

“Let’s get you fed,” Lexa said as she tugged on Clarke’s hand toward the desk where the food had been set out. Clarke’s cheeks were now red for two reasons. She knew she wanted to eat some of this delicious smelling food but she also knew she would never stop wanting Lexa’s lips on her. 

 

They mostly talked about work between bites. While neither mentioned their first kiss, the shiny and bashful looks they kept sending each other was mention enough. Once their plates were cleaned off, Clarke got up to stand between Lexa’s legs as she sat on the hospital bed - well, it was more like a cot. 

 

“W-would you like to go on a date with me tomorrow night?” Clarke asked before her courage ran out. Too late... “I mean, I don’t want you to feel obligated. And I know you probably work. I mean, if you do I could cook something at the apartment. I’ll even buy groceries.”

 

Lexa placed a palm to Clarke’s burning cheek, “I’d love to.” Her smile easily reached her eyes, “I get off at 1900 but it’ll probably take me about another hour to get off base. Is that OK?”

 

“Y-yeah. Of course. That sounds perfect,” Clarke let out a relieved breath.

 

Lexa removed her hand and began playfully tugging on Clarke’s fingers, “Where are you taking me?” 

 

Clarke’s eyes blew wide, “Oh. I - don’t know. What’s around here?”

 

Lexa laughed openly, “Let me worry about where but you can pay so it is still your date.” Lexa winked before as she began putting the plates and utensils back in the bag. “Does that sound good?”

 

Clarke’s smile wrapped clear across her face, “It sounds perfect.”

 

\-------

 

Thanksgiving was now a week away. Clarke only knew this because her mother was calling her incessantly about visiting for the holiday. “Uh - mom. I don’t think that’s a good idea. I know you’re disappointed but I am SO busy here, I can’t leave. And there’s like three feet of snow outside so flying here would be super dangerous. M-maybe next year.” There wasn’t any snow on the ground. Sure, it was freezing cold at night but it was getting as high as 40 degrees in the afternoon. Abigail knew that, she was looking at the weather forecast on her work computer this very second.

 

“OK, Clarke,” she said defeatedly. “I understand. We’ll talk soon.”

 

Clarke paused a moment after they hung up. She felt terrible, she really did. There was no way in hell she could leave right now, especially so last minute, but her mom could have come up. It’s just that - Clarke’s mom being here would raise more questions about her life and, while Abby wasn’t exactly sure what happened to Clarke overseas or after, she was afraid it would come up and then everyone would have all these prying questions and she’d have to -

 

“Hey,” warm arms wrapped around her waist before she capsized inside her own head. 

 

Clarke’s lips tightened, her eyes fluttered closed, and she whispered, “Lex.”

 

“What’s got you so worked up, babe?” Lexa reached around and placed her hand and over Clarke’s, the one gripping her phone tightly. 

 

“My mother,” Clarke turned in Lexa’s arms to face her. “She wants to visit but I’m just…”

 

“Not ready. It’s OK. I’m sure you feel guilty but your mental health comes first. It’s not no, it’s just… not now. I’m sure she is disappointed but I’m also sure she understands.” 

 

Clarke coiled her arms around Lexa. The brunette just  _ got her _ . There were no minced words, no miscommunications. Lexa knew exactly how Clarke felt and what she was thinking, often before she did. However, she was worried that their relationship was becoming one-sided. Since they started going on more dates… and kissing, Lexa seemed to be doing really well. Which, on one hand was good, but Clarke felt in the pit of her stomach that Lexa was hiding something, hiding some emotions that needed to be addressed. Of course, Clarke didn’t want to push her, but Lexa focusing so much on her needs and her emotions, rather than her own, was dangerous for the stability of their relationship. As they said in the beginning, first and foremost, they were friends. 

 

“Hey, why don’t you come over tonight when you get off work and we can watch a movie or something,” Clarke suggested as she coiled the hairs at the back of Lexa’s neck around her finger. 

 

“That sounds great,” Lexa pressed a kiss to Clarke’s cheek and released her. “I gotta get back to work though. See ya later, babe.” She winked and was out the door. 

 

Clarke still blushed every time Lexa called her babe. It was casual enough that it didn’t feel like they needed to put a label on their relationship if anyone questioned it - but Clarke also knew that was a lie because Lexa only ever called her that when they were alone. It was an intimacy just for her ears.

 

**\----- later that night**

 

“Wine?”

 

“Yes, thank you,” Clarke accepted the refill gleefully. Tomorrow was the first day off she had in over a week so she joked earlier that she was going to get “sloshed” tonight. She’d already had a few beers downstairs waiting for Lexa’s shift to end so she had just the right amount of liquid courage to talk to Lexa about ‘serious stuff’. 

 

“You’re staring,” Lexa noted with a little flirtation to mask the fear. 

 

“Oh. I’m sorry. I just - I wanted to talk to you about something and I started the conversation in my head with you and didn’t realize I wasn’t … actually talking to you.”

 

“How was it going? Did I take it well?” Lexa teased.

 

Clarke made a noncommittal noise, “You were upset at first but then we were about to have a very hot and sexy makeout on the couch.”   
  
Lexa’s eyebrows raised, “OH. Would you like me to leave you two alone?”

 

Clarke laughed and gently pushed Lexa’s shoulder with her foot, “Ass.”

 

Lexa smiled but it soon faded, “What did you want to talk about, Clarke?”

 

“Well - I feel like the last few weeks - well, month - actually, the whole time we’ve been… you know… together.”

 

“Get to the point,” Lexa didn’t mean to use her Commander voice but she was inadvertently steeling herself for a conversation that would leave her frustrated, or even worse, wounded. 

 

She had no idea. 

 

Clarke tried to mask the spike of fear ( _ and maybe arousal _ ) she had at Lexa’s tone, “I feel like our relationship has become very one sided. I’ve been trying to give you opportunities to talk about how YOU are doing but you always seem to take care of me and the deep and emotional conversations always seem to surround MY problems. Above all else, we are supposed to be friends, confidants. This,” she motioned between them, “doesn’t work if you don’t talk to me about what’s going on.”

 

Lexa’s eyes were on the coffee table and then on the floor and then back to the coffee table… and then the TV… 

 

“Lex,” Clarke softly pleaded. “I’m here. You don’t have to talk now. The last thing I want is for you to feel like I’m pressuring you. I don’t want that at all. I just want to make sure you feel that you can trust me and I want you to know that I’m here. I’m always here - to listen.” 

 

Lexa’s green eyes finally met Clarke’s and she was able to see the slight pool of tears forming as the brunette answered, “Thank you. I DO trust you, Clarke.” She took in a slow, deep breath. “I guess I’ve just felt to guilty or ashamed to talk about it but I think I need to. I want to. I just feel so tense when I think about it and it makes me sick to my stomach.”

 

“Why don’t I draw you a nice hot bubble bath and then, when you’re ready, I’ll sit next to you on the floor and we can just talk while you soak your nerves away. Would that help?” Clarke asked innocently.

 

“I don’t know but it sounds lovely… it also sounds like you’re trying to get me naked,” Lexa smiled cheekily as she stood from the couch. 

 

“Something tells me I wouldn’t have to try that hard, champ,” Clarke walked past Lexa and swatted the brunettes ass. 

 

Lexa nearly choked on the sip of wine she’d just taken while her eyes bugged out. She was embarrassed at the instantaneous swirly feeling she had between her legs so she hid her blush from Clarke as the blonde went to start the hot water. 

 

A few moments later, “OK. You can come in,” Lexa called out. 

 

Clarke slowly cracked open the door with her eyes closed, “You sure?”

 

Lexa rolled her eyes, “Yes. All my bits are concealed with the ½ a bottle of soap bubbles you put in here…” 

 

“What?! I like bubbles, OK?” Clarke groaned like a sixty-year-old as she got down on the floor.

 

“Jeez, babe. When was the last time you worked out?” Lexa jeered. 

 

“I’ve been busy at work!! Don’t judge me!” Clarke complained indignantly like she was five. 

 

“We can go together soon. We can make a date out of it.”

 

“That sounds like the worst date ever,” the blonde pouted. 

 

Again, Lexa rolled her eyes at Clarke’s dramatics. She sunk lower in the bath until only her eyes and the top of her head were visible over the immense amount of bubbles. Clarke sipped her wine but her eyes stayed silently on her - waiting. 

 

With a huff, the brunette knew she couldn’t deflect the conversation any longer. “I’ve uh - I’ve been feeling a little guilty.”

 

Clarke placed both her arms on the edge of the tub and leaned her chin down to be at Lexa’s eye level as she spoke. Lexa mentioned at some point, weeks ago, during one of their late night talks that she often becomes distressed during uncomfortable conversations when someone is standing over her so she intentionally tries to get them to sit down to be at eye level. Lexa’s heart fluttered a little when she saw Clarke doing exactly that - she remembered. 

 

_ Do it. Just spit it out. Clarke won’t judge you _ . “I know we aren’t in a relationship - officially. But I mean… it doesn’t matter.” Clarke’s heart clenched because - it did matter. It did matter that Lexa felt secure about where they stood and maybe Clarke needed to offer her some reassurances once this conversation was over that the feelings between them are very much real.

  
Lexa continued, “Being… whatever we are… has allowed me to recognize what I didn’t have with Costia. I mean, I loved her. I really truly did.” She did her best to hold back tears, her face almost became stonelike. “But having this -  _ us _ \- to compare it to, I just seem to only be remembering that bad parts about her now. Like, this is SO good that it almost feels like my relationship with her was so bad - and I know it wasn’t. I just, I feel myself invalidating my relationship with her as a way to give myself…. Like… permission… to move on.” She dabs her tears away with the back of her wet hand which just leaves droplets of water. Lexa begins to rub her face vigorously, like she’s trying to clean the guilt away. 

 

Clarke reaches out to still Lexa’s hands, causing the brunette to just break down completely - the dam burst. She sobbed, “I feel like I have to hate her in order to love you.”

 

Clarke’s heart was breaking for her girlf-  _ oh. _ “Shhh, you’ve done nothing wrong. You haven’t hurt anybody. Shhhhh.” Clarke leaned forward and cradled the brunette’s head to her chest. She wanted to climb into the bath in her clothes but real life wasn’t like the movies. It’d overflow and make a huge mess, that they’d have to clean up, and then she’d be freezing and have to wash all of her clothes. That’s just too much. 

 

Several silent minutes past, the only noise was Lexa’s gentle sobs into Clarke’s arms. 

 

Finally, Clarke spoke, “I was sort of with someone a little while after Finn. I found myself doing the same thing - sort of - villainizing my relationship with him so I could allow myself to find comfort and intimacy in someone else's arms.”

 

“Did it work?” Lexa whimpered, though she already knew the answer.

 

Clarke smiled and squeezed the woman tighter in her arms, “Of course not. It was a dangerous coping mechanism that did more harm to me than good. I wasn’t really ever able to move on and it prevented me from healthily coping with his death and, ultimately, my father’s too.” 

 

Lexa was quiet for a moment before she buried her face deeper into Clarke’s arms, “When did you get so smart?”

 

“I have a PhD in medicine and was a Capt- uh, in the Navy. I’ve always been smart.”

 

Lexa was quiet for a few more moments before she managed a teasing whisper, “I know you outrank me, Clarke.”

 

Clarke went rigid, “When did-”

 

“I read your chart before you got here,” Lexa leaned up and finally managed to wipe the last few tears away with dry hands. She sighed, feeling like a weight was off her shoulders for the first time in months. 

 

“Is-is that OK?” Clarke questioned tensely. 

 

Lexa looked genuinely confused, “What? You think I’d be some insecure asshole that my - um - that you outrank me AND my boss? Psh. I’m hurt, Clarke. Truly.” 

 

Clarke rolled her eyes and shoved Lexa’s shoulder with a quick smile, “You’d be surprised, you know.” 

 

Lexa shrugged her shoulders, “Your rank doesn’t intimidate me… Would you hold your body against me if I said your intelligence, charm and wit intimidate me?”

 

Clarke stood from the floor and rolled her eyes, “That’s not even remotely close to how that joke goes.” She sauntered out of the bathroom to get another glass of wine. She’d be a damn liar if she said she didn’t admit there was a little extra sway to her hips when she walked out. 

 

When she returned with a glass for herself and Lexa, she said, “I think you and I both need to work on this. Not focusing on the bad to avoid feeling guilty about the present good. So I have an idea. Let’s each share a memory of when we were the happiest with our exes. That way, if we ever feel ourselves becoming negative about them, we can remember that moment with respect and reverence, while also giving ourselves permission to move on. Does that sound like it would work?” 

 

Lexa nodded. 

 

“I-I can go first,” Clarke thoughtfully sighed. She took a moment trying to remember the BEST moment with Finn. When the thought popped in her head, she started second guessing whether she should share it and if, when she thought about it, she could focus on the best parts of it. 

 

Lexa saw the conflict in Clarke’s eyes so she grabbed the blonde’s hand and brought it to her lips. “It’s OK.”

 

“I was pregnant.”

 

_ Oh. _ Lexa’s eyebrows went up and her eyes went wild for a millisecond before she quickly schooled her expression. 

 

Clarke was watching her the whole time, “I remember laying in my bunk after I told him… it had happened on leave and we’d just gotten back. He just laid next to me with his hand on my belly.” The tears in her eyes began to shine with her smile, “I felt so adored and such absolute joy for the first time since my dad died.” 

 

Lexa didn’t have to vocalize the question on her lips.

 

“Finn died in my sixth month. The stress… I couldn’t… I lost…” 

 

Lexa pulled Clarke close to her, “I’m sure he would have been a wonderful father.”

 

Lexa’s words were everything to Clarke. It was hard for her to remember that moment without thinking about the trauma of his loss and the subsequent miscarriage. But thinking about the love in his eyes that day while laying in the bunk and knowing he would have been a wonderful dad. That was her memory, not the loss, but the amazing would-have-beens. 

 

When Clarke pulled away and whispered a revarant ‘thank you’, Lexa knew it was her turn.

 

“Costia and I knew each other since we were children. Before we even dated, we’d sneak out of school and run to this like, glade hidden in the woods behind the playground. In the spring it was covered in these knee-high purple wildflowers.” She smiled, “We would just lay down, completely hidden from view and watch the clouds. We had our first kiss there. I asked her to marry me there. And the night before our wedding, we snuck out and met there.” Her smile became filled with mirth.

 

“You had sex there, didn’t you?” Clarke deadpanned teasingly.

 

Lexa barked out a laugh, “....maybe.” 

 

They laughed for several minutes, trading funny stories about where they have snuck off to with past lovers and awful stories of being caught. Neither acknowledged that the conversation was beginning to affect them both. 

 

“Has anyone told you about how Costia died?” Lexa asked. Her tone was surprisingly OK-sounding. 

 

Clarke tried to meet her eyes but Lexa’s were locked on the red wine in her hand, “No. No they haven’t.”  _ Not exactly a lie.  _

 

“Why haven’t you asked anyone?” 

 

Clarke leaned her head down onto her arms once again, ready to listen to whatever Lexa needed to get off her chest, “Because I only wanted to hear it from you when you wanted me to know.”

 

Lexa leaned forward, covering her almost naked chest with her arms because the bubbles were beginning to disappear. She pressed a firm but thoughtful kiss to Clarke’s forehead, causing the blonde’s eyes to flutter closed as she soaked in the feeling. “I think I’m ready to talk about it, but I’m losing my bubbles. Can I rinse off and meet you on the couch?”

 

“Of course,” Clarke cupped one of Lexa’s cheeks with her hand and kissed the other before standing up and closing the door behind her.

 

Ten minutes later, Lexa emerged from the bathroom in Clarke’s Dartmouth sweats and a Navy Search and Rescue t-shirt. No bra.  _ Stop it, Clarke. _

 

“Would you like more wine?” Clarke asked.    
  
Lexa paused for a moment, heavily considering it since she didn’t have work tomorrow but she wanted to be as clear-headed as she could, considering she was already a little tipsy. “Actually, do you have tea?”

 

“Of course. That actually sounds really good.” Clarke had pulled her tea box out of the cabinet and let Lexa choose from the array and set them to steap. 

 

They were silent almost the entire time, waiting for the tea to cool. It was Lexa’s conversation so Clarke didn’t want to force her to bring it up if she had changed her mind but didn’t want to actively give her an out or make her feel like she didn’t want to hear the story.

 

“Um… can I get you anything else?” Clarke quietly offered. 

 

Lexa smiled, “No, thank you, Clarke… I’m - uh - sorry, I know you’re waiting for me.” Clarke started to protest before Lexa continued, “Costia and I were not on the same Kru and Roan was out with the flu. An emergency call came in and they needed a swimmer. A boat had struck a piece of ice and the hull was filling with water. They had enough time to get their emergency immersion suits on but two of us would have to jump out and load them into the rescue basket.” Lexa’s eyes cinched together, “Something didn’t feel right from the beginning. When we were gearing up, I saw Costia arguing with Nia and Ontari. This was right before Nia suddenly retired. They - they refused to tell me what the argument was about. Ontari said it was about the gear but the look in Costia’s eyes were wild and she could hardly look at me. I knew we’d been having some problems but… this was different.”

 

Lexa took a sip of her tea and took a deep breath, grateful for the foot massage Clarke wordlessly began giving her. 

 

“We arrived at the source of the distress beacon and that’s when I noticed the boat didn’t appear to be sinking at all. The fishermen on the boat were haphazardly in their gear but seemed to be more stunned than distressed when Costia and I arrived on the boat. I started to grab the youngest looking of the crew and he just kept looking around at everyone else. That’s when I saw Costia heatedly talking to the Captain. She ran over to me and yelled something like,  _ ‘Lex - they thought the boat had a bigger hole but they’ve got it under control. They tried to radio in but we’d already left.’ _ Everything about it felt SO strange. Sure, we’ve been called out and helped crews restart their engines but not this… I sent the basket back up and looked back up at Costia and it appeared like she was arguing with the guy.”

 

Clarke’s head was swirling but she easily schooled her expression - she was a professional. 

 

“Ontari lowered the cable back down for us and suddenly Costia was shoving me towards the line - like she was in a hurry to get back on the helicopter. She reached for the cable and hooked me to it but before she could hook herself to my harness, the captain pulled out a gun.”

 

Clarke’s expression grew tense and worried, “ _ oh my god…”  _

 

Lexa was beginning to choke up. Her eyes dropped from Clarke’s, sending a few tears down her cheeks. “We were halfway up to the helicopter and Costia was trying to hold onto me while trying to hook her belt. All the while, Nia began piloting away - she HAD to have seen the gun. You never navigate away from a boat while lifting anyone unless it’s dire. She HAD to have seen the gun.” She took a deep breath, “I will never forget the last look in Costia’s eyes. One shot. That’s all it took. She just went… lifeless. I-I was catatonic. They got me onboard and had to hold me down to keep me from jumping out after her. I couldn’t - I couldn’t process what had just happened...” 

 

Clarke had stopped rubbing Lexa’s feet and was now just holding them tightly, as if they were Lexa’s hands. If the brunette wasn’t so distressed, she would have smiled and said it was cute. 

 

“They all lied. They all lied about the fight before we got on the heli. They lied about ever seeing the gun. Th-they all wrote in the official report that I dropped her. That I didn’t hook her up properly and that I couldn’t hold on to her. That I was too weak.” 

 

Lexa’s gaze grew more and more distant by the second, like her eyes were going to roll to the back of her head. Clarke crawled on top of Lexa’s lap and grabbed her head between both her hands. Clarke’s eyes were clearer and more intense than Lexa’d ever seen them before. “I believe you, Lex. I do. I know you didn’t drop her. It’s not your fault.”

 

Lexa blubbered, “YOU CAN’T KNOW THAT! I FAILED HER! I took so many drugs after - to - to cope. Maybe I made it all up! Maybe it was all my fault!” The panic and insecurity had rooted itself in Lexa’s chest but Clarke was bent on ripping it out. 

 

“HEY! Look at me! You did NOT kill, Costia. OK?” The look in Clarke’s eyes was so severe that Lexa was almost fearful. 

 

“W-what are you saying, Clarke?” Lexa’s body went rigid beneath the blonde’s body. 

 

_ Fuck. FUCK! _ “I’m not… Lex, I…” Clarke stood and began pacing. “I-I didn’t come here to find myself. Not exactly… I was assigned here.” 

 

Lexa’s body went so cold she thought she was dead. “What… do you mean… assigned?”

 

Clarke chewed on her lip. She knew was breaking the biggest rule - actually - multiple rules. 

 

“I’m Special Agent Clarke Griffin…” she swallowed, “of the Department of Justice. I was assigned to investigate the disappearance of Costia Woods and… her involvement in drug trafficking ring with Nia Queen.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warnings: Miscarriage, Descriptions of Death (gun shot)
> 
> The next chapter will likely be posted tonight/tomorrow. I just feel bad leaving it like this (sort of).


	10. Innocence Died Screaming

 

_“I’m TELLING you - it’d be a hit!” Clarke slurred into the microphone in her hand while taking another sip of beer._

 

_“FINE! Just so you’ll stop harassing me and my wife about it…” Raven ripped the mic out of Clarke’s hands and climbed onto the bar._

 

_“Psst! HEY! PSST!” Clarke whispered very loudly while tugging on Raven’s pant leg._

 

_“WHAT CLARKE!?”_

 

 _“It’s a hot mic… the mic is hot… psst! It’s a hot mic!”_ _  
_   
Raven looked at her like she was insane and yelled, “What the fuck does that even mean????” She turned away and got the bars attention, “HEY EVERYBODY LISTEN HERE FOR A MINUTE! WOULD YOU BE INTERESTED IN THE BAR HOSTING A WEEKLY KARAOKE NIGHT!?”

 

_Everyone cheered and hollered and Raven shrugged into an eye roll that touched the back of her skull, “...well shit.”_

 

_“I TOLD you! Everybody loves karaoke!” Clarke cheered._

 

_Raven stuck her drunken finger in Clarke’s drunken face, “Fine, but you’re the MC every night!”_

 

_Clarke held her hands up and gave a courteous bow from her stool, “I’d be honored.” The tipsy blonde hopped off her seat and walked to where Bellamy and Octavia were playing a round of pool while Lincoln and Lexa observed from nearby._

 

_“I TOLD you they’d cave!” Clarke championed._

 

_Lexa was smitten at Clarke’s self-satisfaction. The blonde’s grin was ear-to-ear despite her eyelids beginning to droop._

 

_“I think it’s a great idea, Clarke! All that sound equipment does is collect dust until Bellamy gets drunk enough to grab a guitar and sing everyone out of the bar!” Octavia teased and earned a glare from her brother._

 

_“When’s the first night?” Bellamy asked._

 

_Clarke threw her hands open to officially announce, “Next Thursday! It’s going to be so much fun! Anya agreed to put something good on the menu to bring in a crowd.” Clarke wiggled her eyebrows._

 

_Everyone perked up, “Did Anya tell you what she was putting on the menu?” Lexa asked exactly what was suddenly on everyone’s minds._

 

_The smirk on Clarke’s face was mischievous as she sing-songed, “...maaaaaaybe.”_

 

_Lexa took another warning step towards the blonde and glared playfully, “You’d tell me, though… wouldn’t you? You’d never lie to me.”_

 

_Clarke glared back at Lexa before gleefully sneering, “Never. Not even if my life depended on it!”_

\---

 

Lexa sat on the couch in a silent daze as her mind poured over every interaction she’s ever had with Clarke. Looking for the signals, the little clues - the lies.

 

Clarke pleaded, tears pouring from her eyes and snot from her nose, “Lex - please - I… you have to-”

 

“NO!” the Commander demanded. Lexa felt like she was splitting in two right before her very eyes. Half of her (Lexa) wanted to understand, wanted to forgive, wanted to trust… but the other half (the Commander) wanted answers, wanted bent knees, wanted submission.

 

Lexa stood from the couch shakily, “H-how… b-but…” _Get your blubbering under control. She PLAYED you! You knew she would!_ _THIS IS WEAKNESS_ “Your file…”

  


Clarke took a step forward, “Is _mostly_ true, I swear. The important stuff, the stuff about ME,” Clarke pressed her hands to her chest desperately. “M-my entire life I’ve poured out to YOU b-because I - because I lov-”

 

“Don’t,” Lexa winced. “Please don’t,” she begged the tears not to fall.

 

“I’m SO sorry, Lex. If you’ll just let me-”

 

Lexa turned her face to hide her fresh, hot tears. She bit her lower lip so hard she could taste the metallic flavor of fresh blood. “I need to - I’ve got to…” Her words were so weak, she sounded like she would break at any moment. She turned towards the door to the apartment and began taking the stairs down, two at a time.

 

Once Lexa got to the bottom she paused, fighting the urge to go back upstairs and listen to everything Clarke had to say, but rage pooled in the pit of her stomach. She raised her arm and plowed her fist straight through the drywall. “FUCK!” _I’m such a fool!!!_

 

Clarke’s hands covered her face in horror. This wasn’t how it was supposed to happen. All along she desperately wanted to tell Lexa about the case but it is top secret and telling Lexa could potentially put her life in danger. Also, finding the right time to say, “Hey, I think I’m falling in love with you, let’s be together after I arrest the drug dealers that killed your wife!”   
  
Clarke wasn’t ready for that conversation and she certainly wasn’t permitted by law to have it, so what was she to do? Clarke laid in bed but never slept. She just kept berating herself and blaming herself for what happened. _I still have a job to do. I’m close, I just need to talk to Roan and get that evidence he promised, and I can get the hell out of here._

 

**\---- Two Days Later**

 

“Hey, Anya! How’d that hole get in that wall by the bathroom?” Lincoln questioned as he shimmied back onto the stool beside his girlfriend.

 

“You know, I have no fucking clue. I feel like I would’ve noticed it but it was just like - THERE yesterday morning!” Anya threw the bar towel over her shoulder.

 

Raven shrugged so deeply she almost became part of the floor, “I think it has something to do with Clarke and Lexa being MIA all of a sudden.” She contemplatively twirled her cocktail napkin around with her fingers. She remembers seeing Clarke the morning prior leaving the bar. The blonde looked like she’d been crying all night but she didn’t stop to say a word before heading out. Raven certainly didn’t want to push her - that’s what the agreement had been, to not push or pry about their relationship or about Clarke’s past.

 

Raven couldn’t stop this twisting in her gut, though. She and Octavia had gotten really close to Clarke over the last few months and, though they only know snippets of the blonde’s history, being around Lexa had clearly healed some of her wounds - and some of Lexa’s, too. The latina desperately wanted to fix whatever was clearly going on between them but didn’t even know where to start. Lexa was her sister-in-law but Clarke was becoming one of her best friends… but, damn it, she swore not to meddle…

 

Anya sighed. She knew there was a strong possibility Raven was right about Lexa and Clarke, she just didn’t want to admit it. She wanted Lexa’s problems to be over and done with. Plus, she was finally beginning to trust Clarke and thought she was good for Lexa.

 

“I thought they were doing OK. What happened?” Octavia noted sadly.

 

“Lexa was over one night and then for the last two days neither has been around. Like, they both just disappeared. Raven said she spotted Clarke yesterday leaving but she looked like hell and now Lexa won’t return any of my texts or calls,” saying it out loud made Anya worry even more.

 

Lincoln asked openly, “Have either of you thought about… ?”

 

“No. We’ve been trying to stay out of it,” Raven looked pointedly up at Anya, the primary champion for ‘ _staying out of things_ ’. “Maybe we shouldn’t be?”

 

 _Damn it._ “Yeah, I think you are right. I’ll go up to Lexa’s place tomorrow and see if I can get her to talk to me about what’s going on and see if there’s anything we can do.”

 

\----  


Anya knew Lexa had today off of work so she decided to make the trek to Lexa’s place in the early morning, before she could escape into the woods like she typically did. While it was much faster by boat, Anya still had problems being on the water as a result of her accident, especially alone. By truck, it would be about an hour and a half of an offroading drive but she was glad to do it.

 

When she finally pulled up to the cabin, Lexa was already standing outside with a frown and a blanket wrapped around her shoulders. Aside from the local wildlife, it was stark quiet, making it incredibly easy to hear visitors coming from a mile away.

 

“Hey, little sis!”

 

“What are you doing here?” Lexa’s tone wasn’t as clipped as Anya expected it to be but there was no denying the unpleasantness lurking beneath her words. The red rings around her eyes didn’t help either.

 

“Heard you had the day off. Hadn’t been up here in a while so I thought I’d come by and see what you’ve done with the place.”

 

 _Damn it._ Lexa did not want company right now, especially her sister, but using her hard work and wood crafting skills as an excuse to get inside - her sister was one slick bitch and the smile on her face meant she knew it.

 

The young brunette gave her sister the grand tour, the same she gave Clarke several weeks ago. She showed Anya the updates she made on the kitchen and the refurbished wood burning stove she installed in the sun room. The bookshelves, the new floors, and the walk in shower.

  
“Lex, this is amazing,” Anya was genuinely surprised. Which, in retrospect, Lexa could have been offended by. “Dad will be SO proud of you.”

 

_Oh._

 

It was hard for Lexa to keep from smiling… a compliment from her sister was rare but this was… different. “You don’t think he’ll be upset?”

 

Anya whipped her head around, “Upset? No way. Jealous? ...definitely.”

 

Lexa finally allowed herself to smirk. A small happiness, but only just for a moment because her mind drifted to what Clarke had said to her about her dad _, “I’m sure he takes great pride in his daughter finishing his legacy - as he should, Lexa, this is a dream.”_ Everything inside of her hurt.

 

“I love you, Lex. I’m so proud of the woman you’ve become.”

 

 _Wait, what?_ Lexa’s previously downcast eyes shot up. This was… unexpected… to say the least. Lexa’s genuine shock at her sister’s uncharacteristic kindness prompted Anya to continue.

 

“I know you probably don’t want to talk about what is going on but… I hope…” _Was Anya getting choked up!?_ “I hope you feel that you can talk to me… that you can trust me.”

 

 _Wow._ “I - I - um - I’m sorry. I - just - don’t know what to say...”

 

Anya nodded sadly, “I’m sorry, too.” She turned her light green eyes to the floor, “I’m sorry for the pain I caused you after telling Kane - I didn’t know what else to do. You were so - you just weren’t…” Her sad, pleading eyes looked up at Lexa, “You didn’t come back on that helicopter either, Lex. I just wanted you back.” Tears pricked in Anya’s eyes, prompting Lexa to pull her into a desperate and hungry hug.

 

Lexa’s face was buried in her sister’s neck, both finally allowing an outpouring of emotions they had been withholding, “You did the right thing - I was - I was destroying myself…. Thank you.”

 

Anya’s grip on her little sister tightened. They used to be so close, they shared everything about their lives with each other but after Costia, it just seemed to - stop. Anya loved Costia, she was a great girl, but things grew tense over time. Anya and Lexa became like strangers.

 

“Beer?” It was like Lexa read Anya’s mind.

 

“It’s 10 in the morning, Lex…”

 

“Yeah - so?”

 

“.... If I ever doubted we were related, my fears would be put to rest. Yes, please. I’d LOVE a fucking beer right now.” They both chuckled and wiped their faces of any evidence of their heartfelt sisterly moment.

 

Eventually, they migrated to the living room. It overlooked the bay with floor to ceiling windows. During high tide, if you stood right against the glass, it felt like you were walking on water. Anya stood there silently for a few moments and contemplated how to bring up Clarke and the-

 

“I punched a hole in your bar….” Well, Lexa took care of that for her.

 

“I know,” Anya said with an expression of sympathy causing Lexa to shift her eyes away. She couldn’t bear to be looked at like she was weak.  
  
“I’m sorry. I’ll fix it - I just haven’t… yet.” Lexa looked so upset, it broke Anya’s heart.   
  
“I don’t fucking care about the wall, Lex. I just want to make sure you’re OK. Truly. That’s the only reason I came up here. I don’t want you to feel pressured to talk but… I don’t want you to shut yourself away. I can’t bear to watch you do that to yourself - to us - again.”

 

Lexa leaned forward, her elbows on her knees and her hands in her hair. The battle between her anger and her feelings for Clarke were still at war inside her. She wanted to tell Anya everything out of spite but… “It’s not like Costia - I’m… I’m not going to - again.” She sighed so defeatedly, “I’m just… humiliated. And furious.”

 

Anya sat across from Lexa, wanting her to know she was here to talk but not wanting to hover, “What happened?”  
  
“I - I can’t - tell you,” she winced knowing Anya would likely be unsatisfied with that answer, “But I’m OK. I am. I just need some time to make some decisions.”

 

“You want me to kill her?” Anya teased but was met with Lexa’s serious green eyes.

 

“No…” she sighed. “But something tells me she could probably take all of us - at once,” she murmured under her breath.   


A chill went down Anya’s neck. _What the fuck does that even mean?_

 

After a few hours of aimless chatting, Anya stood to leave but braced her arm with Lexa’s. A small squeak escaped the shorter brunette’s lips. _Shit_ \- it was too late for Lexa to mask the pain. The taller sister pushed Lexa’s sleeve up her arm and immediately noticed why she tried to hide her injury - her hand was totally busted.   
  
“Holy shit! Lexa! How long did you think you could hide this!? You have to get that checked out. It looks broken as fuck!”

 

Lexa winced, “..... I know….but….”

 

 _Shit._ “I can go with you - she won’t try anything if I’m there. But you HAVE to go.”

 

Lexa nodded, “I - OK - I’d appreciate it…” She swallowed thickly before admitting, “It - it hurts so fucking bad.”

 

Anya suppressed a quip about punching walls with bare fists because, in that moment, she honestly could not tell if Lexa was talking about her hand or her heart.

 

**\--- Later that day**

 

“Hey, O, wait up!” Raven jogged to catch up to Octavia as she walked towards the mess hall.

 

“So - I asked yesterday and the guys said Clarke hasn’t been at the clinic for the last two days.” Octavia raised her eyebrow in surprised. “We know she hasn’t been with Lexa and she’s definitely not been at home. Something’s not right about all this.”

 

O hesitated, “Yeah, I agree, but Anya texted that Lexa asked for space, should we really be sniffing around?”

 

“Look,” Raven put her hand out to stop Octavia from walking any further. “For better or worse, Clarke’s our friend too and clearly something major is going on. If she had done something truly awful, Lexa would be in full Commander mode, not like this - not heartbroken. Clarke might need someone to talk things through with… she’s all alone up here.”

 

“That’s a good point - you wanna swing by right now?”

 

“Yeah, we can invite her over for drinks and girl talk tonight,” Raven smiled.

 

Octavia laughed, “That actually sounds really nice. I haven’t had a girls night in SO long.”

 

Raven rolled her eyes but was secretly excited by her own idea too. She had always been a bit of a tomboy so even though she wanted to hang out and talk about “girl stuff”, she was never really invited to do so. She was alienated in high school until she found the Coast Guard, the Woods sisters, Octavia… and now Clarke.   
  
The women walked all the way over to the clinic and peaked through the little glass window on the door. They saw Clarke, alone, and writing something in that notebook she carries around with her everywhere. They agreed that she looked tired. Clarke would be glad to only _look_ tired because she felt like she’d been dismantled and poorly put back together.

 

_*knock knock*_

 

“Hey, Blondie. How you doing?” Raven asked softly.

 

Clarke’s head still shot up with surprise and her expression reflected the panic that was writhing beneath her skin. “Oh. Hey. What are you two doing here?” Clarke’s notebook snapped closed and was shoved inside her bag.

 

“We came to check on you,” Octavia noted calmy, trying to assuage Clarke’s obvious nerves. “We know something happened between you and Lexa and we just want you to know we are here if you need to talk.”

 

_Oh, thank God. Lexa hasn’t said anything to them._

 

“O’s right. You are our friend too and we want to make sure you are OK. You haven’t been around much…”

 

Clarke was truly taken back. These are her friends. She should trust them, she _does_ … maybe that’s what scares her so much. She trusts these people with her life, she cared about them, and she wants to protect them… she _needs_ to protect Lexa….. They were her family.

 

Before Clarke could answer, two figures appeared in the doorway. “What the hell are you two doing here?” Anya’s voice was but a hint of the fury written all over her face as her eyes darted between Raven and Octavia.

 

“Lex…” Clarke whispered and took a step towards her but Anya moved between them, halting Clarke in her footsteps.

 

“I’m here to have you take a look at my hand. Nothing more,” it was the Commander who spoke. Everyone bristled as eyes shifted between each other. Almost like one flinch in the wrong direction would send them into a brawl.

 

All Clarke could do was nod silently and motion for Lexa to have a seat around the corner where the x-ray machine was located. Strangely enough, it was them who were being the most civil compared to the other three who were now embroiled in a whisper fight only 10 or so feet away. Meaning, Clarke and Lexa could hear the whole thing.

 

Clarke turned on the overhead lamp and looked into Lexa’s jade eyes, which were locked on her own, searching for something. “M-may I?” Clarke motioned to Lexa’s hand which was braced to her abdomen beneath her jacket.

 

Lexa slowly pulled her arm out, eliciting a gasp and fresh tears to pool in Clarke’s sapphire eyes. “Oh God…” she whispered under her breath. The first two fingers on Lexa’s right hand looked mangled but her whole fist, up to her wrist, was a disgusting hue of reds, blues, and black.

 

_I did this to her. This is all my fault._

 

Lexa’s eyes never left Clarke’s, a stark difference from the first time she was ever in her clinic - the first time they met.

 

Lexa’s gaze was searing but Clarke did her best to keep the tremor in her hands from being too noticeable. Unfortunately, the subtle wince in Lexa’s eyes let the doctor know she wasn’t doing a very good job at masking her nerves.

 

“I - I - um - can you just place your hand like this,” she motioned with her own. “Good. I’ll be right back to take the picture and then I’ll have you change it.”

 

“I’ve had an x-ray before,” Lexa’s tone softened considerably despite being clearly agitated.

 

Clarke swallowed, “Oh, right. Of course.” _God, I’m an idiot._

 

She pressed the imaging button and then returned to re-orientate Lexa’s hand into another position. “Am I making your nervous, Clar _k_ e?” The brunette’s words were dripping with poison she didn’t mean to spew but this fury was just sitting there, right beneath her skin.

 

“Yes. Yes, you are.” Clarke’s response was so matter-of-fact that it was entirely disarming to Lexa’s ire.

 

Lexa had no response, no more fire to throw at the blonde.

 

Clarke saw the change - she almost preferred the barrage of hatred she was anticipating over the look in Lexa’s eyes now - _regret, shame, embarrassment_. Clarke continued to arrange Lexa’s hand for one last x-ray when Lexa’s voice penetrated the silence.

 

“I want to hate you. I want to hate you so fucking much,” Lexa’s emotions were twisting around inside her but she couldn’t bear it anymore.

 

“I know.”

 

“NO! NO YOU DON’T KNOW! YOU DON’T KNOW SHIT, CLARKE! MY WIFE DIED. MY WIFE DIED RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME, HER BLOOD ON MY HANDS AND I THOUGHT MY LIFE WAS OVER BUT THEN I MET YOU - I TRUSTED YOU AND YOU LIED TO ME! YOU LIED TO ME ABOUT EVERYTHING!” Her eyes darkened, “WHAT!? YOU COULDN’T DO YOUR JOB WITHOUT FUCKING THE POOR WIDOW!?”   
  
Raven, Anya, and Octavia’s eyes grew wide and they stopped arguing. They stood outside the room and what they saw was Lexa trying to tower over Clarke while the blonde stood silent and resolute - well - aside from the fists she clenched at her sides.

 

“I SEPARATED MY FEELINGS FROM MY DUTY,” the release of Clarke’s rage was a torrent compared to Lexa’s. Everyone took a step back, even Lexa slowly sunk back down to the cot when Clarke moved to stand over her. “I HAVE A JOB TO DO. I  KEEP PEOPLE SAFE AND I PUT BAD PEOPLE IN PRISON. I ALLOWED MYSELF ONE MODICUM OF HAPPINESS - AND I REGRET IT WITH EVERY BONE IN MY BODY!”

  


So many thoughts were suddenly running through Lexa’s head; _does she really regret this - us? I can’t believe I spoke to her like that, she didn’t deserve this, but how could she fucking lie to me!?_

 

Clarke took a shaky step back and let her eyes fall to the floor. She couldn’t stand to look at Lexa a moment longer, “I don’t regret you - but I regret letting myself think I could have you.”

 

The tears Lexa refused to shed betrayed her by pooling in her eyes while she accused, “So what? It’s just over? You’re going to walk away?”

 

“What do you want from me, Lexa?” Clarke pleaded, not really expecting an answer. “You despise me one minute and the next you’re blaming me for walking away. I - I know I’ve - I regret hurting you with every bone in my body, but I didn’t have a choice. And if I had - I still would have chosen to protect you.”

 

“If this is your idea of protection - I’m glad I’m getting out alive.”

 

Clarke’s jaw went slack and her eyes went wide - panic and anxiety had their fists around her throat.

 

The deepest silence either of them had ever experienced permeated the air between them.

 

Until finally, Clarke softly interrupted Lexa’s bubbling apology, “Don’t. I know you didn’t mean it…” Lexa looked relieved for a brief moment until, “but - I think you made my point. I should have protected you from the very beginning by never getting involved.”   
  
Then Clarke turned to observe the x-rays on the monitor before Lexa could utter another word.

 

All three women in the other room were reeling and their eyes revealed the mutual question of, _What the fuck is going on!?_ Additionally, Raven sent a very special message to Anya that said something along the lines of - _Your sister is a giant fucking asshole!_ Anya agreed.

 

Clarke took a deep, shuddering breath, “You have a hairline fracture in both your index and middle finger. They’ve already begun to heal but… I can reset them…”

 

Lexa couldn’t even bear to meet Clarke’s eyes - she was already shutting down under the pressure of all of her mistakes, “...ok...”

 

“Hell no. I can’t be here for this,” Octavia ran to the door and stood outside the clinic.

 

Clarke turned towards Raven and Anya and swallowed thickly, “C-can one of you come over here and hold her still?” The latina noticed the look in Clarke’s eyes - absolute, pure despair.

 

Clarke turned back towards the cabinet and began prepping a needle of local anesthetic.

 

“Don’t,” Lexa spoke in the silence.

 

Clarke shook her head, “You need this - trust me, please.” There was an unspoken ‘ _do this for me, I can’t bear to cause you anymore unnecessary pain’_ so Lexa conceded and Clarke finished her preparations.

 

Lexa soon learned just how painful shots in the soft parts of your fingers could be but she never flinched - she just continued watching Clarke’s every move. As Anya and Raven sat on either side of her, waiting to assist in any way they could.  
  
Clarke let the anesthetic settle in, meanwhile, she grabbed a device that looked a lot like a metal pen and was cold to the touch. “OK - I’m going to brace this against each of your fingers and then I will push the bones as close to straight as possible. I’ll wrap them and you will be in a cast for roughly six weeks.” The doctor was all business now.

 

Clarke took one more shaky breath and just before she started pushing, Lexa’s eyes popped up. They were very nearly the same eyes she had in the clinic that first day; cold, vacant, lost. But there was something sitting behind them now and Clarke couldn’t quite put her finger on it. The longer she stared, the less resolve she had to cause Lexa more pain, so she began pushing.

 

Lexa didn’t jump or immediately start screaming like most patients do. Had it not been for the tears that openly cascaded down her cheeks, no one would be able to tell she was in any sort of pain. Lexa’s weakness was never physical pain. She was stronger than most grown men twice her size. Her weakness was always love. That’s what was in her eyes - the sorrow of love lost time and time again.

 

Anya and Raven’s palms were sweating watching this procedure but were more unnerved by Lexa’s reaction or lack thereof.

 

“OK. Let me wrap it and you can be on your way.” Clarke silently wrapped Lexa’s cast while three pairs of eyes danced around her.

 

“W-why does the cast have to go all the way up her forearm?” Anya questioned.

 

“This is her dominant hand and in order for her fingers to heal properly, she needs to be encouraged to use this arm as little as possible. If she can rotate her wrist, she will be more likely to clench her fingers…”

 

They were speaking to each other as if Lexa wasn’t in the room - because it felt like she wasn’t.

 

“That - that should do it. You can leave now,” Clarke had lost all bedside manner. She wasn’t trying to be insensitive but she was on the precipice of losing control and she wanted to be alone.

 

Lexa stood and went to thank Clarke but the blonde had walked to the otherside of the clinic and began busying herself with fake paperwork. Lexa would have followed after her but Anya’s hand on her shoulder and the shake of her head told her not to follow.

 

Octavia and Raven murmured a quiet goodbye to Lexa, not entirely sure how to navigate the feelings they had at what they’d just experienced. Anya walked Lexa back to her truck, intent on driving her home. The painful silence was finally broken about halfway to the cabin when Lexa finally opened her mouth, “I ruined it, didn’t I? It was me - not her.”

 

“Yeah,” Anya sighed. “It was you.”

 

That’s when Lexa was finally consumed by the pain.


	11. Two Corpses We Were

  
_ We lay here for years or for hours _

_ Thrown here or found _

_ To freeze or to thaw _

_ So long we become the flowers _

_ Two corpses we were _

_ Two corpses I saw _

 

**A Week Ago**

 

“This isn’t enough, Roan,” Clarke scoffed. 

 

“What do you mean it’s not enough?”

 

“This is just a handwritten note telling you to meet Ontari somewhere. It’s not proof she’s orchestrating anything.” Clarke sank into her seat, she was getting desperate. Clarke had suspected that, due to her association with the Woods, particularly Lexa, nobody from Queen Kru would ever open up to her. That is, until Roan approached her… 

 

“THAT is where they keep the merchandise when it’s brought in. Meaning - they’re expecting a new shipment in a couple of weeks.” He smiled smugly when Clarke’s eyes began to sparkle. 

 

This is it. This was the opportunity she was hoping for. Not only could she catch Ontari in the act but she would be able to tie Nia to the shipping container filled with drugs because the old bat owned it. 

 

Roan was a gruff looking guy but Clarke had come to both appreciate him and trust him. She was new in town when they first met and she hadn’t even begun her investigation when he came into the clinic. Clarke still remembers the ice that ran down her spine when he said, “You’re Captain Griffin, ex-Navy SEAL and now government agent, right?” 

 

Clarke did not respond but, instead, slammed him against the door, locking them in, and demanded he start talking. Sure, maybe it was a little rough but something about that cocky smirk on his face was unnerving. 

 

“My mother is who you’re looking for and YOU need my help.” When Clarke conceded and released him, he explained that his mother had connections in high places and knew exactly who Clarke was and why she was in Alaska. He also revealed that many of the people in town are living under the thumb of Nia’s organization and they are all terrified to speak out against her - so they do her bidding to avoid any conflict with her thugs. All of his intel meant a single thing, she was compromised before she even landed. She immediately knew she would have to play her cards exactly right and always be one step ahead of Nia Queen. 

 

“You’re their best hope,” a strangely honest and human moment from Roan revealed his true motivations to Clarke. Despite his gruff exterior and smarmy attitude, he genuinely cared about the people in this town. 

 

Since then, the duo had been working together in secret trying to accumulate enough evidence to put both Nia and Ontari in prison. Because of Roan’s pertinent information and continued help, Clarke was granted permission by her superior to offer exoneration from all drug trafficking charges if he aided in the investigation. 

 

“So what’s the plan?” he asked.

 

“I can get Coast Guard MP’s out to the container and have it under surveillance. When they start loading the drugs in, we’ll arrest those on the spot and I’ll provide them with the documentation on the container and we can pick up Nia, who will also be under surveillance.” 

 

The funny thing about plans is that they don’t often do much to prepare you for when things go completely awry...

 

**Present Time**

 

Clarke slid down the wall of the clinic and shrugged deeply. She teetered somewhere between wanting to puke her guts up and wanting to cry indefinitely. Lexa had been cold, she had even been cruel, but Clarke saw the fear and the pain in her eyes - the fear and pain SHE put there. 

 

Two hours had passed and she hadn’t moved from the floor until her pager went off. All it said was, “CODE BLUE. HELI 2. KANE.” _This doesn’t feel right..._ _from the first moment, she knew in her gut something wasn’t right._

 

Clarke leapt into action and drove to command as quickly as possible. When she arrived, she saw the faces of people whose pictures she’d been staring at incessantly for the last few months; Ontari, Emori, Murphy, and Roan. At first glance, she swore Ontari was staring smugly straight at her. 

 

“Commander,” she saluted, “I was paged?”

 

“Yes, thank you, Clarke. A boat called in a distress signal and said someone aboard has a punctured lung and possibly a fractured spine from a fall. I think this might be beyond the scope of a triage team so, with your military background, I expect you’ll be able to go yourself.” 

 

_ Fuck. Fuck. Fuck _ . 

 

“Yes, of course, sir.” Clarke steeled her nerves - those injuries were serious and no one seemed to be in as big of a rush as would be expected of a rescue team. 

 

Kane nodded and pointed at a set of gear prepared for her. She speedily put it on but managed to catch a peak at Roan’s face. He had been avoiding eye contact with her and now she knows why. He was terrified. 

 

“Alright team, let’s go!” Ontari ran out of the hangar and climbed onto the helicopter first. Clarke strapped in across from Roan. Murphy was on her right, triple checking the pulley gear and making sure they had all their supplies. Clarke turned her head back to Roan who answered her question with a head shake. This must be Murphy’s first run, he seems nervous. Clarke almost felt bad for him, arrogant son of a bitch probably had no idea what was about to happen to the rest of his life.  

 

_ Krrsh _ “QUEEN TEAM - WE ARE 25 MINUTES OUT.” 

 

Clarke had virtually no idea where she was going. That was one of the first clues that this was not an official mission. Typically they are debriefed on the size and type of the vessel, how many civilians, more details about the the situation, etc.  **Nothing** . Clarke was provided absolutely nothing. With every deep, calming she knew she was approaching her death. 

 

When she sealed her eyes shut, she only thought of Lexa.  _ Please, if there is one time I need them to ignore my wishes and snoop, it’s now. Find my book and follow the instructions. Please. It will make this all worth it.  _

 

**Meanwhile, on land…**

 

Octavia and Raven were just getting off shift when Octavia’s phone lit up with a text from Clarke, “Notebook.” Octavia showed the text to Raven and they were both perplexed.  _ Did she forget it? Did Clarke need them to bring it to her at home?  _ They agreed to start walking over to the clinic together and hopefully Clarke would text back with more of an explanation. 

 

Meanwhile, Raven decided to give a call to Anya to check on Lexa… 

 

“Yeah - she finally passed out from crying. She was - I’ve never seen her like this, Ray.” 

 

“I know, baby. I’m so sorry. I’m sure it is hard to watch her go through this but I am glad you are with her,” Raven added softly. “Why don’t you stay with her tonight and Octavia and I  can run the bar, yeah?”

 

“That’s sweet of y’all and yeah, I think that’s a good idea. I don’t want to leave her like this, especially while she’s asleep.”

 

Raven and Octavia had arrived at the clinic and found the notebook in her bag and her pager on the desk.  _ Why would she leave her pager? _ Octavia thought. 

 

While Raven chatted on the phone, Octavia couldn’t help her curiosity and thumbed through the first few pages. Her eyes went wild as she raked over words circled in red;  _ heroin, shipping container, Queen Kru. _ On the next page was a timeline starting decades ago and outlining different missions taken by Nia’s team in which there were” fewer surviving civilians” than initially called in… or no survivors at all... They happened routinely every few months. In large red letters she read,  _ ‘LIKELY WHEN COSTIA WAS RECRUITED.’ _

 

“What the fuck,” Octavia whispered under her breath. “Ray - RAY! LOOK AT THIS!”    
  


“I understand. I wouldn’t want you to. Lexa’ll need you when she wakes up. And don’t worry - O and I’ve got thi- wait… hold on baby...”

 

“Ray?” Anya could barely hear the discussion happening on the other side of the phone. “Ray, what’s going on?”    
  
That’s when she heard Raven start yelling, “CALL EVERYONE! GET THEM DOWN HERE NOW!”  

 

“RAY! RAY WHAT IS GOING ON!?” Anya yelled, waking Lexa from her sleep on the couch.

 

What spooked the girls so much was at the center of a page was a name written in red sharpie and circled: ‘KANE’. Octavia immediately reached for Clarke’s beeper and read ‘CODE BLUE. HELI 2. KANE.’

 

“BABE! - Clarke is in danger!!” The line went dead. 

 

Anya whipped around and yelled, “Lex! Hey! LEX! We have to go!” 

 

“Wha? Why?”

 

“Clarke’s in some kind of danger!!!” 

 

Lexa jumped off the couch within milliseconds. 

 

“Wh-what’s going on?” She begged as she put on her uniform. 

 

“I-I don’t know. Raven and Octavia got a text message from Clarke that just said, ‘notebook’. They didn’t understand it at first so they went to ask her about it at the clinic but she wasn’t in the clinic - but all her stuff was. Next thing I know Raven is yelling… sh-she’s never sounded like that before, Lex.” Anya spoke despite being so clearly shaken by the level of fear in Raven’s voice. 

 

When the sister’s got outside, Anya started to climb into her truck but Lexa cut her off, “No. Let’s take the Jeep. It’ll be faster.” 

 

\------- 

 

Everyone from WonKru and TriKru were already on base so they got to the clinic much faster than the Wood’s girls - despite how fast Lexa was driving. For the next hour, they poured over the notebook, only stopping to share looks of absolute shock between each other. 

 

First off, they learned that Clarke clearly wasn’t entirely honest about who she was and why she was here. Then they learned that Clarke and Roan had been working together to uncover Nia’s drug trafficking operation almost the entire time. 

 

Reluctantly, they all began to read the testimony Roan provided about how Costia came to be involved with QueenKru. How her joining the Kru caused tensions between herself and Ontari to be Nia’s right hand. This battle resulted in Ontari trying to get Lexa killed out of spite but it was Costia who ended up taking the bullet. 

 

They then read aloud about how this entire investigation began after the men on the boat, from when Costia was shot, were apprehended by the FBI. The notes said they were offered a plea if they told investigators about Nia Queen and what happened to Costia Woods. 

 

“But why Clarke?” Bellamy confusedly asked.

 

“Yeah, she was just a doctor, I thought,” Jasper stated.

 

“A) no one is JUST a doctor, B) you are forgetting that she’s ex-Navy SEAL, and then C) that thing about her being a Captain....” Luna looked all around the room and noticed everyone’s shocked expression. “Does no one else pay attention to rumors?!” she scoffed. 

 

“But that doesn’t explain how or why she’s here and has all this information…” Miller added. 

 

Lexa busted through the door looking crazed and panicked, “What the fuck is going on!? Where is she?!” The fact that no one else looked as terrified as she felt made her feel uneasy, “ANSWER ME!” 

 

Raven came closer with the notebook and the pager. She quickly explained the high points about Clarke’s investigation and how she came to be suspicious of Commander Kane’s involvement, “That’s why we haven’t moved forward with asking questions or going to look for her ourselves until you got here. She flipped through the pages of the notebook and inside was an envelope addressed to Lexa. 

 

The brunette snatched it and tore it open,

 

_ Dear Lexa, _

 

_ My suspicions were confirmed just now that Kane is involved with Nia.  _

 

_ DO NOT GO TO LOCAL AUTHORITIES.  _

_ DO NOT CONFRONT KANE.  _

_ DO NOT COME AFTER ME.  _

_ DO NOT TRUST ANYONE.  _

 

_ You will be putting your life and the lives of our friends in danger. Please - keep them safe.  _

 

_ Call Special Agent Wells Jaha at 907-276-4441. _

 

_ Tell him I told you to call and that Kane knows.  _

 

_ Wells will know what to do - wait for him, please!  _

 

_ Clarke _

 

Before Lexa finished the letter she had her phone out and was calling the number.    
  
“Hi. Yes, hello. My name is Lieutenant Commander Lexa Woods, I’m a - friend - of Special Agent Clarke Griffin’s. She’s in danger. She told me to call this line.” 

 

The young man’s voice on the other end erupted, “I can be there with a team in two hours. What happened?” Lexa could hear him running. 

 

“I’m - I’m not sure. She left a note. Kane knows - he paged her for an unauthorized mission with QueenKru and we haven’t heard from her or the team.” Panic was threatening to burst through her throat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm SO sorry to each of you and to myself, from the bottom of my heart, that it took this long for me to sit down and write. I have nothing but excuses and hopeful promises that another chapter or two will be posted in the next few days to finish off this story.


	12. I'd Be Home With You

_ We lay here for years or for hours _

_ Thrown here or found _

_ To freeze or to thaw _

_ So long we become the flowers _

_ Two corpses we were _

_ Two corpses I saw _   
  


_ “Ms. Woods - do not talk to anyone. Go home. Lay low. You know NOTHING. Talk to NO ONE. If Kane suspects anyone then so will Nia, putting everyone, especially Clarke, in danger. Do you understand me!? GO HOME!” Agent Well’s voice was firm and final.  _ __  
_  
_ __ Lieutenant Commander Woods does not take orders from just anyone but this was entirely different. In that moment, she did not feel like the Commander. She felt small and insignificant and completely helpless. She relayed the agent’s message to lay low to the group but there were immediate protests like, “We can’t just leave her!” and “There’s got to be something we can do!”

 

_ One word from Lexa would have silenced them all but the brunette didn’t have it in her. Her head was flooding with the same desperate thoughts as everyone else - but she refused to drown in the hopelessness. _

 

_ “I won’t just sit here and let her die...” Lexa’s legs hesitated for only a moment before she was up and out the door running towards the hangar. It was only a split second before the thrumming footsteps of her TriKru and WonKru friends were on her tail. _

 

_ Lexa kicked in the door to the command center, “GET ON YOUR KNEES!” she demanded of Commander Kane, startling every crew member in the room. Their eyes shifted between the two high ranking officers, completely unaware to what was going on and what would happen in the next few minutes. _ __  
_  
_ __ “What is the meaning of this, Lieutenant?!” Kane’s eyebrows furrowed with something that wasn’t quite anger.... Just as Nia had warned him, anything Clarke knew she likely communicated to Lexa and she wouldn’t hesitate to make her move. Unfortunately for Kane, he didn’t expect to be outnumbered or confronted while every member of QueenKru was still out on the flight. 

 

_ ‘This was a set up - that fucking bitch!’ Kane finally realized to himself. He unknowingly played his role perfectly for Nia - distract Clarke with his involvement in the scheme long enough for Nia to tie up loose ends and escape. Now, if he maintained his innocence, he would have no one to defend him against a mountain of evidence and, if he told the authorities everything about Nia, she would be long gone and it wouldn’t matter. He was always going to go down for this, he just didn’t know until this exact moment.  _

 

_ Kane was trapped and he knew it - there was no way of getting out of this… unless.... _

 

_ Before Lexa could react, Kane’s pistol was drawn and pointed directly at her chest.  _

 

_ “What are you doing, Kane? This isn’t how it has to end.” Adrenaline began coursing through Lexa’s veins causing the muscles in her legs to seize and release.  _

 

_ Beads of sweat began to form on the old man’s brow, “She’s framing me! I had nothing to do with this - I wanted out! YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE ME!” His knuckles tightened around the pistol and he began to weep like a child - the sight of her commander being revealed to be a pathetic coward twisted Lexa’s gut. _

 

_ “Of course I believe you....” she lied. “We know it’s been Nia all along. Now I need you to help me and call them back to base. They’re going to hurt her, Kane… please.”  _

 

_ “...It’s… It’s too late. They’re already through with her.”  _

__  
_ Lexa’s jaw clenched and her eyes began to darken, “What do you mean they’re...through...with her?” Lexa’s dominance sent a shiver down Kane’s spine. _ __  
_  
_ __ “Nia wants vengeance… against Clarke and Roan… she won’t stop until she has it.” Fear. That’s what was laced in all of Kane’s words and shining behind his eyes - he was controlled by it and likely had been for a very long time. “The dead are gone, Lexa… and the living are hungry.” 

 

_ *BANG!* _

  
  


_ *BANG!* _

  
  


_\- - - - -_ **10 Months Since Clarke’s Disappearance**

 

Coffee and ocean water - a combined scent that no longer brought Lexa the comfort it once did. Now it sends her reeling back to that night... Her own choked sob ripped her from this memory just before she chucked her coffee mug into the bay. Only a few seconds passed before the noise of porcelain shattering against a jagged rock echoed through the foggy air. “Fuck,” she grinded her palms into her eye sockets, hoping to stave off the all-too-common tears. 

 

The loss of Clarke hit everyone hard, in different ways and at different times. 

 

For Lincoln, it was when he turned on the news one morning and saw Clarke’s picture, “ _ Federal Agent Griffin pronounced dead after a month long search by federal investigators. Her investigations into a local Alaskan drug ring led to the arrests of eighteen local and national officials, each involved in a much larger Russian operation.” _ __  
  
For Raven and Octavia, the loss was immediate. Clarke was their best friend, she was someone they had grown dependent upon, someone they had grown accustomed to thinking would be there for the rest of their lives. “She was going to see my vagina and deliver my babies,” Octavia simultaneously laughed and cried into the microphone during the vigil they held at the bar once the search was ended. Raven wasn’t able to speak - she really wanted to - she had so many good stories…   
  
Even Abby flew in for the service. She knew her daughter struggled after Jake passed and that her mental state had worsened after the Navy. But Abby began to see a change in her daughter, a lightness that started to shine after she moved to Alaska. The loss of her daughter was gut-wrenching for her but, even for a brief moment, being surrounded by people who loved her daughter was a gift.   
  
The overwhelming theme at the vigil was how Clarke managed to make everyone in the town feel like they had a special place of their own in her heart - like they all meant something special. She had a way of making people feel important. 

 

Lexa didn’t go. 

 

Her sorrow did not harden into anger like it had in the past - she knew if she went to that dark place again, she wouldn’t survive. Instead, within a few weeks, Lexa appeared to be completely normal, as if not a single thing was wrong. She shut everyone out emotionally - well, except for her weekly phone calls with Abby… 

 

Lexa’s absence from the vigil had been noticed by all, but Abby made a point to meet this ‘ _ Lex _ a’ her daughter had talked so much about. When they first met, they didn’t spend much time getting to know each other but simply cried into each other’s arms and did one or two... maybe twelve shots of tequila on the kitchen floor of Lexa’s cabin - an unconventional bonding experience but one that cemented a strong friendship between the two for years to come.     
  


“Honey, you need to take better care of yourself. She would want you to be OK. Maybe go to those grief meetings in Anchorage I told you about....” Abby’s soft and persistently encouraging words were vital to Lexa’s mental health, even if they were hundreds of miles apart. Alternatively, Lexa’s stoicism and resilience was essential in reminding Abby that life after loss is difficult but not impossible if you accept help and let yourself be vulnerable.

 

“I - I just……. “ Lexa grit her teeth. 

 

“I don’t expect it will ever get easier - she was… one of a kind… just like her dad,” Abby sighed deeply. “We aren’t victims though… I lost my husband and now my daughter… and you lost your wife and now - but we are going to be fine. Everything happens for a reason.”

 

Lexa rolled her eyes and took another swig of the bottle in her hand, “... I hate when people say that.”

 

Abby managed a brief smile that Lexa could almost hear through the phone, “I hate myself for saying it.” 

 

A few silent and contemplative moments passed between them. “But… do you…. Do you really believe everything happens for a reason?” Lexa asked quietly.

 

The older woman took a slow, deep breath, “No. I think bad shit happens all the time and there’s nothing we can do to help it hurt less except to just keep living our lives.” 

 

“That is the worst thing you could have said…”

 

“But it’s the truth,” Abby shrugged. “The important thing to remember about death is that it happens to everyone - it hurts like hell for the living but it is survivable.”

 

_ Maybe life should be about more than just surviving.  _ Lexa’s own words rang inside her head like an alarm - an alarm she wanted to throw at the wall or smash with a hammer. “I don’t know how much more surviving I’ve got left in me…” 

 

“Hmmm… I know exactly how you feel, kiddo… Hey - how’s the shoulder coming along?” 

 

“It’s fine - physical therapy serves almost NO purpose at this point and they still won’t let me get back in the water.”

 

“Is that because of your shoulder or because the Commander doesn’t typically go on rescues?” Lexa could plainly hear the undertones of a motherly warnings to be safe and to stay on land. 

 

Lexa allowed a rare smile, “Both probably…” 

 

“You are their leader now - you have to take care of yourself. If one of your Kru was shot, you wouldn’t let them get back in the water until you knew they were safe and their health could be depended upon - what makes you any different?” 

 

“Yeah, yeah, yeah... I see now where Clarke gets her stubbornness from……”  _ Shit. _ Even after 10 months Lexa catches herself talking about Clarke like she’s still alive. It wouldn’t be such a bad thing if the horrible feeling of dread and despair didn’t overwhelm her right after.

 

The two women were quiet over the phone for a few moments, unable to think of something distracting to say. That is, until Abby’s hospital pager broke the tense silence.

 

Lexa cleared her throat of the emotion threatening to spill out, “Duty calls?”

 

“Ye _ p _ \- some days it feels like the only thing that keeps me tickin’..”

 

“...I appreciate you checking in, Abby - really.”

 

“You’re welcome. And Lex, don’t be so hard on yourself. It’s OK to talk about her like she’s not gon-…” 

 

_ *click* _ __  
  


\- - - - -  **_On the Helicopter_ **   
  
_ Though Roan himself may not have known, Clarke suspected he was secretly bugged all along. The damn fool’s heart was always in the right place but a government agent he was not.  _

 

_ Good intentions a spy does not make.  _

 

_ ‘Hah! That’s what should be inscribed on his tombstone… Jesus. That’s morbid. OK Clarke - you are not dying today.’ _

 

_ Luckily, Clarke was very good at her job. She anticipated an interception and always had a back up plan. However, that backup plan only accounted for getting the information against Nia to the right people, not saving her own life from being stranded in the freezing Pacific ocean.  _

 

_ The repetitious thrum of the helicopter made it impossible to tell if they’d been flying for twenty minutes of two hours. Ontari reached for a switch in the cockpit and her voice was suddenly heard through the speaker in their helmets: “Approaching the stalled boat in 5. The doctor and I will go down and investigate the wounded crew and then send everyone up.” _

 

_ Luckily for Clarke, they must’ve forgotten that she’s been on these kinds of missions before in her time with the Navy and you NEVER turn off the mic signals. They are either trying to prevent communication with each other or communication with base… or both.  _

 

_ This meant nothing was being recorded and Clarke would no longer be able to communicate to the rest of the crew. It all began to make sense - ‘If my mic is dead, others on the helicopter won’t hear Ontari try to kill me and leave me behind. Meaning, not everyone here is involved… likely John Murphy and Emori… If killing me is made to look enough like an accident, they won’t be arrested for killing a federal agent - and they think killing me kills my investigation…. Cool - now I just need to figure out how to survive…’  _

 

_ Her eyes darted to Roan’s face - he was likely sweating bullets but it was impossible to tell through his thick, orange scuba suit. The blonde tapped her foot a few times until Roan noticed the movement out the corner of his eye and looked up at her. She nodded - ‘everything is going to be OK’.  _

 

_ His face revealed that he did not believe her. Not only were there people on the helicopter that wanted them dead but beneath them was an endless black ocean with massive waves that didn’t discriminate against the lives it claimed. _ __  
_  
_ __ Ontari crawled out of her seat and moved to open the side of the helicopter while Roan took his place by the hydraulic cable. Beside them, and about fifty feet below, was a relatively small fishing vessel with several burly looking men standing on the deck. 

 

_ “OK! CLARKE - YOU ARE UP!” Ontari turned to call out and when she did, Clarke saw the shiny glint of a pistol in her hand.  _

 

_ Fuck fuck fuck - the blonde closed her eyes tightly and her thoughts drifted to Lexa, ‘May we meet again.’ Clarke mustered every bit of her strength into a right hook, shattering the girls’ nose. It gave her just enough time to grip Roan’s untethered harness and drag him out the cargo door …..  _

 

_ *splash* _

 

_ “FUCK!” Ontari screamed. Emori and John were in the cockpit and were completely taken back by what they saw unfold. Ontari didn’t hesitate for a second to point her pistol and aimlessly shoot at the water below, causing the Russian thugs on the boat to start doing the same. Luckily, Clarke and Roan popped up ten or twenty feet behind the boat and were under the cover of darkness.  _

 

_ Their freezing muscles strained to stay warm as they managed to reach the stern and quickly climb aboard. With everyone distracted, they were able to hide in a small compartment just off the galley.  _

 

_ “W-what the f-fuck were you t-t-thinking?” Roan shuddered.  _

 

_ “I saved your ass. You’re welcome by the way.” She reached up and began ringing the cold sea water out of her hair.  _

 

_ “You couldn’t have s-saved us in a dryer, w-warmer way?” Roan managed to tease despite him feeling his heart struggling to warm his body. _

 

_ “I’ll t-try better next t-ime, you a-asss!”  _

 

_ After 10 minutes, they finally heard the helicopter leave. “Shit. What’s the plan, Doc?” Roan whispered.  _

 

_ “We have two options… the first option is we go with them back to Russia,” Roan couldn’t tell if she was being serious or not. “Or, we take the boat - one thug at a time.”  _

 

_ “That’s it? Those are your only two ideas?!”  _

 

_ “Do you have a better idea?!” They heard a pair of footsteps suddenly entering the kitchen, “What’ll it be, cowboy?”  _

 

_ Roan’s jaw tensed because he knew they really didn’t have much of a choice and the smile on Clarke’s face made him realize that she’d already made the decision - “...shit.” _

 

_ The galley door slowly creaked open and Clarke crawled out like a panther stalking her prey. Before Roan could even get on his feet, Clarke had 3 strands from a dirty mop twisted around the thugs neck. Roan quickly looked back into the closet and realized that Clarke had been scheming the entire time while he was struggling to catch his breath.  _

 

_ The burly man that was twice Clarke’s size hit the floor. _

__  
_  
_ __ “You’re scary as fuck!” Roan whispered with a mixture of awe and fear. 

 

_ She wiggled her eyebrows, “On to the next…” _

 

_ Roan shook his head before following her up the galley stairs, “...and demented…”  _

  
  


\- - - - - - **1 Year After Clarke’s Disappearance**

 

Lincoln climbed onto Anya’s bar and his voice carried over the large crowd, “Here’s to our fearless leader - she has been a beacon of service before self. She has faced the greatest storms life can send your way and SURVIVED. We would be nothing without her leadership and her friendship. Congratulations on the well deserved promotion, Captain Woods! Semper Paratus!” 

 

“So that others may live!” the crowd yelled in unison.

 

He jumped down from the bar and enveloped the newly promoted Captain into his large arms, “So proud of you!”

 

Lexa smiled and accepted the hug, “Thank you. Truly. You didn’t have to throw a party, though.” 

 

“Uh - yes, we did!” Raven noted with what almost seemed like disgust at the notion of not having a party. “It’s not everyday our friend gets called to Washington and offered a promotion to lead multiple Coast Guard bases in Alaska!” 

 

“She’s right, Lex. Plus, if you didn’t want a party, you wouldn’t have told anyone,” Anya noted teasingly.

 

“Excuse you - I HAD to tell you because you would have eventually found out that I’m now everyone’s boss’ boss,” Lexa rolled her eyes as she took a swig from her beer.

 

Lexa had taken Abby’s advice. She spent the last few months working to do things to make herself happy - to help herself move on - to make it a little easier to survive. At first, she started going out more and spent more time with her friends and family. She even took a couple of days to visit their parents in Anchorage. 

 

Then, when Admiral Schultz was notified by the head of the United States Department of Justice regarding what had actually happened on a small Coast Guard base in the Aleutian Islands, he recommended Lexa Woods for a significant promotion for her heroism and acts of bravery in the line of duty. The Admiral praised Lexa for having immediately and seamlessly assuming control of the base after former Commander Kane turned the gun on her and then himself and for how she played an essential role in providing the necessary information to the DHS and FBI after Clarke’s disappearance.

 

However, there were still times she struggled - greatly. It took her several weeks to decide whether to attend the ceremony in which Special Agent Clarke Griffin was posthumously awarded the Medal of Valor and Memorial Star as well as the Presidential Medal of Freedom. Ultimately, she decided to go, and went arm-in-arm with Abby. 

 

“Hey - you ok?” Raven gently nudged Lexa back to reality. 

 

Lexa had been aimlessly staring at the torn label on her beer bottle, “Oh - yeah, yeah. Sorry. My eyes must’ve just got stuck, I guess.”

 

“I… I think about her every day, too.” She sat down on the empty stool next to Lexa and rubbed her swollen belly. “She’s missed so much… sometimes I get trapped in just how much more she’s going to…”

 

Lexa cut her off, “I was offered a position in Washington. I’m thinking about taking it… I-I’m not thinking… actually. I leave tomorrow.”

 

“You WHAT?!” Raven demanded, causing various pairs of eyes to look over.

 

“Lexa is going to Washington - tomorrow?” someone repeated.   
“What?”

“When did you decide this?!”

“Are you serious right now?”  

  
  
There were so many voices at once, it was hard for Lexa to decipher who was asking what.

 

“YOU. OVER THERE. NOW.” That voice was definitely her older sister’s voice directing her to the back of the bar. “What the… why the… why haven’t you...?”

 

The words came spilling out, “One of the hardest things about living without her is how everyone constantly wants to bring up to me how she’s not here or how she’s missing out or what she’s missing out on - like I don’t already fucking know!!!”  Lexa can no longer hold back the tears, “No matter how close I am to crawling out of this fucking hole or how much I’ve moved on… I will never not be associated with her… I’m drowning being here…”

 

Anya couldn’t muster a response. She knew it was true and she felt so guilty for wanting her sister to stay. Instead, she just pulled her into a tight hug, “I’ll miss you.” 

 

Slowly, Lexa’s arms curled just as tightly around her sister. 

 

_ \- - - - -  _ __  
  


_ “No matter how close I am to crawling out of this fucking hole or how much I’ve moved on… I’m drowning here,” _ the words ricocheted inside Clarke’s head. 

 

The moment Clarke was released from governmental protective custody, she was on a plane headed for Alaska. In fact, she’s even still wearing the day before yesterday’s clothes… and you could tell that just from looking at her. 

 

For Clarke, the thought of getting back to Lexa propelled her survival everyday for the last year. It became like an obsession and it created this crazed and illusionistic idea of her return… slow motion eye contact and running straight into Lexa’s arms and fireworks going off in the distance. 

 

This was not that. 

 

This reality was a fist to the face. 

 

While she was bleeding out, freezing, and eating bugs to survive, just to get back to Lexa, Lexa thought she was dead for a year and needs to be able to let her go. 

 

A entire years worth of hope and prayers, blood, sweat, and tears shed for this moment - and this is how it’s going down?  _ Are you fucking serious?! _ Clarke snaked her fingers into her short, shaggy blonde hair, slid down the outside wall and cried. 

 

She allowed herself ten minutes to wallow in her self pity. An old trick the Commander taught her…  _ ‘well… Captain now _ ,’ she guessed. 

 

“ _ Sometimes you have to concede a battle to win a war. You allow yourself ten minutes to feel the pain of loss and then you pick yourself back up and move on,”  _ she’s repeated Lexa’s words in her head every day for the last year despite having mocked Lexa for likening having emotions to losing a battle. Someday's it felt like Lexa’s words were the only thing that kept Clarke alive. 

 

 

“No - I didn’t come this fucking far to quit,” she climbed to her feet and pushed her way into the overflowing bar. There were so many faces, most of them she didn’t recognize immediately. She was almost overwhelmed by the sea of people until she saw each of her friends, sitting at the bar on their usual stools. 

 

“Hey Clarke,” a tall and very pregnant Latina walked right past her carrying a couple plates of Anya’s famous chili. 

 

*CRASH*

 

The dishes in Raven’s arms were now scattered across the kitchen floor.

  
  
“Is it… is it really… h-how are you… are you real!?” Raven’s fingers were shaking as she reached for Clarke’s face. The blonde reached for her friends hands and pressed them to her cheeks, ensuring that she was, in fact, very real and very much alive. 

  
  
“I’ve missed you so much, Ray!”

 

Clarke thought more dishes must’ve been dropped because she felt water splash on her shoes… the doctor pulled back from the embrace with Raven to see a look of horror and awe, “I think my water just broke…” 

 

A genuine smile reached across Clarke’s face for the first time in a very long time, “You’re going to have a baby! Ray! Congratulations!”

 

“Yeah - and you’re going to deliver it so let’s go!” she grabbed Clarke by the wrist and started dragging her to the front of the bar.

 

“OH MY GOD! Clarke?!” Octavia shrieked. 

 

“Hi babe! Um so Clarke’s alive and my water just broke. Can you find Anya and send everyone home and then meet us at the clinic? K thanks!” Raven continued to waddle strangely through the entire bar. “Move it! Woman in labor here!” she hollered at the crowd. 

 

“Um - hey, Anya, so like, um… Raven’s in labor and Clarke’s alive - yeah - and like, your wife’s in labor - oh, I mentioned that already,” Octavia said distantly like she’d just seen a ghost… which, she kind of had. 

 

“What!? OH my God! I have to go!” Anya’s eyes started darting across the bar trying to find her wife. “Wait - Clarke’s alive?!”

 

“YOUR WIFE IS IN LABOR WOMAN!”   
  


“Right right right. I need to -”

 

“No, you go! They’re headed to the clinic on base. I’ll take care of everyone here and then we’ll meet you there!”

  
\----

 

Anya ran straight to the clinic and busted through the door, panting, “I’m here! I made it!”

 

Raven was comfortably sitting in one of the private rooms, already changed into a gown, and soft pillows surrounding her like a throne, “Did - babe, did you run here?”

 

“*pant* YES! *pant* WHY? *pant*”

 

“You could’ve just driven here like we did…” Clarke teasingly noted from around the corner. 

 

“Oh my God… Octavia wasn’t lying… you really are here… how did you? Lex is gonna-”

 

“I think it’s best we focus on your laboring wife for now - I don’t think she’d like me stealing her spotlight,” Clarke smiled and winked. She placed her palm on Anya’s shoulder and squeezed, “It’s really good to see you, though.”

 

\----- 

 

“ALRIGHT EVERYBODY! BARS CLOSING! WE ARE CLOSING TABS IMMEDIATELY CAUSE WE ARE HAVING A BABY! MOVE IT ALONG AND FINISH UP YOUR BEERS!” Octavia jumped down from the bar, “LINC! I need to speak to you !”

 

“What’s up? Is it about the baby? I’m so excited for them to -”

 

“You’re awfully sweet babe but - Clarke’s alive. She’s here.”

 

“WHAT?!”

 

“Yeah, I know. We need to find Lex. She’s not picking up for me or Bell. Can you see if you can find her?”

 

“I’ll find her!” He leaned in and pressed a kiss to his fiancee’s cheek and took off in his truck towards the cabin.

 

However, Lexa was not headed toward her cabin. She was upstairs in Clarke’s old apartment… sitting on Clarke’s old couch… And 15 minutes prior, she was in the stairwell when Clarke walked right past her and then - literally - scared the baby out of Raven… 

 

_ Clarke’s alive…  _

 

_ Clarke’s here…  _

 

Lexa’s chest was so tight she felt like she couldn’t breathe. She crawled onto her hands and knees and took several deep, slow breaths.  _ No, no, no.  _ She couldn’t make a coherent thought, her eyes felt swollen like she had already been crying for weeks but there were no tears. She felt like she was going to burst with relief but the tinge of furry tickled the hair on the back of her neck.  _ Where has she been all this time? What did she look like? Why didn’t she contact me immediately? I wonder if her hair smells the same… Not even a letter or note… Her voice sounds different, are they sure it’s her? _

 

Lexa felt her phone vibrating again in her pocket. She tried to reach for it this time, “H-hello?”

 

“Lex? Are you OK?” Lincoln called out over the loudness of his truck. “Where are you? Everyone’s looking for you?”

 

Lexa’s gaze blurred and she felt herself close to passing out, “I-I-I left.”

 

“Yeah, I know!” he chuckled. “Your sister-in-law has gone into labor. They’re having a baby!! You’re gonna be an aunt! ……. Lex?”

 

“I know she’s here.”

 

Lincoln was quiet for a moment, “Yeah…”

 

“I-I don’t think I can… I don’t know if I can…”

 

“Where are you? I’ll just come and sit with you like we used to.” Lincoln was the greatest little brother anyone could have hoped to have. He was sensitive and protective and he always seemed to know exactly what kind of support and comfort you needed before you knew it yourself. “Lex…”

 

“I’m… I’m in her apartment…” She said it with a hint of embarrassment. She used to come here a lot right after Clarke disappeared. At first it was because she had hoped to find some sort of clue or some information Clarke left behind for her. It wasn’t long before Lincoln started carrying a drunk and distraught Lexa downstairs after finding her laying on the floor of the blonde’s closet. 

 

“Don’t move. I’ll be right there.”

 

\-----

 

“She’s almost ready to push…” the doctor noted absently as she looked at what could be described as ‘squiggles on a piece of paper’ - she was clearly avoiding inquiring minds. 

  
“Stop looking at that and come answer my question. Why did you come back NOW if you’ve been alive this whole time?” streams of sweat were rolling down the brunette’s face but nothing could distract her from the task at hand, which strangely, wasn’t having a baby. 

 

Clarke shrugged. She knew there was no way to delay the inevitable, “The government released me.”

 

“What government?! OUR government?!” Anya pressed. 

 

“Yes. I was under mandated surveillance after getting back to the states until they-”

 

“RAAAAAaaaaah! Contraction - KEEP TALKINGGGGGGGG!”

 

“I’d really much rather do this after you have the baby, Ray!”

 

“NO! NOW!” 

 

\----- 

 

After several minutes of arguing, Raven no longer had the choice of delaying the birth of her and Anya’s baby boy - Aden. 

 

“We can talk after you rest,” Clarke offered a distant smile to her old friend whose eyes were already drooping. Within a few seconds, soft snores could be heard from the Latina - and then not so soft snores.

 

“How did you survive falling out of the helicopter?” Anya questioned incredulously - she was very suspicious of Clarke’s sudden return and clearly read the “official” report. The doctor understood Anya, it’s in her nature to be protective of everyone - the doctor knew that from the very first day she arrived. 

 

“We didn’t  _ fall _ , we jumped… well, I jumped, Roan did kind of fall…” she chuckled remembering the look on his face. “Ontari had a gun so when I got up close to her, I shattered her nose with my fist and then pulled Roan out of the helicopter with me. We were lucky - that height was meant to kill us. We were able to climb aboard and hide in the galley. Unfortunately, after we took control of the boat, we ran out of gas and were stranded…”

 

Anya cocked her eyebrow and folded her arms, “What do you mean you  _ took control _ of the boat?”

 

Clarke hesitated.

 

“Did - did you kill people?” Anya questioned with unmasked surprise - obviously she knew Clarke was deployed in Syria for a time and worked for the FBI, but she, like the rest of Clarke’s friends in Alaska, never considered that maybe Clarke had killed people before...

 

Clarke could see realization dawning on Anya’s face, “Yes, I did - I… I have before.”

 

The room was silent save for the beeping of the machines attached to Raven’s body and her constant snoring. 

 

“How many?” Anya demanded.

 

“I don’t keep track…”

 

“Bullshit.”

 

Clarke couldn’t bear to meet Anya’s eyes. The emotional toll of what she’s been through, what she’s likely seen, was palpable, “...after the boat…42.”  

 

The room was silent again while the older woman processed and weighed the information. “Then what happened…” Anya was a little bit softer now - almost empathetic towards Clarke. 

 

“There was no navigation system on the boat… no compass... no flares…no radio… nothing. We had no idea where we were, where we were going, and we didn’t have enough gas to guess. We didn’t know the boat had a GPS tracker… The Russian’s could see exactly where we were and what we were doing - they were on us within a few days. Held us for ransom…” Clarke paused to clear her throat and quickly wiped the tears away, “then they tortured us…”

 

The words slipped from Anya’s mouth before she could close it, “Oh my God…” 

 

“After 37 days, I was found face down on some beach by honeymooners - I don’t even remember. I was in a hospital for a few weeks, malnourished, and then immediately placed in protective custody until Nia was caught and extradited to the U.S.” it was obvious Clarke was getting angry. “I was told I couldn’t contact anyone until after Nia was in prison. The end,” Anya noticed Clarke’s jaw twitch.

 

“Just you?” Anya pressed.

 

The blonde’s piercing blue eyes were like daggers, warning Anya not to press further.

 

Anya took the challenge, “Where’s Roan?”

 

Clarke shrugged, she was simply too exhausted to fight with Anya. “Dead,” she knew she would eventually have to tell all of them what happened... eventually... but right now, living with what happened to her, and to him, simply having the memories were torture enough... and having to repeatedly recite them just ripped open the stitches. 

 

Anya stood suddenly and moved to stand over Clarke, “She was inconsolable when you were…when we thought you were - gone… I know it’s not your fault and I know you’ve - you’ve been through a lot - and I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry, Clarke.” 

 

The blonde was only a few inches off her seat before Anya pulled her into a tight hug, “We missed you so much.”

 

The dam burst and Clarke went limp in her friend’s arms, “I was so scared I wasn’t going to make it back…” 

 

After ten or fifteen minutes of tears and threats to never tell anyone she cried, Anya scooped up her new baby boy and walked him out to where the rest of their friends were waiting. 

 

_ “I want you all to meet Aden Woods…” _

 

Clarke watched all of her friends  _ ooh  _ and  _ aah  _ over the new baby through a small crack in the door. She nearly jumped out of her skin when Raven’s voice broke the silence, “I’m so grateful to you, Clarke…”

 

The blonde turned around and looked at the Latina sitting up in the hospital bed and laughed, “For what?”

 

Raven looked at her thoughtfully, and with a little bit of pity that she poorly masked, resulting in Clarke's stomach churning. “For coming back just to deliver my baby,” she joked. Thank God she's got jokes.

 

Clarke barked out a laugh, “You’re SO welcome, Raven. I would’ve come back sooner if you’d gotten pregnant earlier!” 

 

Raven offered a thoughtful smile, “I know you would have… and… I’m sorry for falling asleep and leaving you alone with Scary Anya - she means well, I promise.”

 

Clarke laughed again with ease for the first time in a very, very long time. The  lightness and easiness of being around her  _ family  _ again was starting to sink into her bones - at least for a moment.

 

“She’s leaving, ya know,” Clarke mentioned sadly. “I overheard earlier. She’s taking a job in D.C.” The look on Clarke’s face was one of hopeful defeat. No matter what, Clarke wanted Lexa to be happy and to be safe… even if that meant not being where painful memories were, even if it meant not being where she was… and then that’s just how their story would end - after everything.

 

“You’re being stupid right now, I can tell by the look on your face,” Raven said flatly. 

 

“What?” she answered with a little too much bite and harshness. 

 

“You survived death, Clarke. You fucking died and came back and you’re going to let the love of your life - who is standing on the other side of that door - just leave?! Are you serious!?” the fingertip pulse monitor attached to Raven started making rampant beeping noises. 

 

“WHAT IS IT!? WHAT’S WRONG!? CLARKE, WHAT IS HAPPENING!?” Anya came bursting through the door first. 

  
“Nothing. Your wife is just yelling at me and calling me stupid and she's causing her own blood pressure to spike,” Clarke rolled her eyes. “Otherwise, she’s fine.

 

“Why are you being stupid!?”

 

“What the fuck! I’M NOT!” 

 

“She is! She’s going to let Lexa go to Washington and she’s not even going to try to stop her!” Raven said obstinately. 

 

“Why would you do that, Clarke?!” Octavia joined in.

 

“I didn’t - I didn’t even say that!” Clarke threw her hands up. 

 

“You said it with your face, Clarke, and you know it!” Raven was now sitting up in her bed with her arms crossed.

 

“MY FACE?! Are you serious right now??? What the fuck is happening?” Clarke threaded her fingers into her hair. She wished she could say this was bizarre but this is how they argued about what movies to watch, what songs to sing at karaoke night - this was home.

 

“WHY IS EVERYONE YELLING!? I WANT TO YELL TOO!” Lincoln added. 

 

“Wait…” everyone paused before Clarke continued, “Who has the baby!?”

 

“Oh - Miller and Jackson have him,” Anya pointed out the door and when everyone’s eyes followed her pointed finger they finally noticed Lexa standing in the doorway with a smirk and a glint in her eye. 

 

“Don’t I get a say in whether or not I’m leaving?” there were hopeful tears resting at the bottom of each of her eyes - waiting to be shed. 

 

Clarke gasped when she heard that voice. The muscles in her legs wanted to give way beneath her but she willed them to carry her the last few steps into Lexa’s waiting arms.

 

“I thought of you every single day. I fought - I fought so fucking hard to get back to you,” Lexa could see that Clarke’s eyes were red rimmed and tired. 

 

Lexa’s gaze darted all across Clarke’s face, still unsure that she was actually here, standing in front of her, “I lo- I love you, Clarke. With all my heart.” 

 

Clarke smiled, causing her shed tears to roll over her blushing cheeks. She leaned forward and pressed her forehead to Lexa’s. Her long, thin fingers caressed the side of the brunette’s face and then she leaned forward, pressing her soft pink lips to the Captain’s. 

 

It was soft and warm, just like a memory. 

 

Just like a moment shared a million times before and a million times after. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this journey - this last chapter took me longer to write than I expected and it ended up being over 20 pages. I usually have smut in my story but it just didn't make sense to add it in this one - maybe I'll write an epilogue one day (maybe).
> 
> If you have any suggestions for stories you'd like to see, let me know. I have several prompts I'm considering working on (multi-chaps and one shots) - if you'd like to know what they are and offer some feedback/vote on what you'd like to see next, send me a message or leave a comment! 
> 
> THANK YOU!!!


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